Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
Samantha from Sheffield asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently underwent hypnotherapy with regards to a very severe smoking habit that I contracted during my early teens. I am very disappointed with the results. I am now smoking twenty cigarettes a day instead of forty! Can I make a claim?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Samantha, making a claim in this instance would almost undoubtedly end in disappointment. The idea of hypnotherapy is to reduce the number of cigarettes that you smoke in a day and not, as you mistakenly assume, to increase said number. The only claim open to you in this instance is one of being a complete dumb ass.
Ian from Ipswich asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I learned in biology today that the human tongue is the fastest healing organ in the body. With this in mind, I was wondering why the rest of our bits are not made in this way?
Dear Unkle Munky says - Dear Ian, the aesthetic appearance of any future mate is vital for the continuation of the human race. Sleeping with a girl made of tongue would be far too revolting... Then again...
Neale from Reditch asks - Dear Unkle Munky, trying to explain the rules of cricket to my shop-soiled girlfriend is proving almost impossible! She just doesn't seem to absorb my fascinating instructions. What's wrong with her?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Neale, women's thoughts are turned to shoes approx. once in every ten seconds. With this in mind you will need to punctuate your instructions at least six times per minute with talk of glamorous footwear. Good luck!
Sue from Hull asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I often have this dream in which I am making mad passionate love to my handsome next door neighbour. What could it all mean munky man?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Sue, dreams often require hours, if not days, of painstaking in-depth analysis before revealing their hidden meanings. In this case, however, I think we can safely assume that you simply want to shag your next door neighbour senseless.
Lynne from Jersey asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently completed a two week drama course at my local college here in Jersey. I enjoyed it very much but am a little worried by my tutors final remarks. How can she possibly know that I would make a great Thespian? I am only eighteen and have yet to discover my true sexual identity. I feel that she has abused the student/teacher relationship and was wondering if I should make a claim?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Lynne, I fear that, on this occasion, you may have confused the words 'Thespian' and 'Lesbian'. Perhaps you should have studied a little harder.
Shaun from Dundee asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have a big thing for the girl who lives next door. How can I tell her of my feelings?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Shaun, I very much doubt that words will be needed if this 'thing' of yours is as big as you say.
James from Telford asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my reasonably priced girlfriend terms herself as an 'Earth warrior'. She and a group of like-minded weirdos tour the country in a camper van with the intention of promoting conservational issues. I am more than happy to support her beliefs, Unkle Munky, but am somewhat bewildered by her latest stance regarding a tasty Black Forest Gateau that I purchased from Tesco. She says that eating a forest is little better than chopping one down? Surely the aforementioned delicacy does not contain actual trees?
Unkle Munky says - Dear James, it would seem to me that your reasonably priced girlfriend is a little confused with regards to said Black Forest Gateau. Simply alerting her to the ingredients should put an end to the confusion. Has she been on the mushrooms lately?
Shaving the Poodle
Ruth from Leeds asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am tired of being hounded for my pooches autograph whenever I take her for a walk. How can I stop people mistaking my loveable poodle for that Cher woman?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ruth, apparently that Cher woman modelled herself on a poodle during the latter part of the nineteen eighties. The song entitled, 'If I could turn back time' actually refers to this unfortunate period in her career. On this occasion, shaving the poodle would seem to be your only realistic option.
Simone from Cheshire asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently amputated the rear left foot of my brother's pet rabbit as my mock exams were approaching and I had done absolutely no revision. The severed limb, however, simply attracted hoards of flies and what little concentration I did have soon waned! That phrase about rabbits feet being lucky is absolute bum wipe if you ask me!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Simone, please keep away from our carrot munching friends until I have enlisted the professional help that you so desperately require.
Colin from Cheshire asks - Dear Unkle Munky, after my death I would like to be reincarnated as a rabbit. I am concerned, however, that at some stage during my new life I might get a foot cut off by a psycho bitch named Simone!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Colin, I am sensing a certain amount of anger from your correspondence regarding your sister's horrific act. This is a very extreme case and one that should not be allowed to affect your choice of reincarnation. Rabbits generally live quite productive lives and, thankfully, very few will undergo this kind of terrifying experience. The majority of rabbit's feet on the market today are acquired from roadkill victims. I hope this helps.
