Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."

Ask unkle munky

Your tawdry problems continue...

Graham from Wigan asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I don't want to be cured of wanking. Will any future vaccines regarding masturbation be compulsory?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Graham, as far as I can ascertain, masturbating is NOT an illness/virus/disease. Your anonymous interfering witch of a mother was talking out of her saggy arse. I hope this helps.

Shola from Hammersmith asks - Dear Unkle Munky, with regards to that song by the bloody awful Meatloaf (I would do anything for love, but I won't do that) What exactly is it that he won't do?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Shola, rumours at the time seemed to indicate that Mr. Loaf was being asked to give up singing in the name of love. Regrettably he has stayed true to his word and still insists on recording his god awful music to this very day.

Stuart from Shropshire asks - Dear Unkle Munky, there is no denying that my new girlfriend is very pretty. I love her very much but have noticed one strange anomaly about her person that has left me, to be quite frank, dumbstruck. Is it normal for some girls to have pork chops as ears?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Stuart, chances are that new girlfriend underwent some kind of experimental corrective procedure. Thankfully, with the advances in plastic surgery, it is now possible to achieve a far more realistic aesthetic with regards to ears. You would be best advised to love her as she is. At least you will never go hungry?

Helen from Newquay asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my rear left indicator seems to be faulty on my motor vehicle. What should I do?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Helen, don't worry about your indicator problem. Simply purchase a comprehensive road map and plan your routes using only right-hand turns.


Lisa from Ledbury asks - Dear Unkle Munky, what are those horizontal lines for on the rear window of my car? Are they some kind of horizon guide?

Unkle Munky says - Oh fer god's sake! That's your heating element Lisa.

Greg from Lewisham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, during a drunken stupor a few weeks ago, my best friend told me that he loved me like a brother. The thing is, I really hate my brother? Where do I stand Unkle Munky?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Greg, we must assume that your friend is unaware of your negative feelings towards aforementioned brother. Some men do get a little sentimental when pissed. My advice to you on this occasion is to simply ignore his proclamation of love. The next time this happens simply buy him a beer and tell him to shut up.

Desmond from Wolverhampton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have been asked by the local criminal element to provide a getaway car for a forthcoming bank raid. Shall I go for a leather interior or would a simple manmade hide suffice?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Desmond, for legal reasons I am unable to advise you on this matter. Just make sure it has a decent sound-system yeah?

Damon from Runcorn asks - Dear Unkle Munky, what's all this crap about girls being the 'fairer sex'? My girlfriend isn't fair at all! She hasn't once let me put my dinkle up her bum!

Unkle Munky says - Dear Damon, the term to which you refer does not relate to how fair women are in relation to your sexual expectations. The word 'fair' when expressed in terms of 'The fairer sex' relates to the somewhat more favourable aesthetic of the female form. Please keep your dinkle away from your girlfriend's rear passage unless specifically invited by her to do otherwise!

Katie from Derby asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have for many years longed to raise the spirit of my dearly departed father. I recently discovered numerous Joe's in a contact magazine but, to be quite frank, I was nothing short of shocked by what I heard upon phoning them! Can I make a claim Munky?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Katie, raising the spirits of the dead cannot be achieved by simply calling sexually active members of a contact magazine. I fear that you have, on this occasion, confused the adult term of 'contact' with it's somewhat less provocative spiritual namesake. The only claim that you can make in this particular instance is one of extreme naivety.

A word from my sponsor...


Louise from Bradley asks - Dear Unkle Munky, whilst at a local library I recently stubbed my big toe and as a result uncontrollably exclaimed 'FUUUCCCKKKKKKIN HELL!!!' at the top of my voice. I was escorted from the premises by a rather smelly security guard and told in no uncertain terms that I would not be welcomed there ever again. Can I make a claim?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Louise, shouting obscenities in any public building will almost always result in a ban from said establishment. You are clearly requested to 'Please be quiet' in most libraries and it is therefore very hard to make any kind of successful claim. In the future I would suggest that you injure your person in a more sedate manner. Instead of wearing open-toed summer sandals you might want to consider Steel Toe-capped Doctor Martens Boots. I hear that they are standard wear for librarians of late?

