Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky’s primitive opinions are not necessarily a reflection of his own… primitive opinions.
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This week Munky is whistling a happy tune...
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Susan from Inverness asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Earlier today my partner accidentally pressed the cord rewind button on my vacuum cleaner (whilst it was still plugged in). I was unable to extract myself from the flight path of said appliance and, as a result, managed to sustain quite a nasty bruise to my lower left leg. Can I make a claim?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Susan, The only claim open to your good self in this instance is one of gross stupidity. Allowing any man access to your vacuum cleaner is simply asking for trouble. I would recommend that you exercise this chore privately in the future. And now, if you do not mind, I have washing machine practice. Good day!
Ref. Lord of the Rings?
Dear Ms. Sickness, Why did you deem it necessary to upload a ‘Lord of the rings’ related picture for the previous query?
Ms. Motion Sickness replies - Sorry Unkle Munky. I can only assume that I misread Susan’s email. It did strike me as rather odd that her vacuum cleaner would have an automatic lord rewind.
Unkle Munky says - Oh fer fuck’s sake! It’s no wonder we don’t win any agony awards!
A short paws whilst Munky decides on a washing programme that will best suit his heavily soiled wellies.
Martha from asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am beginning to wonder if my boyfriend’s behaviour is normal? I have yet to see him this weekend because he is working on a graph that apparently displays the difference in popularity between smokey bacon and ready salted crisps? This nerd like fascination with inconsequential facts and figures is surely questionable?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Martha, You might be interested to note that I predicted this peak in your disquiet over seven days ago. Please see my latest graph for further details.
Martha replies - I give up…
Unkle Munky's Homework Corner.
Peter from Dudley asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am currently doing my homework and was wondering if you could help me to answer question number 5?
Question 5. Complete this popular phrase: ‘If at first you don’t succeed…’
Unkle Munky says - Dear Peter, It is always a pleasure to help those who are willing to learn. I am, however, a little bamboozled by this particular phrase. With this in mind I shall investigate further and mail you shortly.
…Try and try again.
Unkle Munky says - Ok Mary! I’m doing my best. Jeezus!
- Ms. Rogue Minogue. Consumer Correspondent.
Lynne from Salford asks - Dear Unkle Munky, What do you think about the latest Cadbury’s chocolate commercial?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Lynne, It seems strange to me that Phil Collins would choose to resurrect his flailing career in such an overtly crass way. I also find it odd that no one from the hair transplant clinic seems to have counselled him with regards to procuring a more natural look.
Cillit Bang Music Awards.
Mark from Egham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Is it true that the ‘2007 Cillit Bang Music Awards’ have been cancelled?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Mark, I have taken the liberty of passing your query onto my celebrity reporter, Ms. Samey Winehouse.
Unkle Munky adds - This is indeed a sad day for both the UK surface cleaning industry and music moguls alike. Terrible, just terrible.
I swear that Samey Winehouse is making it all up Munky. She’s worse than that fuckin’ political bear that you employ!
Unkle Munky says - Just shut it Mary. I am currently testing Cillit Bang on mildew. It requires ultimate concentration and no mistake!
Sharon from Maidstone asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I often wake up in the middle of the night with a dead arm. I believe that the condition is caused by having slept on said limb? Is there anything that I can do to prevent this condition?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Sharon, Sleeping on your arm is bound to cause circulatory problems. I would recommend, on this occasion, that you sleep, like the rest of us, on a mattress! And now, if you do not mind, I have duvet practise. Good day!
Stacey from Fife asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Why do rabbits have big ears?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Stacey, Sadly, like many of us, rabbits have been duped into the idea that carrots can make you see better in the dark. This is, of course, complete rubbish. They merely give you big ears.
Dear Ms. Motion Sickness, What the fuck are you playing at! The picture that you uploaded for the previous query is highly inappropriate and no mistake! Jeezus!
Ms. Motion Sickness replies - Dear Unkle Munky, I do apologise if the aforementioned picture caused your reader any distress. Naming an animal after a sex toy, however, is bound to lead to this kind of mix up.
Unkle Munky adds - Oh fer god’s sake!
The Final Word.
This week’s final word goes to Avril Lavigne’s hamster, Harry…
Unkle Munky says - Thanks Harry.
Ref. Avril Lavigne’s hamster.
Dear Unkle Munky, I am a little worried about Avril Lavigne’s hamster. Perhaps you should contact the RSPCA?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Motion Sickness, I fail to see how the RSPCA can be expected to deal with Ms. Lavigne’s alleged condition. I am confident that the pint-sized pop princess is more than aware of who to contact with regards to a diseased beaver.
Ms. Motion Sickness replies - Oh for fuck’s sake! I’m not on about her beaver… Forget it! I’ll sort this out myself.
Unkle Munky says - If you must. But if I were you I’d leave Avril alone. She won’t thank you for spreading rumours about her vagina and no mistake. When you’ve been on the agony circuit for as long as I have you tend to get a nose for these things.