Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky’s primitive opinions are not necessarily a reflection of his own… primitive opinions.
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This week Munky is enjoying Datarock...
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- Videos prone to removal.
The Nuclear Factor.
James from Kensington asks - Dear Unkle Munky, How can I best protect myself during a nuclear blast?
Unkle Munky says - Dear James, On the event of a nuclear blast I would recommend a suntan lotion of no lower than factor 30. Perhaps a sensible sun visor might also be advisable. And now, if you do not mind, I have free radicals to ensnare. Good day!
Unkle Munky says - Wow. That’s amazing. Thanks Tina.
Ms. Motion Sickness (Munky’s assistant) says - Fer fucks sake!
Adam from Belfast asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Is it true that alcohol is a depressant?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Adam, The depressed states occasionally experienced whilst consuming alcohol are usually triggered by the person you are drinking with.
Beer + Sting = Severe melancholy
Patricia from Islington asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Are there any cheaper alternatives to the pregnancy testing kits currently available on the open market?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Patricia, You would appear to be in luck. I have checked the touring itinerary of ‘Percy the Pregnancy Testing Penguin’ and can confirm that he will be in your neighbourhood this Friday. Percy has the unique ability to both sense and communicate any changes that might be occurring within those who suspect pregnancy. The answers you need will be provided by simply sitting on Percy’s lap for approximately five minutes.
Ref. Percy the Pregnancy Testing Penguin.
Dear Unkle Munky - I have just received an email from Percy’s P.A. It would appear that the penguin is currently under some form of investigation. As a result he has been forced to cancel his 2007 pregnancy testing tour.
Unkle Munky says - Thank you for that update Ms. Motion Sickness. I must admit, his techniques do seem a little irregular and no mistake. I believe he recently asked one young lady to piss on him? Disgraceful behaviour!
Percy the Pregnancy Testing Penguin speaks out...
Unkle Munky adds - Jeezus, he’s just making things worse!
Denise from Lanark asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Did you receive my letter marked with Winalot dog food?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Denise, I did indeed receive the aforementioned meaty correspondence. I would have replied far earlier had I not been embroiled in telekinetic experimentation. I still maintain that my mind alone was responsible for switching off that boiling kettle and no mistake! As to your query; Your dog’s fascination with rain is not uncommon. You can avoid losing him to the horrors of drowning by simply puncturing drainage holes into the recently acquired medical contraption. And now, if you do not mind, I have further supernatural powers to hone. Good day!
Foot and Mouth scare.
Ken from Kinross asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Is it still safe to eat British beef? The latest outbreak of ‘foot and mouth’ is giving me great cause for concern and no mistake.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ken, My knowledge of British beef is somewhat limited as I tend to enjoy a simple diet that consists primarily of peanuts and bananas. Thankfully, however, my political correspondent (Bungle Bear) has just sent in this exclusive report.
- Bungle Bear. Political Advisor to a Munky.
Mary Motion Sickness (Munky’s assistant) adds - I still say that bear is making it all up!
Unkle Munky says - Shut it Mary.
Rachel from Derby asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Recently, at an antiques fair, I was offered fifty pounds for my granddad’s impressive moustache. Is this normal practice at such events?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Rachel, Antique moustaches are a much sought after commodity. I would recommend, on this occasion, that you do not sell your granddad’s facial embellishment for anything less than one hundred pounds. And now, if you do not mind, I have false teeth to acquire. Good day!
Rachel replies - Oh bugger! I already said yes. Some bloke is coming around later to shave him. Fuck!
Mixing in Nautical Circles...
Thomas from asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have heard it said, amongst nautical circles, that the Titanic might have remained buoyant if it had been launched upside down. What are your thoughts regarding said theory?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Thomas, I am familiar with the conjecture of said nautical circle and can confirm that they are talking out of their collective arses. How on earth the beautifully ornate chandeliers would have faired at such a ridiculous launch is beyond me and no mistake. And now, if you do not mind, I have social etiquette classes to attend. Good day!
Ms. Motion Sickness (Munky’s assistant) asks - Since when have you mixed in nautical circles Munky?
Unkle Munky replies - For your information, Ms. Sickness, I can often be found at the local fish and chip shop. Said fish come from the sea, hence my nautical connections.
Ms. Motion Sickness adds - What the fu…?
- Ref. Highlighter Popularity Chart.
Dear Ms. Motion Sickness, Have you completed the ‘International Highlighter Popularity Chart’ yet? I have bet three bananas and a packet of roasted nuts on green being the darling of the highlighter circuit. It is imperative that I receive said information as soon as possible.
Ms. Motion Sickness replies - Yes, I have the pesky chart here Munky.
- International Highlighter Pen Chart.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Motion Sickness, I cannot help but notice that your figures do not quite add up?
Ms. Motion Sickness says - Well it was the best I could do Munky. I have been heavily into bondage this week and, to be quite frank, your mindless highlighter chart was the last thing on my dirty mind!
Unkle Munky adds - Disgraceful behaviour!
The Final Word.
This week’s final word goes to… Kevin Kebab? Who the fuck is Kevin Kebab?
Ms. Motion Sickness says - Ahem. Sorry Munky, August is always very quiet on the news front. Kevin has been pestering me for a spot on ‘The Final Word’ for ages and now seemed like a good time to fit him in. He is quite a political animal but is fearful that he will be consumed before his message is fully conveyed.
Unkle Munky adds - Fucks sake! Fancy a beer?
Ms Motion Sickness replies - That would be lovely. Perhaps a kebab afterwards?
Unkle Munky says - Yeah, why not.