Martin from Stoke on Trent asks - Dear Unkle Munky, sex with my new girlfriend is fantastic. I cannot help but wonder, however, if maybe I am missing out on the 'post shag' cigarette experience that she herself always seems to enjoy. Shall I take up smoking Unkle Munky?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Martin, taking up smoking simply as part of a post sex practise is not advisable. There is no reason why the same calming effect cannot be achieved by doing what I do after a good sex session - Put the kettle on and enjoy a Pot Noodle (beef and tomato flavour of course).

Sarah from Wigan asks - Dear Unkle Munky, can you settle an argument between myself and my girlfriend Trudy? She says that Star Wars is based on a true story? I, on the other hand, reckon that she is talking out of her sweet firm shapely arse!

Unkle Munky says - Dear Sarah, the thought of both yourself and your shapely girlfriend fighting is just too much for a young munky. With this in mind I am unwilling to either confirm or deny the legitimacy of Star Wars. Let the fighting begin!

Jonah from Eaton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, why do tortoises have shells?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Jonah, tortoises have shells because they look quite repulsive without them.

Craig from Lincoln asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my girlfriend and I are both Goths and are suffering terribly because of the ongoing heat wave. Our long black coats and flowing locks are causing serious sweat issues and, worst of all, we are in severe danger of tanning. Can you offer us any advice Unkle Munky?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Craig, on this occasion may I recommend a retro summer look based on the 80's pop sensation Wham! Goth, to be quite frank, is more befitting to the climate and atmosphere of both autumn and winter. Summer is for 'Choosing Life' not death. Dig out your fluorescent socks and meet me at the Club Tropicana!

Alternative Goth...


Sharon from Stains asks - Dear Unkle Munky, in the mid 1980's Norwegian pop sensation A-ha sang about the sun always shining on their TV set. Could they not have simply shaded the screen with drapes?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Sharon, 80's pop sensation A-ha did indeed score a number one hit with the cheesetastic song, 'The sun always shines on TV'. They were not, however, referring to poor picture definition as a result of having their screen positioned opposite a sun drenched window. They were instead eluding to the unconvincing plots and happy-ever-after's that were prevalent at the time in Norwegian soap operas. It would seem reasonable to assume that they were spared the wrist-slitting dirge of Britain's very own Eastenders.

Lyndon from Newcastle asks - Dear Unkle Munky, the current heat wave has prompted me to consider air conditioning. What are your thoughts on this?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Lyndon, men can now openly attend to their personal hygiene needs without fear of ridicule. Conditioning your hair is important at any time of the year and just during a heat wave.

Helen from Newquay asks - Dear Unkle Munky, the courtesy light in my automobile always goes out when I close the door. What can I do?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Helen, this must be the only electrical item on your car that is working correctly? The light is meant to go out when you close the door! In fact it is illegal to drive with the aforementioned light on. As a girlie you are probably concerned about applying lipstick whilst driving? To illuminate your face simply wedge the door open with a shoe.

Stephen from Manchester asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my girlfriend's life support machine is terribly noisy and often causes me to lose my concentration when reading her magazines. What can I do?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Stephen, simply unplugging your girlfriend's ventilator will put an end to those irritating bleep's. Don't forget to plug her back in before leaving the hospital.

Rachel from Reditch asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my brand new boyfriend has been advised by his doctor to wear looser fitting underwear. We are trying for a baby and are led to believe that his balls will be more productive if they are kept cool? What style of undies should we be looking for Unkle Munky?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Rachel, the 'Unkle Munky Skin Tone Collection' maybe of interest to both yourself and your partner. My new range are made from modern manmade materials and are designed to be both airy and practical. The lightness of their construction and the overall cut means that those all important parts remain cool at all times. At just £40 a pair they are a bargain too!

Unkle Munky's Undies...


The Coolest pants that money can buy!

Amanda from Cumbrea asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently heard a very catchy tune on the radio by a girl group called Wank? Earlier today I tried to purchase aforementioned song from my local record store but got thrown out on my ear for being abusive! Surely it is not my fault if that this band have chosen such a controversial name?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Amanda, the catchy tune to which you refer is called, 'I'm not shy' and is by a new girl group called FRANK. I have seen the girls perform the aforementioned song and can only conclude that the name 'Wank' may have been more appropriate. Phhooaarrr. Sorry, it's the weather.

