Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky’s primitive opinions are not necessarily a reflection of his own… primitive opinions.
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This week Munky is dancing at the disco...
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Karl from Perth asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am writing to you in the hope of receiving some much needed words of comfort. I failed most of my exams last week and am beginning to feel a little worried about my future prospects.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Karl, You might find this hard to believe, but I failed all of my exams prior to becoming Britain’s leading agony Munky.
Jeezus! That’s possibly the first thing you’ve ever said that I do believe Unkle Munky.
Unkle Munky says - Shut it Mary!
Unkle Munky says - Bastards!
Ms. Motion Sickness (Munky’s assistant) adds - How do you think I feel?
Sonya from London asks - Dear Unkle Munky, My next door neighbour recently repaired a fence that separates both our gardens. He has done a splendid job but refuses to accept any form of reimbursement for the materials used. I would like to express my thanks using the international language of semaphore and was wondering if you could perhaps illustrate how to successfully achieve this feat?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Sonya, As you might be aware, this is a highly specialised form of communication. Luckily for us, however, Munky HQ. is situated directly opposite a business calling itself, ‘Semaphore Solutions inc.’ One of their employees, a Mr. Sammy Phore, has kindly agreed to illustrate said message using the aforementioned system of signalling.
Dear Unkle Munky, Why is there a light aircraft in the carpark?
Unkle Munky says - Oh bollocks!
Tina Turner Tells a Tall Tale.
Unkle Munky says - Wow. I had no idea. Thanks Tina.
Michelle from Barrow asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Did you receive my mail regarding this weekend’s royal memorial service?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Michelle, I did indeed receive the aforementioned mail. I would have replied far earlier had my gothic assistant not spent the last two hours practising her bondage techniques on me! As to your query: I fail to understand as to why anyone would have a problem with The Duchess of Cornwall attending an Elvis Presley memorial service? Ms. Camilla Parker Ray Junior would have been just 30 years old when Elvis died. I imagine that she misses the man and his music just as much as everyone else does. Why her royal connections should cause such controversy with regards to this service of remembrance is, to be quite frank, beyond both my good self and my spaced out celebrity reporter (Ms. Samey Winehouse). And now, if you do not mind, I have rope burns to appease. Good day!
Michelle replies - Oh fer fuck’s sake! Forget about it. I’ll write to Britain’s leading agony aunt, Claire Rayner, instead. She knows far more about Princess Diana than you do!
Unkle Munky says - Princess Di? What’s she got to do with anything? She’d dead. Let it go.
- Popular Tabloid Newspaper. August 1977.
Kirsty from Humberside asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Did you receive my mail marked with bird crap?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Kirsty, I did indeed receive the aforementioned correspondence. I would have replied far earlier had I not spent the morning compiling a list of my favourite telephone codes. As to your query: It would appear to me, on this occasion, that you are confusing carrots with parrots. I have consulted my ‘1996 bumper book of vision’ and can confirm that the eating of said bird will definitely not improve your eyesight. I can also confirm that there is no truth behind the rumours regarding the linking of poor eyesight to incessant banking. Perhaps you should consider cleaning out your ears? There are many ear plop remedies available on the market and no mistake.
I think you mean ‘Ear drops’ Unkle Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Hey?
Ms. Motion Sickness - Oh forget it!
Russell from Lanark asks - Dear Unkle Munky, My neighbour’s house alarm is making a right din. How can I address this troublesome issue without hurting their feelings?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Russell, Environmental issues of a detrimental nature, such as the alarm of which you speak, should be reported to your local council in the style of an irate insomniac. You might be interested to note that I am currently working on a prototype house alarm system that has an integrated volume control. Failure by the current manufactures of said equipment to include such a feature strikes me as little short of lunacy and no mistake.
A short paws whilst Munky attempts to silence his prototype alarm with an hammer.
The Irrelative Pie Chart Company.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Motion Sickness, Do we have any suitable indication as to how irrelevant the previous item actually was?
Yes Unkle Munky. Figures just in from the International Board of Irrelevance have given us an inconsequential rating of ‘Anadin Extra.’
Unkle Munky says - Wow. That really is irrelevant.
Stuart From Devonshire asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am hoping to take driving lessons soon. Do you think I should book said lessons over a period of months, or would I be better advised to enrol on a one week intensive crash course?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Stuart, Learning how to crash a car is hardly conducive to passing the driving test. With this in mind I would recommend that you opt for weekly or twice weekly lessons. Good day.
Stuart says - What the fuc…
The Final Word.
This week’s final word goes to one of our many heroic firefighters…
Unkle Munky says - The ungrateful swines! That’s the last time I commit arson for them!