Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky’s primitive opinions are not necessarily a reflection of his own… primitive opinions.
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This week Munky is hustling...
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Pointing with Passion.
Stuart from West Lothian asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I love my girlfriend very much but have noticed, of late, that she appears to be doing a lot of pointing. Is this normal behaviour for the modern day female?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Stuart, I can only assume that your girlfriend has recently purchased Victoria Beckham’s ‘Big Book of Pointing’. Late October and early November has always proven to be a busy time on the pointing circuit as both Halloween and Bonfire night are celebrated in quick succession. Victoria illustrates this perfectly in her publication by performing a stunning dual pointing feat.
NB. Please use extreme caution if attempting the aforementioned dual pointing technique. Ms. Beckham is, after all, a fully trained professional. Thank you.
Warren from Stevenage asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Is it true that some kind of permit must be acquired before affixing a simple hook to a bathroom door? I get the distinct feeling that my mate is trying to pull my plonker again and no mistake!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Warren, It is high time that you took the counsel of your friend more seriously. I can indeed confirm that a permit must be attained from your local council before securing any kind of hook to any kind of door. More information regarding this subject can be found by pressing the red button on your steam iron.
Warren replies - Oh forget it! I’ll simply throw my bathrobe over the laundry basket.
Unkle Munky says - As Britain’s premier agony Unkle, I would be failing in my duty if I did not advise you to attain the relative permit with regards to the casual throwing of the aforementioned item. Illegal bathrobe posturing is a criminal offence that carries a mandatory minimum sentence of twelve months. More information regarding this subject can be found by pressing the red button on your toaster.
Ref. The wrong hook!
Dear Ms. Motion Sickness, Yet again your inept editorial skills have made me look a tit! I speak, on this occasion, of the previous post. It would appear to me that my excellent counsel regarding ‘hook permits’ has been belittled by your somewhat random choice of picture!
Ms. Motion Sickness replies - I do apologise Unkle Munky. On this occasion I simply couldn’t be arsed to read the query in question. And now, if you do not mind, I have feminine hygiene matters to address. Good day!
Yesterday's News with Bungle Bear.
Unkle Munky says - They just don’t care about the important issues Bungle.
The time sponsored by Unkle Munky is: Debatable.
Add to Cart.
Tracy from Leeds asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am thinking of getting a Brazilian and was wondering if you could offer me any tips with regards to said procedure?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Tracy, I consider myself a liberal kind of munky and am more than comfortable in the company of lesbians. I endorse many dating agencies but find myself feeling a little disturbed by your insistence to acquire a woman primarily of Brazilian descent. I realise that the interweb offers many shopping sites, but adding a Brazilian to your cart is little short of despicable. I would recommend, on this occasion, that your broaden your horizons and stop treating the female of the species as if they were some kind of exotic commodity. Disgraceful behaviour!
Ref. Football Picture.
Dear Ms. Motion Sickness, Yet again you appear hell bent on making me look like a tit. I realise that the image attached to the previous query depicts the Brazilian football team, but this is hardly in keeping with the problem that I so professionally dealt with!
Ms. Motion Sickness says - Dear Unkle Munky, Had I used the pictures available via ‘Google’ when searching for a ‘Brazilian’ you would have had far more reason to complain. Indecently, I can hardly be held responsible for making you look like a tit. After all, you seem quite able to achieve that particular feat without any intervention whatsoever from my good self! Good day!
Unkle Munky - Ahem. Disgraceful behaviour!
Simone from Newport asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Did you receive my letter marked with various cosmetic products?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Simone, I did indeed receive the aforementioned letter. Extensive research has led me to believe that ’semi permanent eyelash tattooing’ is most definitely not available on the NHS. And now, if you do not mind, I have felt-tip pen practice. Good day!
A short paws whilst Munky is rushed to A & E with a felt-tip pen stuck up his left nostril.
The Big Book of Staring.
Suzanne from Leighton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have recently secured employment at my local ‘Hook permit’ department. Unfortunately, I appear to have courted the attention of a young male clerk who works in the same office. He stares at me on a regular basis and seems to have little interest in the hook related concerns that face us on a daily basis. Is this constant staring an intrinsic trait of the contemporary male, or is he just a pervert?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Suzanne, I can only assume that this young man has recently purchased David Beckham’s ‘Big Book of Staring’. David depicts many stares in the aforementioned publication. I can confirm that ‘Staring at work colleagues’ is indeed discussed and illustrated within its many glossy pages.
- An excerpt from David’s big book of staring.
Will you stop fuckin’ staring at me Munky!?
…And fer fuck’s sake, put some clothes on!
The Final Word.
This week’s final word goes to Unkle Munky’s window cleaner, Dave, who this week purchased a revolutionary I-Phone…
Unkle Munky says - Oh fer fuck’s sake!