Derek from Cardiff asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I is doin da Shakespear @ skool but can't favom a wurd o eet?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Derek, I am unable to answer your question as I cannot fathom a word of it.

Thom from Bury asks - Dear Unkle Munky, as with a tortoise, will my new cordless mouse die if accidentally left in an invertated state?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Thom, tortoises are unable to walk if left unattended whilst on their backs. This means that they are unable to scurry (I'm thinking a slow scurry... slurry?) for food. The mouse to your pc is not governed by a need for nourishment and will therefore come to no permanent harm if accidentally left in an inverted state.

Jane from Salford asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that old people get a telegram from the queen on there 100th birthday?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Jane, it is indeed true that a telegram is sent to every British citizen upon the event of their 100th birthday. You maybe interested to note that the telegrams often contain a request from HM the Queen to, 'Hurry up and die!'. Apparently they are quite a burden on the state at that age.

Stephen from Manchester asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I think my girlfriend's life-support machine might be faulty? It keeps making this intermittent beeping noise. What should I do? I don't like to bother the nursing staff as they have water fountains and vending machines to attend to.

Unkle Munky says - Dear Stephen, simply unplug your girlfriend's ventilator for approx. thirty seconds and then plug it back in. It works every time with my dodgy microwave.

Cloud anomalies?

Ryan from Eire asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I thought the cloud anomalies had finally ceased, but just look at what I spotted whilst sunbathing earlier today!

Cloud anomalie

Unkle Munky says - Dear Ryan, whilst I admit that this is a rather strange sight, I must still insist that these 'cloud anomalies' of yours are complete bollocks.

Amanda from Cumbrea asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently heard an old song on the radio called, 'Love really hurts without lube.' I think it was sang by some bloke named Billy Ocean? Upon requesting the availability of the aforementioned tune at my local record store, I was yet again ejected. To be quite frank Unkle Munky, I'm getting a bit cheesed off with their treatment towards me. Surely it's not my fault that Mr. Ocean sang so openly about his own personal need for lube in the bedroom?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Amanda, the song to which you refer is entitled, 'Love really hurts without YOU!'

Jon from Portsmouth asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently purchased a satellite navigation system for my car. Getting to my holiday destination of Blackpool, however, is proving quite troublesome. I currently find myself in a shipping container on a rusty old cargo vessel heading for North America! What went wrong Munky?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Jon, you have more than likely configured your new satellite navigation system incorrectly during installation. On this occasion I would advise making the most of what America has to offer. You can always try Blackpool next year. Have a nice day now!

Helen from Newquay asks - Dear Unkle Munky, why is the only vanity mirror in my car on the fcuking passenger's side? I need to regularly check my lipstick and mascara whilst driving but am forced, due to a design oversight of immense proportions, to wait until I arrive at my destination.

Unkle Munky says - Dear Helen, applying makeup whilst driving is generally accepted amongst health and safety experts as being, 'Pretty bloody stupid!' For this very reason the majority of cars on the road today are equipped with just one passenger-side vanity mirror. I understand that you may want to promote a look of shocked gorgeousness when being cut from your wrecked car by those burly emergency services personnel, but really! You can take vanity too far you know?

George from Leyton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my neighbors dog keeps fouling the pavement outside my stone-cladded house. Can I make a claim?

Unkle Munky says - Dear George, a cautious approach must be maintained when dealing with your neighbour as he is quite likely to retaliate by making a subsequent claim against yourself for lowering the tone of the neighbourhood with that god awful stone cladding!

Pearls before a Munky...

Norma from Chelmsford asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my shiny new boyfriend says he is going to give me a pearl necklace tonight! I simply can't wait as I have always admired the plain yet sophisticated beauty of the shimmering pearl. What can I give him in return Unkle Munky?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Norma, I hate to be the one to burst your bubble. The term 'Pearl necklace' is the result of a sexual act, the details of which I will send privately via email. Allowing your new boyfriend to bestow this gift upon you will relieve the burden, on your part, with regards to buying him anything ever again. Of course, I could be wrong. He may indeed have bought you a lovely item of jewellery. Perhaps 'knocking one off' over your neck hasn't even entered his mind..? I doubt it though.




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