Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky’s primitive opinions are not necessarily a reflection of his own… primitive opinions.
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Natalie from Gloucestershire asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am familiar with Albert Einstein’s ‘theory of relativity’ but have been unable to unearth any similar theories regarding black forest gateau. Did he shun the intricacies of said delicacy, or was his intellect not quite as advanced as previously reported?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Natalie, I have consulted my ‘Rupert the Bear book of cake theories’ but can find no reference to the aforementioned gateau. The mystery surrounding said sweet will no doubt continue into the foreseeable future. As a matter of interest I took the liberty of asking Lemmy from Motorhead for his thoughts…
Pete from Swansea asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Can you please explain the governments thinking with regards to making British citizens smoke outside! Previous to this ridiculous law I had never smoked in my life. I cannot help but feel that their selfish legislation will be the ruin of me and no mistake!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Pete, I have no time to investigate said topic as I am currently experiencing a somewhat severe bowel visitation from my spirit guide, Elvis. I do wish he’d leave those ethereal beef burgers alone! With this in mind I have taken the liberty of passing your query onto my political advisor, Bungle Bear.
- Bungle Bear. Political Advisor to a Munky.
Munky solves the chaos theory.
Tracey from Tewksbury asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Is it true that the mere flutter of a butterfly’s wing has the potential to cause hurricanes and tornadoes in faraway lands? I have already been the victim of major flooding this year and cannot bear the thought of further havoc.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Tracey, The phenomenon of which you speak is known as ‘The Chaos Theory’. The butterfly effect does indeed suggest that the aforementioned events are mathematically feasible. I am happy to inform you, however, that I am spending much of my spare time of late catching these pesky insects and am confident that any future tornadoes will be downgraded to nothing more than a brisk breeze. And now, if you do not mind, I have jam jars to rinse. Good day!
Martin from Perth asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Is it true that every radio programme ever transmitted will travel through space forever?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Martin, I can confirm that space is indeed teaming with the signals of yesteryear and no mistake. I myself recently purchased a radio that is capable of tuning into said signals!
Ms. Mary Motion Sickness (Munky’s temp. assistant) adds - That’s BBC Radio Two you dozy pratt!
Tanks for the memories.
Chris from Crewe asks - Dear Unkle Munky, How do tanks turn?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Chris, I have consulted my Rupert the Bear book of warmongering and can confirm, somewhat surprisingly, that tanks are unable to negotiate bends of any description. It would appear, according to Rupert, that the whole of World War Two was fought in straight lines. During the latter part of the aforementioned war the rotating turret was introduced and, from that day forth, buildings and enemies to both the left and the right of the vehicle were no longer exempt from its unholy wrath.
Ms. Motion Sickness (Munky’s assistant) adds - You don’t half talk some bollocks Munky!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Sickness, I can only suggest that you direct your venomous misgivings towards the bear and not my good self! After all, he is the one who is talking bollocks on this occasion!
Tina from County Antrim asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Which dance step can I use to best express my innate dislike of Battenburg cake? I have tried every move in the book and still my granny doesn’t get the message!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Tina, This is indeed a tricky dance step and no mistake. I have borrowed Claire from the dance studio next door to illustrate the move that I think might best suit your current conundrum.
Ms. Motion Sickness (Munky’s assistant) adds - Why can’t Tina just tell her gran that she doesn’t like Battenburg cake?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Motion Sickness, Yet again I am forced to request that you leave the agonising to my good self! The expressive form of modern artistic dance can be used to communicate numerous emotions. Tina’s dislike of Battenburg cake is just one of many statements that can be expressed in such a way.
Tina replies - Oh I don’t give a shit about the artistic properties of modern dance Unkle Munky. I just don’t speak to my gran because of a Swiss roll disagreement that we had in the late eighties. I still say that said roll is jam and not jelly based. Expressing this via the gift of dance has taken me almost seventeen years!
Unkle Munky says - Oh fer fuck’s sake! Uncle badger doesn’t get this kinda shit.
- Thanks Claire
A musical interlude whilst Munky busts a move…
A snapshot of war…
Munky on the pill.
Fiona from Derby asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Do breast enhancement pills really work?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Fiona, I have tested said pills on your behalf and can confirm that my enjoyment of breasts has not been noticeably enhanced.
Ms. Motion Sickness (Munky’s assistant) adds - Dear Fiona, Munky has obviously misunderstood the meaning of your question. Judging by the sudden appearance of his man boobs I would suggest that there might indeed be some validity to the manufacturers claims.
Unkle Munky says - Oh bollocks!
Ray from Shetland asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Is it normal for a person’s behaviour to change when they are wearing a nicotine patch? I am fearful that my girlfriend’s constant temper tantrums are slowly driving a wedge between us and no mistake.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ray, Simply sticking a second patch over your girlfriend’s argumentative gob will put an end to your current predicament.
The Final Word.
This week’s final word goes to Munky’s spirit guide, Elvis Presley…
A short paws whilst Munky expresses his rage via the gift of dance.
Thank you. And now back to Unkle Munky…
Ref. Final straw!
Dear Ms. Motion Sickness, This week’s final word was meant to feature Aled Jones, everyone’s favourite choir boy! My recent spiritual request regarding the sensitive matter of my penis was strictly personal and no mistake!
Ms. Motion Sickness replies - Dear Unkle Munky, The Aled Jones ‘final word’ feature struck me as a little disrespectful to your good self. With this in mind I opted for a temporary alternative. You obviously seem adamant that Mr. Jones should have his say? I will therefore upload the original feature shortly. And now, if you do not mind, I have morose faces to pull. Good day!
Definately The Final Word.
This week’s final word goes to everyone’s favourite choir boy, Aled Jones…
Ahem. Thanks Aled.