Daphne from Dublin asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have just been offered a free, all-expenses paid holiday to Malta. I am due to fly out tomorrow! My passport is a little tatty and my photograph depicts me prior to the fake tan condition generally known as 'Tango'd.' I am worried that I will not be recognisable as the person in the picture. I don't have the time to acquire a new snap. What can I do Munky features?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Daphne, Crayola manufacture a stunning orange crayon called, 'Sunburst over Sheffield...?' Simply colouring yourself in should put an end to your vacation worries. Alternatively, you could paint your face with Tipp-ex.
Karl from Kirby asks - Dear Unkle Munky, do you think that the queen mum is really dead, or did she do an Elvis? I swear I saw her behind the counter of a local chip shop on Saturday night.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Karl, there have been numerous sightings of the queen mum since her death in 2002, all of which can be accredited to simple cases of mistaken identity. It is widely acknowledged that faking your death at 102 is a little futile.
- PS. You might be interested to note that Elvis is currently managing a small 'Burger King' establishment in Croydon with Kirsty MacColl.
Craig from Southhampton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my fun-sized girlfriend has a small barcode tattooed on her lovely bum. When scanned it is meant to read, 'Sexy'. A friend of mine, who works at Tesco, recently agreed to perform a clandestine scan of her buttocks for a cheap laugh. Our sense of mischievous fun was short-lived, however, when the till display showed - 'Tart' £1.50. To be quite frank, Unkle Munky, we are well pissed off with the tattooist and wondered if we should seek compensation?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Craig, forget compensation! Barcode tattoos gradually stretch as people get older. To be quite frank, by the time your fun-sized girlfriend is in her fifties there is every chance that her arse will resemble the rear end of a bus. Try scanning that bugger and see what comes up!
Ray from North Wales asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I often enjoy going deep sea diving with my mate Dave. Recently, during a post dive piss up, he casually informed me that the length of a person's foot multiplied by seven will give some indication of said persons overall height. With this in mind Unkle Munky, I should be about fourteen foot! Surely there is something wrong with this formula?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ray, take your bleedin' flippers off!
Cindy from Keele asks - Dear Unkle Munky, last night I accidentally torched my right eyebrow with a cigarette lighter that had been left in the 'Flame thrower' position by my arsonist boyfriend, Ray! I know that smoking is bad for me but, to be quite frank, I didn't expect it to burn! How can I improve my smouldering appearance Unkle Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Cindy, many women would give their right eyebrow's to be described as 'smouldering'. Did you see what I did there... ahem. I can only suggest that you singe the remaining eyebrow in a similar fashion. This will at least render your flaming stupidity symmetrical! Good luck.
Harold from Oxford asks - Dear Unkle Munky, that phrase about not being able to see the wood for the trees is complete anal discharge if you ask me! Surely the trees are the wood?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Harold, we have enough anal discharge on this agony column with that pompous Claire Rayner cow forever butting her nose in. Please moderate your tone. Only being able to 'see the trees' would infer that the person in question is not seeing the whole picture (in this case, the wood). I have never suffered with this particular problem myself as I see wood every bloody morning and, to be quite frank, I haven't always got the time to deal with it.
Unkle Munky Cosmetic Endorsement.
Cindy from Keele asks - Dear Unkle Munky, your advise regarding my torched eyebrow was absolute colon! I have torched the remaining eyebrow, as instructed, and now look like some kind of extra from an under-budgeted Sci-fi movie. I am a laughing stock and no mistake. I regret having to ask your advise again but that lovely Claire Rayner is busy helping some bloke from Oxford find a wood?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Cindy, Claire Rayner is nothing but a severe urinary infection within the urethra of humanity! Ahem... I'm sorry, but that woman is the bane of my life. I am a very sensitive munky and am therefore suspecting that you are dissatisfied with my previous advice? On the occasion of having no eyebrows left to singe, I can only suggest that you opt for the Unkle Munky 'Shredded Wheat' prosthetic. Your new 100% whole wheat eyebrows will be the healthiest on the block - or your money back! And that's guaranteed! Beat that Rayner!
