Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky’s primitive opinions are not necessarily a reflection of his own… primitive opinions.
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This week Munky is digital...
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Zoe from County Down asks - Dear Unkle Munky, The electric aerial on my brand new TR7 often fails to fully extend. What can I do?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Zoe, Popping one of my magical blue pills into the oil sump of your vehicle will solve said antenna problem in an instant!
- Viatenna are available from Munky Pharmaceuticals.
- Always read the label and never cheek your elders.
- May cause extensive damage to mechanical parts.
Abel from Surrey asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Did you receive my letter marked with various mathematical formulae?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Abel, I did indeed receive the aforementioned letter. I would have replied far earlier had I not been troubled by an aggressive yeast infection. As to your query: Scientists the world over are united in their beliefs that planet earth will not stop spinning in our lifetimes. Placing bets as to 'which country the world might stop on' are therefore premature and foolhardy in the extreme. I hope this helps. And now, if you do not mind, I have rainbow chasing practice. Good day!
A Xmas Munky Memo.
Ref. Xmas Illuminations.
Dear Ms. Sickness, How are my Christmas bookings coming along? I suspect that I will be required to switch on numerous lights at events up and down the country. After all, I am the world’s leading agony primate.
Mary Motion Sickness replies - Munky HQ. has received only one letter regarding fairy lights and their annual activation. Said correspondence came from the manager of the big DIY store on the high street. Apparently, he does not wish to experience a repeat of last year’s fiasco and is currently seeking legal advice with regards to having you banned from the city centre during the festive period.
Unkle Munky says - How long am I to suffer the repercussions of having relieved my engorged bladder upon the foliage of an illuminated Christmas tree? Fusing the nearby electrical substation was not an act of malice on my part, but rather an unfortunate consequence of a dire situation!
Kim from Basingstoke asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I suspect that I have been touched by the paranormal. What course of action should I take with regards to said experience.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Kim, It is imperative that you acquire proof of inappropriate touching before proceeding any further with this particular claim.
Kim replies - What the fuc…?
Unkle Munky says - Wow. Thanks Kylie. Our first satisfied client. Well done!
Yeah, but look him! He’s a proper tit.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Motion Sickness, I must insist that you keep your crude acidic comments to your gothic self! There is probably a very nice person behind those comedy glasses and no mistake!
Timothy Ian Thomas replies - Comedy glasses?
Mandy from Whitecross asks - Dear Unkle Munky, My mother has a tendency to get very emotional at weddings. I would rather that she did not spoil my big day by crying all the way through the ceremony. What can I do?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Mandy, Appease your mother's fears by informing her that a third of all marriages end in divorce. There is, after all, every chance that you will be home in time for Xmas.
Give me strength…
A short paws whilst Munky contemplates the complex foresight required by turkeys when compiling their Xmas card lists…
Kevin from York asks - Dear Unkle Munky, My girlfriend is an extremely proficient and dedicated swimmers. Sadly, however, she refuses to accompany me to the local swimming baths, preferring instead to go on her own. I am saddened by her attitude and was wondering if perhaps her love for me is fading?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Kevin, I cannot help but wonder if your girlfriend’s reticence might be connected to the attire you have chosen to wear? I would suggest, on this occasion, that you lose the socks. Women don’t like to see men in socks for some reason. I hope this helps. And now, if you do not mind, I have thong practise. Good day!
The Final Word.
This week a UK teacher was arrested in Sudan after letting her class name a teddy bear Muhammad. This week’s final word goes to Muhammad himself…
Unkle Munky says - Ahem. Thanks Muhammad.
I have the Sudanese authorities on the phone Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Oh bollocks.