Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky’s primitive opinions are not necessarily a reflection of his own… primitive opinions.
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This week Munky Wants Revenge...
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The Trouble With Time Travel.
John from Liverpool asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Did you receive my email regarding time travel?
Unkle Munky says - Dear John, If your time machine was working properly you would know by now that I answered your query the day after tomorrow. In short, I can confirm that said machine is indeed faulty. And now, if you do not mind, I have contaminated meat products to destroy. Good day!
Julia from Nottingham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, A friend of mine recently attended a regression therapy session. She has discovered many interesting things about previous existences and claims that the whole experience has helped her to gain a clearer perspective on present day matters. With this in mind, I wondered if you had ever considered such a session?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Julia, As an open minded Munky I like to think that I am receptive to new ideas. I can confirm that I have indeed attended a regression therapy session and no mistake. Much to the annoyance of the hypnotist, however, regression could offer only a limited insight into my primitive past. Still, I was at least able to locate the remote control.
- Bungle Bear. Political Advisor to a Munky.
Ms. Motion Sickness (Munky’s assistant) says - I still reckon that bear’s talking out of his arse.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Sickness, Your snide remarks relating to Bungle’s journalistic abilities are not welcome on my award dodging column! The bear is currently weaning himself off various narcotic substances and is to be applauded for taking this opportunity to better himself. Please ensure that he is paid the going rate for his peachy contribution.
Ms. Motion Sickness adds - Oh he’s been paid alright. Apparently he’ll be ‘Scoring a phat one’ and ‘Getting off his tits’ this coming weekend at some dodgy rave.
Men and Multitasking?
Zoe from Market Drayton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Is it true that men find it difficult to multitask?
Dear Zoe, Your previous query prompted Unkle Munky to carry out an impromptu experiment on your behalf. As a result, his right index finger is now jammed in a pencil sharpener, whilst his left ear appears to be stapled to his desk. In short, it would appear that men do indeed experience difficulties when attempting to multitask. And now, if you do not mind, I have typing, filing, data entry and various other multiple chores to address. Good day!
A short paws whilst Munky receives first aid treatment.
Jane from Cookstown asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Why does that badly drawn boy always have a tea cosy on his head?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Jane, I have it on good authority that Mr. Boy’s forehead is especially ill drawn. The tea cosy of which you speak merely hides this unfortunate anomaly. And now, if you do not mind, I have antiseptic ointments to apply. Good day!
Warren from Stevenage asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Is it true that ice cream vans are powered by strawberry sauce? I suspect that my mate is pulling my plonker again and no mistake!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Warren, I have consulted my ‘Rupert the Bear explains…’ book and can confirm that said vehicles do indeed run on strawberry sauce. Caution must always be observed however as, during the recent strawberry shortage, illegal ‘chocolate sauce engine conversions’ were rife. Filling your van with the wrong condiment will seriously compromise both safety and efficiency. Incidentally, you might be interested to note that the music emitted by ice cream vans actually plays backwards when said vehicles are reversing.
Are all bears full of shit?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Sickness, Your constant besmirching of my bear friends is becoming somewhat intolerable. Please keep your despicable views to your bad gothic self! Good day!
Introducing Ms. Samey Winehouse. (Celebrity Reporter).
Oh fer fuck’s sake! The Mobo awards was created to celebrate black music, such as soul, hip hop and reggae. Why would they consider a smelly agony primate who doesn’t know his arse from his elbow? And who’s Samey Winehouse? Don’t tell me, she has drug dependency issues and you feel she deserves a chance!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Sickness, For your information, Ms. Samey Winehouse is my new celebrity reporter. I am confident that she will become a major asset to our Mobo approved site. I would, incidentally, appreciate a little more support with regards to this surprising nomination. And now, if you do not mind, I have R & B practice. Good day!
Banking on it.
Malcolm from Derby asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Did you receive my mail marked ‘Urgent and no mistake’?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Malcolm, I did indeed receive said letter. I would have answered far earlier had I not been renewing my Asian Babes porno subscription. As to your query: Furniture stores throughout the UK are renowned for their never-ending sales. With this in mind I am confident that you will be expected to work, as normal, this coming bank holiday Monday. On this occasion I have no option but to recommend that you wear your promotional outfit with pride and get on with the job in hand.
A musical interlude whilst Munky prepares a Pot Noodle sandwich…
There's Something About Shayne.
Maria from Fullham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Is it true that Shayne Ward has a new single out?
Dear Maria, Munky is unable to answer your question right now as he is currently attempting to reaffirm his sexuality by openly flicking through the latest edition of Asian Babes. This behaviour is often exaggerated whenever the subject of Shayne is raised. I can confirm that Mr. Ward does indeed have a new single out. I can also confirm that he is looking hotter than ever.
The Final Word…
This week’s final word goes to Shayne Ward of X Factor fame…
Ms. Motion Sickness adds - Phooarrr, he looks better than ever doesn’t he Unkle Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Ahem. Just get on with your pretend typing Mary. I have babes of an Asian persuasion to peruse!
Ms. Motion Sickness says - Yeah, ’cause you have.