Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky’s primitive opinions are not necessarily a reflection of his own… primitive opinions.
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This week Munky is loving...
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Munky sheds light on shedding weight.
Louise from Faversham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am going to Corfu in two weeks time and would like to lose a stone in weight before I go. I do not enjoy physical exercise and was wondering if there might be an alternative way of shedding said weight?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Louise, The answer is quite simple. You will not have to lift a finger if you allow a Personal Fitness Trainer to do the work for you. There are plenty to choose from in The Yellow Pages, so just let your fingers do the walking.
Ms. Motion Sickness (Munky’s temp. assistant) adds - But I thought you said she wouldn’t have to lift a finger?
Munky replies - Just get on with your crayoning Mary! Fer fuck’s sake!
- Munky's Personal Trainer.
Ref. International deckchair graph.
Dear Unkle Munky, With regards to the international deckchair graph that you have suggested I colour in: We appear to be out of black crayon. Would it be okay to use red for Germany as opposed to the aforementioned colour?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Motion Sickness, To be quite frank, I am faintly suspicious of said crayon anomaly. Your tendency to hoard all things black might be endearing to fellow goths, but as a munky, I find it a little irritating and no mistake! I would suggest, on this occasion, that you leave Germany blank and move onto Poland (Yellow I believe?).
Ms. Motion Sickness adds - We’re out of yellow. You used it for that crap banana drawing that you did last week when you were hungry. To be quite frank, I don’t see why the world needs a deckchair graph anyway!
Unkle Munky says - Yes, you could be right. Forget the deckchair graph and move onto my tea bag chart.
Ms. Motion Sickness sighs - Oh fer fuck’s sake!
When men go shopping...
Jayne from Eire asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I sent my boyfriend out for hoover bags this morning and he came back with a Fiat Punto. Are all men shit at shopping?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Jayne, Surely a Fiat Punto is a more interesting purchase? I cannot help but feel that your harshness is a little unfair. I accept that the Fiat Punto is not the most stylish of cars, but surely they are far more appealing than hoover bags! And now, if you do not mind, I have a divers watch to order from Argos. Good day!
Cheryl from Dartmouth asks - Dear Unkle Munky, My friend says that she saw my boyfriend dancing cheek to cheek with another girl over the weekend. Apparently she witnessed them staring lovingly into each others eyes and no mistake. What can I do? I have heard all about Wits End and have no inclination to visit such a place.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Cheryl, I can only assume that both your friend and yourself have a limited understanding of the human anatomy. After all, staring into another person’s eyes whilst dancing arse to arse is surely a physical impossibility? I hope this helps.
Cheryl replies, Oh fer fuck’s sake Munky! Forget about it. I shall contact ‘Pantene Pro V’ agony award winner, Ms. Claire Rayner instead! She knows far more about two timing boyfriends than you do!
Unkle Munky says - You could be right Cheryl. Surely any boyfriend of the triple chinned wonder would be looking elsewhere after a sweaty night in her agonising clutches!
A musical interlude whilst Munky’s attention is momentarily focused upon a genital itch….
Nicole from Cheshire asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Is it true that some cosmetics are tested on monkeys prior to being distributed on the open market?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Nicole, The despicable act of which you speak is still a major threat to many of my family members. Below is a picture of my Uncle Pete. He was once an affluent business monkey who made hundreds of thousands on the stock market and no mistake. Since being tested upon, however, he has only managed to secure temporary work at transvestite related theme bars. I am incensed by the way he has been treated and, as a result, have taken to testing my own brand of facial enhancing products on pesky humans! And now, if you do not mind, I have blusher to smear upon the cheeks of my weirdo assistant. Good day!
Ms. Motion Sickness (Munky’s assistant) says - You can fuck off Munky! I am a goth, we don’t do rouge!
- Munky's Uncle Pete.
A short paws whilst Munky expresses his love for peanut butter via the gift of dance.
Thank you. And now back to Unkle Munky...
Warren from Stevenage asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Is it true that learner drivers are now required to perform a handbrake turn as part of their driving test? I suspect that my mate is pulling my plonker again.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Warren, I can indeed confirm that a handbrake turn is now part of the official British driving test. I can also confirm that wheel spinning and hot-wiring are to be phased in over the summer of 2008.
Angela from Durham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have yet to receive a copy of this years best selling book and was wondering if there might be a distribution problem?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Angela, I can confirm that there are no problems regarding the distribution of the Argos Superstore autumn/winter 2007 catalogue. It would appear to me that you have your dates confused? The aforementioned publication is not actually due to be released until early next week.
Angela replies - Oh fer fuck’s sake! I’m not on about the Argos catalogue you knob! I am referring to the seventh and final Harry Potter novel!
Unkle Munky adds - I find it hard to believe that any of the Harry Potter books can be more popular than the Argos catalogue. How anyone can be expected to successfully order household goods from said novel is, to be quite frank, beyond both myself and my consumer correpondent, Ms. Rogue Minogue!
The Final Word.
This week’s final word goes to Gary Barlow from ‘Take That’ fame…
Ms. Motion Sickness (Munky’s Temp. assistant) says - What the fu*@! That’s not Gary Barlow!
Unkle Munky says - Shhhh… Most of my readers have drug dependency issues. I am therefore positive that the anomaly of which you speak will go widely unnoticed. In the future, Ms. Motion Sickness, please keep your unhelpful observations to your gothic self! Good day!