Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky’s primitive opinions are not necessarily a reflection of his own… primitive opinions.
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This week Munky is thinking about it...
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Isabel from Pointon asks - Dear Unkle Munky, What is the most reliable form of contraception? My new boyfriend is extremely amorous and no mistake. I am not currently in a position to bring up a child as I am saving for an ipod.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Isabel, I can confirm that condoms have proven to be one of the most trustworthy methods of contraception to date. It would be wrong of me to suggest, however, that said method is 100% reliable. You might be interested to note that my recently patented ‘Sex prevention suit’ will be on the market just as soon as I can get the relative health and safety certificates printed.
Unkle Munky says - Wow. That’s Amazing. Thanks Tina.
Pete from Aylesbury asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have fallen hopelessly in love with a lady who lives across the road from me. Sadly, I am far too shy to approach her and was therefore wondering how I might best convey my feelings.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Pete, On this occasion I would recommend that you express your feelings via the gift of curtains. Here is an example that should help you to win the heart of your neighbour. Good luck!
No girl in her right mind is going to date a man with curtains like those Unkle Munky!
Unkle Munky replies - Dear Ms. Motion Sickness, Please keep your gothic opinions to your creepy pale self! I’ll have you know that those particular drapes adorn my very own spare room and no mistake!
Mary Motion Sickness adds - Exactly! They haven’t done you much good have they?
Unkle Munky says - Admittedly, the only person to have noticed them appears to be my postman. I am confident, however, that my pretty curtains will one day attract a pretty lady. And now, if you do not mind, I have tumble drying practice. Good day!
A Tail of Two Drummers.
Darren from Wilmslow asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I often get an itchy nose whilst playing the drums. Using either of my hands to scratch the aforementioned itch is out of the question when I am in the middle of a song. With this in mind, I was wondering if there might be an alternative way of appeasing this troublesome condition?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Darren, I also play the drums and often find myself in a similar situation. The problem is quite easily rectified by using your tail to scratch the offending area.
Darren replies - What the fuc..?
Ref. Drumming Query.
Dear Unkle Munky, As your general assistant I feel that I would be failing in my duty if I neglected to inform you that not all of your readers are monkeys.
Unkle Munky says - Really?
A short paws whilst Munky ammends his readership graph.
Warren from Stevenage asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Is it true that the average person inadvertently eats eight spiders a year whilst sleeping? I suspect that my mate is pulling my plonker again and no mistake.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Warren, I have consulted my ‘Rupert the bear book of inadvertently swallowed stuff’ and can confirm that the average person does indeed ingest eight spiders a year whilst sleeping. You might also be interested to note that the average field mouse accidentally swallows eight shire horses a year whilst slumbering. And now, if you do not mind, I have trampoline practice. Good day!
Ross from Sidcup asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Did you receive my letter marked with various formulae?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ross, I did indeed receive the aforementioned letter. I would have answered far earlier had I not suffered an allergic reaction to the internet. As to your query: I have contacted the relative authorities and can confirm that you will not need a toolbox when attending the forthcoming quantum mechanics lecture. And now, if you do not mind, I have Africans to contact with regards to a modem anomaly. Good day!
Ahem. Thanks Albert.
Elvis the Spirit Guide.
Dear Unkle Munky, Earlier this year, when my husband passed away, he took with him the secret ingredient to his very tasty onion sauce. With this in mind, I was hoping that you might be able to enlighten me with regards to said ingredient via your spirit guide, Elvis?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Susan, One moment please…
Why are you humming Unkle Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Please Mary! I must have complete silence whilst I get into the zone. Said information should follow just as soon as I am able to banish all intermediary thought processes from my brain.
Ms. Motion Sickness adds - Well that shouldn’t take too long then?
Unkle Munky says - He’s comin…
Unkle Munky says - Disgraceful behaviour!
Lee from Solihull asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Do you think that ‘Iris Recognition Technology’ will one day replace the four digit pin number?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Lee, I find the concept of ‘Iris Recognition Technology’ highly dubious. Withdrawing money from a cash machine is surely a custom that is practiced by numerous people, and not just those who go by the somewhat dated name of Iris?
Lee replies - Oh fer fucks sake! Forget it!
The Final Thought.
This week’s final thought goes to Victoria Beckham wannabe, Chanelle…