Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."

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Hasselhoff, Anderson & Sunstroke.

Warren from Stevenage asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Is it true that planning permission must be sought before building a sandcastle? I cannot help but wonder if my mate is attempting to pull my plonker again and no mistake!

Unkle Munky says - Dear Warren, I have consulted my ‘Baywatch Book of Seaside Etiquette’ and can confirm that planning permission is indeed required prior to erecting said structures. Sandcastles that include motes, indecently, are also bound by stringent health and safety legislation. I have taken the liberty of forwarding your letter to Mr. Hasselhoff of Hasselhoff, Anderson and Sunstroke. I hope this helps.


A musical interlude whilst Munky helps to raise the global profile of Cillit Bang…



Memo from mms

Ms. Motion Sickness says - Dear Unkle Munky, There appears to be a bear in reception? Do you know anything about it? I swear he’s pissed.

Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Motion Sickness, The bear of whom you speak is none other than children’s TV presenter, Bungle Bear. Sadly, since the axing of ‘Rainbow’ (popular children’s television programme) he has drifted from pillar to post and, as a result, has found it almost impossible to gain permanent fulltime employment. I can confirm that he is currently experimenting with numerous narcotic substances, many of which are highly addictive and no mistake. I think you’ll agree, he is perfect for the ‘political correspondent’ position that we currently have vacant. I gave him a trial recently and am now in a position to offer him the job on a more regular basis. Please inform him of my decision when he has finished admiring the bubbles in the water cooler.

Ms. Motion Sickness adds - Are you sure Munky? He seems a little unstable and no mistake!

Unkle Munky says - …and this coming from someone who spends most of her lunch break pretending to be dead?

Dr kylie

Dear Unkle Munky, Is it true that Kylie Minogue will be appearing in the Christmas edition of Doctor Who?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Toby, I can confirm that the lovely Kylie will indeed be starring in Doctor Who at Christmas. Here is an excerpt that I have managed to obtain -

Whos that girl

Dr. Who - It’s no good Kylie, the fractured heat-proof tile on the door of the Tardis will severely compromise our re-entry into the earth’s atmosphere and no mistake.

Kylie - But surely you’ve had a few compromised re-entries in your time Doctor?

(Kylie looks straight into camera, gives a cheeky wink and licks her luscious lips)

Dr. Who - Oh yes, being a time traveller has afforded me some wonderful re-entries, but they are not important right now.

(Kylie sucks on a pen whilst looking thoughtful)

Kylie - I think I have it!

Dr. Who - Yes, you do! It’s in your mouth! Can have it back please. I have important trajectory charts to plot and no mistake!

Kylie - No! Not the pen you arse! I mean, I have the solution…

Cut to the Tardis re-entering the earth’s atmosphere with Kylie’s heat reflective hot-pants sellotaped over the faulty tile.

Inside the Tardis Kylie stands in just a golden bra, her hands on her hips, the camera framing her bare arse and an open mouthed doctor.

Doctor Who - (Tries to speak, but fails)

Kylie - What’s wrong Doctor? Cat got ya tongue?

Doctor Who - No, but a pussy has and no mistake! Phhoaoooorrrr.

Cue titles.

A musical interlude whilst Munky spanks the… monkey?


Bungle Bear. Political Advisor to a Munky.

Bungle nhs

Unkle Munky says - Thanks Bungle.

Live Wade.

Linda from Yorkshire asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Do you think the government should be doing more to help those who were affected by last week’s floods?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Linda, I was personally hoping that a free concert might have been organised in the wake of said floods. They could have called it ‘Live Wade’ and no mistake! It would seem, however, that Geldof and company are completely unconcerned by the needs of those affected by global soaking and would prefer, instead, to spend their time and money on issues relating to the warming of said planet. Disgraceful behaviour!


Joanne from Dunstable asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have a gap year approaching and am planning to backpack around Europe. I have purchased a map that details numerous points of interest. I am conversant with most of the symbols on said map, but am struggling to understand the one pictured. Can you help?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Joanne, I have consulted my ‘Adam & the Ants book of maps’ and can confirm that the symbol to which refer is actually a tea stain.

Joanne replies - Wow. Is it really? Where about in Europe would I find said monument?

Unkle Munky says - Oh fer fuck’s sake! Are you vetting these queries or what Ms. Motion Sickness!?

Ms. Motion Sickness (Munky’s Temp. Assistant) says - Dear Unkle Munky, As a fully qualified goth, it is my duty to remain melancholy and aloof at all times. Joanne’s tea stain problem has little bearing on my current malaise. I would appreciate a little more understanding with regards to my chosen mood swing! And now, if you do not mind, I have heart wrenching poetry to pen for a funeral competition. Good day!


  • Tea Stain (Belgium)

The lost art of conversation.

Josie from Moray asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Did you receive my letter marked with various antiseptic creams? To be quite frank, I have Wits End in sight and it looks a proper dump!

Unkle Munky says - Dear Josie, I did indeed receive said letter. Had I not been reduced to reading my mail via candle light I would have answered far earlier. That gothic assistant is a liability and no mistake! As to your query: Expressing yourself through the medium of dance, though highly entertaining, is seldom effective when dealing with issues of a genitourinary nature. With this in mind, I would suggest that you temporarily exchange the art of dance for the art of conversation. Your partner, after all, has a right to know that his knob might be in danger.

Josie replies - Perhaps I could convey my disease via the popular sixties dance known as ‘The Twist’?

Unkle Munky says - Give me fuckin’ strength!


A musical interlude whilst Munky examines his privates?


The Final Word.

This week’s final word goes to Queen Elizabeth the Second.

Land ahoy

Memo from munky to mms

Ref. This weeks final word feature.

Dear Ms. Motion Sickness, When I instructed you to upload a picture of Queen Elizabeth I was referring to her majesty the queen and not the fuckin’ ocean liner! You have made me look a proper tit and no mistake. To be quite frank, I will be glad when Ms. Bumton returns.

Mary Motion Sickness (Munky’s temporary assistant) replies - It is hardly my fault that your communication skills are shit! If Ms. Bumton has got any sense she will milk her maternity leave for all it’s worth! And now, if you do not mind, I have a piercing to sterilise! Good day!

PS. You are more than adept at making yourself look like a tit without mine, or anyone else’s help!

Unkle Munky says - Disgraceful behaviour!

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