Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky’s primitive opinions are not necessarily a reflection of his own… primitive opinions.

Ask unkle munky

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Express Yourself.

Les from Whitstable asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Is it okay to express oneself in the workplace?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Les, Individuality should always be encouraged. I would recommend that you continue to express yourself in anyway that you see fit.

Les replies - Oh in that case I shall continue to carry out brain surgery in my plastic thigh-high boots and Lycra leotard. Thanks Munky.

Brain surgeon

Unkle Munky says - Jeezus!

Liam from Stirling asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Is it true that under 18’s can no longer purchase cigarettes in the UK?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Liam, I have taken the liberty of passing your query onto my political advisor, Bungle Bear.

  • Bungle Bear. Political Advisor to a Munky.

Bungle ciggy

Thanks Bungle.

Winter Warmers.

Zoe from Chester asks - Dear Unkle Munky, With winter fast approaching I was wondering, when exactly should I switch to a warmer wardrobe?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Zoe, I am sorry to hear of your housing problems and will do my best to fast-track your query to the relative authorities.

Zoe replies - What the fuc…?


Memo from munky to mms

Ref. Earl anomaly.

Dear Ms. Motion Sickness, I am a little puzzled as to why you chose to embelish the previous query with a picture of someone’s ear?

Ms. Motion Sickness replies - I do apologise Munky. I thought Zoe was talking about earlobes as opposed wardrobes.

Unkle Munky adds - Oh fer fuck’s sake! We’ll never win a Sony Ericsson Agony award at this rate!

Tina's Tales.

Talltales waterloo

Unkle Munky says - Wow. That’s amazing. Thanks Tina.

Memo from munky to mms

Ref. International Poetry Day.

Dear Ms. Motion Sickness, I believe that this coming Thursday is international poetry day? With this in mind I was wondering if maybe we could persuade some of our readers to send in their poems? Perhaps you could judge said entries and post the winner at the end of this week’s column?

Ms. Motion Sickness says - I would enjoy that Unkle Munky. I shall put the word out and no mistake. Can I enter some of my own morose verse?

Unkle Munky says - I’d rather you didn’t Mary.


Linda from Hull asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Did you receive my rain soaked letter?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Linda, I did indeed receive the soggy correspondence of which you speak. I would have replied far earlier, had I not been forced into sitting through one of Mary’s bloody awful poem recitals. As to your query: Attempting to make a claim against the company who constructed your sun house is doomed to failure. I have studied their literature and can find no trace of the ‘blazing hot summer’ guarantee previously eluded to by your good self. And now, if you do not mind, I have a poem entitled ‘A Goth’s Lament’ to endure. Jeezus.

Mary's Morose Poetry.

A goths lament

Mary says1

I have many more if you’re interested Munky?

Unkle Munky says - NO! Ahem. No, that’s fine Mary. I have… ironing practice shortly.

Clever Dick.

Helen from Hounslow asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am a big fan of magic tricks but can’t for the life of me work out how this one is achieved. Do you have any ideas?

Magic trick

Unkle Munky says - Dear Helen, I am indeed aware of how this illusion is achieved. As this is a family column, however, I am unable to share said information. Needless to say, this particular trick can only be practised by those of a male persuasion.

Mary says1

Oh I know how it’s done Munky. The magician merely holds the box with his erect penis.

Unkle Munky says - I give up.

Big book love

Dan from Tottenham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Is it true that married men live approximately ten years longer than single men?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Dan, I have consulted my 'Big Book of Love' and can reveal that married men, on average, do not live any longer than their single counterparts. Apparently, according to Barry, they just feel as if they do.

The Final Verse.

Mary says1

In celebration of national poetry day, this week’s ‘final word’ feature has been replaced with the winning entry to our ‘final verse’ competition. Many of Munky’s readers entered into the spirit of the aforementioned competition and, after much deliberation, I have chosen a heartfelt piece by I. M. Disgruntled as my winner. Well done!


I. M. Disgruntled

He is a useless munky fucker

who thinks that he can solve your woes

by extolling information

that he’s gleaned from tacky shows,

shows recorded via channels

that appeal to the unwashed,

shows that dwell on common problems,

problems very rarely quashed.

He is a useless munky fucker

with a blasé attitude,

an incompetent advisor

who is insensitive and rude,

he is an agonising primate

with a penchant for distress…

He is a useless munky fucker

who leaves his clients in a mess.

Memo from munky to mms

Unkle Munky says - Ahem. Could you not have chosen something a little more positive Mary?

That was the most positive amongst them Munky. Some of them painted you in quite a bad light and no mistake.

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