Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky’s primitive opinions are not necessarily a reflection of his own… primitive opinions.
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This week Munky is licking envelopes...
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Bungle replies - Yes, I’m afraid he has, Munky. It’s disparaging in the extreme and no mistake! I’m a little upset to be frank. After all, I was only asking. It is my job.
Unkle Munky says - You take no notice of the nasty man.
Jeezus. He’s hardly cut out for this investigative reporting is he!?
Tina from Londonderry asks - Dear Unkle Munky, My son is a renowned underachiever. With this in mind, I was wondering if perhaps you might be interested in employing him?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Tina, I find the tone of your query to be both contemptuous and despicable. I would recommend, on this occasion, that you pack your lazy, good-for-nothing son off to the nearest call centre! Good day!
David from Cornwall asks - Dear Unkle Munky, If a quiz is quizzical, what is a test?
Unkle Munky says - Ahem. I suppose you think that’s funny David? This is a serious site for serious problems. Please take your schoolyard witticisms elsewhere!
Mary Motion Sickness (Munky’s assistant) adds - Would it be a testicle, Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Oh fer god’s sake!
A short paws whilst Munky’s feelings of inadequacy are once again appeased by a well-worn self help audio cassette.
Does Semen Float?
Gareth from Eire asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Is it true that semen floats?
Unkle Munky says - Just one moment Gareth…
A short paws whilst Munky carries out an impromptu experiment to establish the buoyancy of semen.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Gareth, I am able confirm that said bodily fluid does indeed float.
Thanks for the cappuccino, Munky.
Unkle Munky replies - Ahem. Oh. Oh, you're welcome, Mary.
Ian from Sandringham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have been led to believe that you recently prescribed a confectionary based medicine for my mother’s nervous tick. I have no option but to raise my concerns with regards to your somewhat unconventional treatment methods. My mother is now suffering from both a nervous tick and an irritable bowel!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ian, I treated your mother's ailment to the best of my ability. I refuse to be held responsible for the misleading way in which manufacturers label their confectionary based medication.
Ms. Motion Sickness (Munky's assistant) adds - Oh fer fuck's sake...
Gemma from Belfast asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Did you receive my mail marked with fake snow?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Gemma, I did indeed receive the correspondence of which you speak. I would have answered far earlier had I not been busy with an urgent dot-to-dot assignment (it was a penguin by the way). As to your query: Labelling your boyfriend as a ‘Lazy bastard’ just because he hasn’t taken your Xmas decorations down is both despicable and uncalled for. I am positively certain that no bad luck will befall you during the next few weeks. And now, if you do not mind, I have crayoning practise. Good day.
Ref. That fuckin’ Xmas tree!
Dear Unkle Munky, Yet again I have snagged my black gothic stockings on your fuckin’ sad excuse of a Xmas tree. How many times do you need reminding that Xmas is over!? Yesterday I nearly went arse over tit on a stray bauble! I shall be forced to report your lacklustre approach to health and safety to the relative authorities if I do not see an improvement within the next forty eight hours!
Unkle Munky replies - Ahem. Thank you for bringing this urgent problem to my attention, Mary. I shall attend to said matter just as soon as I have completed colouring-in my latest dot to dot masterpiece.
Munky's Spirit Guide.
Mike from Petersbrough asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Did you receive my spiritual query?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Mike, I did indeed receive said query. I am at pains to remind you that my spiritual abilities come at a price. I am often left exhausted and disoriented after channelling the late king of rock and roll. Please consider this fact when attempting to abuse my gift for such trivial gains!
Unkle Munky says - I trust this meets with your approval, Mike?
Mike replies - No not really, Munky. The bastard sunk my battleship.
The Final Word.
Today's final word goes to... Freddy The Fly?
Unkle Munky says - Ahem. Thanks Freddy.