Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky’s primitive opinions are not necessarily a reflection of his own… primitive opinions.
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This week Munky leaves it alone...
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Ref. Advent Calendar.
Dear Unkle Munky, I have received a number of irate emails this morning from people who have purchased your ‘Unkle Munky’ advent calendar. I sympathise with many of the complaints and was wondering if perhaps you might enlighten your readers and myself as to why there is a picture of some Blu-Tack behind door number 1?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Motion Sickness, I would have thought it quite obvious? Festive Blu-Tack adheres numerous decorations to all manner of surfaces throughout the land. Please have a little patience. There are many doors still to open and all of them offer something new and exciting for the discerning Christmasophile. And now, if you do not mind, I have tinsel practise. Good day!
Oh fer god's sake! That woman is a lawsuit in the making, Munky!
Unkle Munky says - You just leave Samey alone! It’s not easy being an Amy Winehouse impersonator at the moment!
Automatic for the short arse.
Peter from Stirling asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have lodged many complaints regarding my experiences with automatic doors and am constantly informed that my short stature is to blame for them not opening on my approach. What can I do?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Peter, Automatic doors use heat and motion sensors to detect the approach of oncoming persons. In your case it would appear that said detectors are positioned higher than your short arsed frame. I would recommend, on your next outing, that you simply wear platform boots and a big hat. And now, if you do not mind, I have advent calendars to flog. Good day!
Unkle Munky says - Wow! That's amazing. Thanks Tina.
Ok Munky, why is there a picture of X Factor’s Rhydian behind door number five of your dumb advent calendar?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Sickness, At this special time of the year we must endeavour to show peace and goodwill to all men, even twat’s like Rhydian.
Ashley from Birmingham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Is it true that the very first mobile phone was the size of a briefcase?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ashley, I have consulted my Charlie’s Angels book of telecommunications and can confirm that the very first mobile phone was indeed the size of a briefcase. You might be interested to note, incidentally, that the dimensions of the very first briefcase were not at all dissimilar to that of a small garden shed. I hope this helps. And now, if you do not mind, I have angels to impress.
Kirsty from County Antrim asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Objects of a desirable nature are often described as being ‘the best thing since sliced bread’. With this in mind, what was considered ‘the best thing’ prior to the introduction of said comestible?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Kirsty, What an interesting question. I have consulted my ‘2005 Cheeky Girls history of phrases compendium’ and can confirm that, prior to sliced bread, the ‘best thing’ available was universally agreed to be the bread knife.
Dear Ms. Motion Sickness, Will you please refrain from using the same female model for the various features and ads that appear on my award dodging column! You are making me look both cheap and unprofessional! She also thinks too loud!
Ms. Motion Sickness replies - Sorry Unkle Munky. I just assumed that ‘cheap and unprofessional’ was in keeping with your nature. After all, you’re counsel is pretty shit.
Malcolm from Flintshire asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Did you receive my letter marked with extensive slimy slug snot? I am at my wits end and no mistake!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Malcolm, I did indeed receive your disgusting correspondence. It would appear to me that you misunderstood my previous counsel with regards to exterminating the aforementioned pests. I can only reiterate my advice and suggest that you sprinkle said pests with salt, not pepper!
A short paws whilst Munky considers the plight of a homeless homing pigeon…
The Final Word.
This week’s final word goes to Mr. Marilyn Manson…