Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."

Ask unkle munky

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This week Munky is getting goose bumps from Asobi Seksu...

Asobi seksu

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Ms. Motion Sickness says - How do you know when you have goose bumps Munky? Surely you are too hairy to notice them?

Unkle Munky says - Are you being funny? They appear on both my nose and my knob! And now, if you do not mind, I have agony to address! Please forward the first problem of the week to my good self at your earliest possible convenience.

Crap Actor.

Bill from Stoke asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have been attempting, without success, to make it as an actor for almost forty years. Do you have any ideas as to where I might be going wrong?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Bill, I am at a loss as to why your acting career has not taken off. I can only recommend that you continue to follow your dreams.

  • Bill expressing his emotional range.

Failed actor


Unkle Munky asks - Dear Ms. Motion Sickness, why are my balls languishing at the bottom of this month’s Irrelevant Pie Chart?

Ms. Motion Sickness (Munky’s assistant) says - Dear Unkle Munky, I can only assume that the current hot spell has caused them to plummet to levels previously unchartered.

Unkle Munky says - Oh I see. Well that’s okay then. Please carry on with your fictitious duties.

Brain Food.


Glen from County Down asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Is it true that eating fish is good for the brain?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Glen, Sadly, as I do not eat fish, I am unable to answer your query.

Ms. Mary Motion Sickness (Munky’s temp. assistant) adds - Given that Munky does not eat fish, I think we can reasonably assume that it probably is good for the brain!

Memo from munky to mms

Dear Ms. Motion Sickness, May I remind you that your position here at Munky HQ is that of an ‘assistant’ and not a ‘counsellor’! I would appreciate it if you would busy yourself with a fictitious duty whilst I decide on a course of action with regards to this troublesome global warming development. It is imperative that I resolve this issue promptly as that Sting wanker is threatening to perform his entire solo back catalogue at the next ‘Live Earth’ event! Your position here at Munky HQ is far less stressful than my own, Ms. Motion Sickness, and for that you must consider yourself extremely lucky! A little more support and respect would not go amiss!

Ms. Motion Sickness says - Yeah, whatever. Your vibrating latex pussy contraption has just arrived, shall I sign for it?

Unkle Munky says - Oh fer god’s sake! Tell the fuckin’ world why don’t ya! Yes, sign for it!

A musical interlude whilst Munky examines his latest acquisition?


Karl from Reading asks - Dear Unkle Munky, How can I rid myself of these pesky double glazing salesmen who keep knocking on my door!? I am at my wits end and no mistake.

Unkle Munky says - Dear Karl, On this occasion I would recommend that you surprise said sales person with a generous squirt of Windolene.


Cillit Bangin'

Memo from mms

Ref. Cillit Bang Monstrosity.

Dear Unkle Munky, Why is there a fifty foot illuminated Cillit Bang dispenser on the roof of Munky HQ?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Motion Sickness, I spent all of last weekend having my global warming awareness raised by people who jet around the world at the drop of a hat. I never asked to have my awareness raised! I feel violated and no mistake. With this in mind, I have chosen to promote something other than Live Earth!

Ms. Motion Sickness replies - Well you’d better switch the fucking thing off. There’s a gang of eco warriors outside complaining about the negative impact that you are having on the planet.

Unkle Munky says - I fail to see how Cillit bang can have anything other than a positive impact on the planet? I have personally eradicated some right stubborn grease stains with said product and no mistake. Some people just like to whinge.

Rogue Minogue.

  • Ms. Rogue Minogue. Consumer Correspondent.

Rogue minogue tarot

Ms. Motion Sickness (Munky’s assistant) says - Wow. That’s surely the best advice Ms. Rogue Minogue has given to date?

Unkle Munky says - Personally, I think she’s talking bollocks…

Kim from Newcastle asks - Dear Unkle Munky, You have come ‘nearly’ recommended by a friend of mine whom you managed to help recently with regards to a missing hairbrush. With this in mind, I was wondering if you could help me? Prior to her demise, my granny cooked a delicious Oriental Chicken Pie and no mistake. Sadly, she took a mental list of the ingredients for said delicacy to her grave. Any information pertaining to this matter would be much appreciated? I realise that your spirit guide is a busy man, but I fear a trip to that awful Wit’s End could be on the cards if this issue is not resolved shortly.

Unkle Munky says - Dear Kim, This was quite a tall order. Elvis is currently performing dead for a care home in Chorley and is fully booked until the end of never. Luckily for you, however, Oriental Chicken Pie is one of his favourite dishes. To be quite frank, I struggled shutting the fat fucker up once he’d started. I am now channelling no end of ghastly gastric rumbles and no mistake!

Spirit guide chick pie

A complaint.

Complaint dept

Karl from Reading rants - Oi, Munky Boy! As a result of your earlier Windolene advice I am now facing a lawsuit and no mistake! Munkys like you give agony a bad name! In the future I will take my problems to that nice Uncle Badger! He knows far more about irritating salespeople than you do!

Unkle Munky says - Dear Karl, I can only assume that you have inanely squirted ’standard’ Windolene into the face of your local double glazing salesperson. The new ‘extra strong’ solution (that I recommended) has yet to hit the shelves! I cannot be held responsible for your gross lack of acumen with regards to current window cleaning products! And now, if you do not mind, I have an intimate difficulty that requires both my immediate and full attention. Good day!

Bungle Bear.

  • Bungle Bear. Political Advisor to a Munky.

Breaking News…

Bungle home sec

Unkle Munky says - Thanks Bungle.


Ms. Motion Sickness says - Dear Unkle Munky, As you are aware, I am heavily into bondage and quite open-minded with regards to sex. I do however, feel that there is both a time and place for such shenanigans! You have had that vibrating sheath contraption over your willy all bloody morning and, to be quite frank, it is beginning to annoy me and no mistake!

Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Motion Sickness, The Acme Pussy Galore Vibrating aid of which you speak has malfunctioned to such an extent that I am now considering medical counsel. There seems to be some kind of suction issue with said contraption and, if you must know, I am currently in danger of losing my left bollock! As a Munky I am often called upon to test questionable products. For a small fee I can be coerced into experimenting with many things. Agreeing to test these budget sex aids, however, was perhaps a foolish decision on my part and no mistake. And now, if you do not mind, I have automated menus to navigate. Good day!

…for your right bollock, press 1

…for your left bollock, press 2

  1. 2

…You have pressed, 2. Your left bollock is currently trapped in the Acme Pussy Galore Vibrating Sex Aid…

The Final Thought.

This week’s final thought goes to Harry Potter…

Final thought

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The Diary of a Munky...

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