Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky’s primitive opinions are not necessarily a reflection of his own… primitive opinions.
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This week Munky is enjoying magazines...
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The Dna of Cola Cubes.
Jules from Sidcup asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I expect to make a name for myself in the world of science by mapping the entire dna profile of a cola cube. I was wondering if you might have any advice with regards to said project?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Jules, I have consulted my 1998 book of confectionary related science and can confirm that the dna profile of a cola cube has already been successfully mapped by a Russian man named Rosco Kablinski.
Jules replies - Oh bugger. What about those chewy Coca Cola bottle shaped sweets?
Unkle Munky says - Sorry. I am afraid that Kablinksi has pretty much mapped the whole range of cola based candy. Perhaps you might consider wine gums?
Ms. Motion Sickness (Munky’s assistant) says - I feel duty bound to inform you, Unkle Munky, that the dna profile of a wine gum was mapped by Frederick Von Amstrad in 1996.
- Ms. Rogue Minogue. Consumer Correspondent.
Unkle Munky says - Wow. That’s surely the best advice Ms. Rogue Minogue has given to date?
Ms. Motion Sickness (Munky’s assistant) says -Personally, I think she’s talking bollocks…
Anne from Crawley asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am aware that men generally do not like to show their emotions, but it has now been over three hundred years since the extinction of the dodo and my heartless boyfriend still hasn’t cried! I am beginning to wonder if he has any feelings at all and no mistake!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Anne, I myself have yet to cry over the extinction of said bird. My temporary assistant, Ms. Motion Sickness, insists that I spend at least two minutes a day staring at a painting of the feathery freaks. I have yet to shed a tear and can only assume that I too am a heartless bastard. So long as birds of a busty bent are not threatened with extinction, then both your long suffering boyfriend and myself will be more than content. And now, if you do not mind, I have magazines to peruse. Good day!
Ms. Motion Sickness adds - Disgraceful behaviour!
Unkle Munky says - Shut it Goth and get on with some fictitious filing.
Give my Regards to Pepsi.
- Trailer for the 1952 bio flick, ‘Give My Regards to Pepsi’.
Jason from Brentwood asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Did you receive my letter marked with curry sauce and marmalade?
Unkle Munky says - Dear James, I did indeed receive the aforementioned correspondence. I would have replied far earlier had I not been immersed in a mock three-minute warning exercise. It is reassuring to know that my premature affliction might one day be considered a blessing. As to your question: Your pregnant girlfriend’s unusual cravings are only to be expected. I would recommend, on these occasions, that you allow her free reign with regards to said requests. Given the circumstances, I am sure that your best friend will facilitate her desire to lick fresh cream from his naked torso and no mistake. And now, if you do not mind, I have mock tissues to dispose of. Good day!
- Marilyn Manson.
A short paws whilst Munky confirms that seven multiplied by three is indeed twenty one…
Munky confirms that Marilyn’s sum is correct and wonders where the last two hours went.
Ref. Celebrity Sums anomaly.
Dear Ms. Motion Sickness, It would appear that we have our wires crossed. At the pub meeting on Friday night I mentioned a new feature called ‘Celebrity Bums’, a lighthearted excuse to upload celebrity related soft porn. ‘Celebrity Sums’ are of no interest to anyone!
Ms. Motion Sickness (Munky’s assistant) says - Dear Unkle Munky, Holding any kind of meeting in a public house on a Friday night is asking for trouble. To be quite frank, after your fourth Shandy Bass I could hardly decipher a bloody word you were saying! You are such a lightweight. ‘Celebrity Sums’ is a far more acceptable feature. Surely, with both yourself and that dozy Bungle bear, we already have enough arses around here anyway?
Unkle Munky says - Disgraceful behaviour!
Ref. A message from Mickey Mouse.
Dear Unkle Munky, I just had that Mickey Mouse on the phone. He sounded quite irate (for a mouse) and was saying something about his ears having been stolen?
Unkle Munky says - Did you tell him that Marilyn Manson borrowed them for our ‘Celebrity Sums’ feature?
Ms. Motion Sickness replies - Yes I did Munky. But he couldn’t hear me.
Unkle Munky sighs - Oh fer fucks sake…
The Final Word.
This week, the late Tony Wilson speaking about Bez (from the Happy Mondays)