Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky’s primitive opinions are not necessarily a reflection of his own… primitive opinions.
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Pete from Moray asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am struggling terribly with the attached ‘Spot the difference’ competition and was wondering if you might be in a position to assist?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Pete, This is indeed a complex puzzle and no mistake. Both myself and my gothic assistant, Ms. Sickness, have been unable to discover any variations between the two pictures. Perhaps you might wish to employ the services of a private detective. Good luck!
The Banal Brothers.
Unkle Munky - ZZZzzzz
Dear Unkle Munky, I recently had cause to call on the services of a local plumber. I left him my house key with a neighbour as I was meant to be working late that day. Luckily for me, however, I had misread a rota and was able to get home early. Sadly, my good fortune was tainted by a string of distressed squeals that greeted me as I walked through the front door. The images that I now have branded into my psyche are liable to remain forevermore. With this in mind, are there any laws in place that might help me to convict this doggie shagging pervert?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Kevin, I have studied the laws governing this particular eventuality quite closely. Sadly for you, however, I am unable to offer any kind of legislative relief. It would appear that corgi registered plumbers get away with this kind of thing on a regular basis. Perhaps you might consider purchasing a poodle?
Ben from Dover asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Did you receive my letter regarding my uncertainty to accept a lucrative employment contract in America?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ben, I did indeed receive the aforementioned letter. I have studied the job description thoroughly and would seriously advise against taking this position. The shoddy workmanship that seems to plague this company is nothing short of disgraceful. Appending your good name to the manufacturing process will surely end in tears, if not prison. Many, many people have died whilst using these contraptions. It can only be a matter of time before legislative action is taken against ‘Electric Chairs are Us’.
Dear Ms. Motion Sickness, Could we not have attained a more suitable picture for the previous query?
Ms. Motion Sickness replies - Securing pictures of electric chair victims is extremely difficult Unkle Munky. I’ll be buggered if I can find any! I resorted to using my sister’s Barbie doll in the end!
Unkle Munky says - Okay Mary. I guess it will have to do. Incidentally, please don’t mention buggery around the corgi.
Public Information regarding the selling of fireworks…
Thanks Ms. Minogue.
Danielle from Killkenny asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am currently organising a fireworks display for my son and his friends. Safety is paramount of course. With this in mind, I was wondering if you might refresh my memory with regards to the firework code?
Unkle Munky says - I certainly can Danielle.
1. THINK FIRST. Which firework will cause the most disruption?
2. STOP. Stand on the pavement near to the kerb with your chosen firework.
3. USE YOUR EYES AND EARS. Look all around for traffic, and listen out for rockets.
4. WAIT UNTIL IT’S SAFE TO CROSS. If traffic is coming, pull a face and let it pass.
5. LOOK AND LISTEN. When it’s safe, walk straight across the road and quickly position your previously ignited firework.
6. ARRIVE ALIVE. Keep looking and listening for traffic whilst all around chaos reigns.
Danielle replies - Oh fer fucks sake Munky! That’s the green cross code... I think. Where is the section about keeping fireworks in tin boxes and using a torch to the read the instructions?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Danielle, Blatantly flashing a torch at oncoming motorists is far from acceptable behaviour for a model citizen. I have serious doubts as to your suitability for the important position of which you speak. And now, if you do not mind, I have a Catherine Wheel that needs changing. Good day!
Danielle says - I give up.
Ref. Michelin Man?
Dear Ms. Motion Sickness, Yet again I am confused by one of your editorial decisions? I speak, on this occasion, of the previous post. It would appear to me that my excellent counsel regarding firework road safety is in danger of being jepodised by your somewhat random choice of picture!
Ms. Motion Sickness replies - I do apologise Unkle Munky. On this occasion I simply confused ‘Fireworks’ with ‘Tyre Works’.
Unkle Munky says - Oh fer fuck’s sake! It’s cock-ups like these that could cost us the 2008 Sony Ericsson Agony award!
Ms. Motion Sickness replies - Nothing to do with your shit advice then?
A short paws whilst Munky considers the plight of a rain soaked arsonist.
The Final Word.
This week’s final word goes to Mr. Guy Richie…
The Very Final Word.
Unkle Munky - Ahem. Thanks Little Ted.