Wayne from Bristol asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that peacocks use their stunning feathers to attract mates?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Wayne, my 1984 bumper book of peacocks confirms your belief. The exotic plumage of the aforementioned bird is indeed utilised as part of the mating ritual. After ten pints of Guinness on a Saturday night I often display my arse in much the same way. I can confirm, however, that I attract little more than the drunken jeers of the rabble I associate myself with. If only I had feathers...
Amanda from Cumbrea asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently made a polite enquire about a Greatest hits CD by the God-mutha of soul, Ms. Urethra Franklin at my local HMV record store. Yet again Unkle Munky I was turned away from said establishment without any explanation whatsoever as to my ejection! This really does take the Hob Nob and no mistake!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Amanda, the artist to which you refer goes by the name of Aretha Franklin! Googling the word Urethra should reveal the error of your cock up. Perhaps you should consider downloading your music in the future?
Lewis from Chorley asks - Dear Unkle Munky, you recently told me that the best way to iron a shirt was to get a girlfriend. I have followed your advice and have been seeing a lovely girl by the name of Sarah for almost two months now. Unfortunately, Unkle Munky, my shirts are still in a terrible state. She refuses to iron them for me and says that you are a complete tosser for promoting such a chauvinistic attitude.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Lewis, to be quite frank, she sounds bloody awful. I can only advise that you dump her at your earliest possible convenience and find someone more suitable.
Ryan from Stroud asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it okay to frequent gay bars with a view to pulling girls? It seems to me that a lot of straight women go to these places as they seem to enjoy the company of homosexuals. I think they talk about shoes and stuff.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ryan, initiating a relationship with a lie will undoubtedly lead to difficulties in the future. I speak from experience as I myself once pulled a girl at a gay bar. My excitement was short-lived when I realised that she was merely grooming me for her twin brother! Being buggered is not the best way to express your admiration for a girl. To this day I can't face cucumbers!
Amanda from Cumbrea says - I knew it! You don't know nuffin Munky features!
Kevin from Tyneside asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have spent almost twelve months fighting for the custody of my dear pet hamster, Harry. Thankfully, the courts have now seen sense and I am to be his legal guardian until he reaches the age of 18 (which is rather impressive as the average hamster only lives for a couple of years). As a result of these fraught times I have, predictably, started to bite my fingernails again and could soon find myself at the hazardous cuticle level! I would rather not chew my fingers off and wondered if you had any suggestions?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Kevin, nail biting is a very common condition and can indeed be related to stress. You may experience fewer urges now that your concerns regarding hamster custody are over. In the meantime I would advise that you chew on a close friend. Failing this you could attempt toenail chewing (a difficult but achievable alternative that will give your fingers the respite they so desperately require).
Carol from Kent asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I think I might be pregnant! My recently refurbished boyfriend has had a pee on the tester but, to be quite frank, the results are inconclusive. Do you think it could be faulty Unkle Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Oh fer God's sake! Dear Carol, if you had taken the time to read the instructions you would know that it is the woman who is required to pee on the pregnancy tester!
Helen from Newquay asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently had the rear window of my Ford Cappuccino replaced as the previous pane had developed a crack that resembled a builder's arse. I am slightly aggrieved at the moment as the replacement window also seems to bear an arse-like crack. What the fcuk's going on Munky features?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Helen, I have a strong suspicion that the fault may lie with your rear-view mirror and not, as you mistakenly assume, the window that it is reflecting.
Helen from Newquay replies - Dear Unkle Munky, you were right! A pubic hair on the rear-view mirror was the cause of my optical delusion. I can't thank you enough. These rumours about you being crap will hold no sway with me Unkle Munky.
Unkle Munky says - Rumours? What rumours?
Gail from Derby asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that men have feelings too? Where do they keep them Unkle Munky? I have been with my reconditioned boyfriend for almost two years now and have still to witness any true emotion.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Gail, men do indeed have feelings. Unlike our female counterparts, however, we generally refrain from keeping them about our person. I keep mine stored, for instance, in a shoebox underneath the bed. I peruse them occasionally, but to be quite frank, I prefer the impressive stash of porn that's piled up beside them.