Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
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This week Munky is being forced to listen to...
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- Videos prone to removal.
Introducing Munky's new assistant.
Unkle Munky reluctantly introduces his temporary assistant, Ms. Mary Motion Sickness.
- Mary is sponsored by Irn Bru.
Name: Mary Motion Sickness.
Sex: Heavily into bondage.
List your hobbies: Collecting roadkill, singing with my band (The Pussycat Voodoo Dolls) and pretending to be dead.
What skills can you bring to Unkle Munky HQ? I can twitch my left ear and recite ‘God save the queen’ backwards.
Why do you want to work for Unkle Munky? I am saving up for a leather harness, a deluxe multi speed vibrator and a new dog collar.
Previous employment details: In a previous life I was the lead singer of a successful 80’s goth group called ‘Siouxsie and the Banshees’. At the age of twenty I accidentally faked my own death. Sadly, this tragic event was to subsequently hinder my chances of gaining fulltime employment. In the spring of 2007, however, I found work as an insensitive entertainment reporter for a smelly primate.
Unkle Munky says - Well that all seems to be in order and no mistake. Welcome to Munky HQ.
Ms. Motion Sickness replies - Thank you Unkle Munky.
Jane from Chesterfield asks - Dear Unkle Munky, One of the wheels has fallen off my wheelie bin. Do you think I should attempt a repair myself or simply report said fault to the council?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Jane, Simply calling your wheelie bin a ‘Nearly bin’ will put an end to this whole sorry mess and no mistake.
Ref. Wheelie bin advice.
Dear Uncle Munky, As your temporary assistant I feel duty bound to express my concerns regarding the previous query. Your idiotic counsel is little short of moronic. I have contacted Jane from Chesterfield via the gift of ‘Women’s intuition’ and have advised her to remove the remaining wheel. This simple action will enable her to describe said bin as just that, a bin.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Motion Sickness, I am at pains to remind you that I am the agony Unkle around here! Bestowing wise counsel in a friendly and relaxed manner is the sole responsibility of my good self. You, on the other hand, in your capacity as general assistant, are simply required to sit at your desk in positions relative to administration.
P.S. Are you really allergic to daylight? I am struggling to study my laminated porn collection since you lowered the fucking blinds!
Ms. Motion Sickness replies - Dear Unkle Munky, I suffer with many ailments. I am a goth, it is my job to be sickly and depressed! And now, if you do not mind, I have introspective poetry to write. Good day!
Angela from Bournemouth asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Is it true that Fairy Liquid can be used as an alternative to lubricant?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Angela, Sadly I am currently unable to locate my ‘1989 book of alternative lubes’. I am, however, willing to test this theory and shall report back to you via the gift of email.
Dear Unkle Munky, There appears to be an inordinate amount of bubbles coming from beneath your desk? Shall I call the bubble police?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Motion Sickness, There is absolutely nothing to see here. Please carry on with the fictitious stamp licking assignment that I set you earlier today and leave the current bubble situation to my good self.
A musical interlude whilst Munky deals with a soapy issue…
Rogue Minogue's Consumer Corner.
Graham from Inverness asks - Dear Unkle Munky, has your consumer correspondent, Ms. Rogue Minogue, responded to my colourful query yet?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Graham, I have indeed received Ms. Rogue Minogue’s reply to your colourful query. She would have answered far earlier, had she not been embroiled in bogus ‘Doctor Who’ related shenanigans.
Lisa from Bromely asks - Dear Unkle Munky, why are the planets round?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Lisa, round planets are simply more compatible with the spherical shaped lenses found in modern day telescopes. This is the main reason as to why the planets in our solar system are indeed round.
Ref. Planet query.
Dear Unkle Munky, yet again I am forced to express my concerns regarding your counsel. You are, with respect, talking out of your primitive bum hole. The spherical shape of which Lisa speaks is connected to the combined properties of both gravity and mass. Most planets are, in fact, slightly elliptical in shape. This is mainly due to the centrifugal force of their spin.
Unkle Munky replies - Ahem. Dear Ms. Motion Sickness… Well obviously, I knew all of that! I was merely offering my own personal theory. A theory which, I may add, is currently being considered for publication in both ‘Nude Science’ magazine and the ‘Argos Summer Sale Supplement.’ Good day!
The Mother of Invention.
Derek from Liverpool asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am currently writing a thesis called ‘Women & Invention’. Sadly, I have yet to discover any female-related inventions of note. Why is this?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Derek, the tone of your query strikes me as slightly sexist. This aside, I have consulted my ‘Cagney and Lacey Book of Detection’ and can confirm that in 1905, a lady, by the name of Ms. Mary Anderson, invented the world’s first windscreen wiper! I trust you feel suitably ashamed? I would suggest, on this occasion, that you promptly ditch said thesis and no mistake!
Ms. Motion Sickness (Munky’s gothic assistant) adds - We must not forget Tipp-Ex Unkle Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Yes, I do apologise Ms. Sickness. Tipp-Ex is another fine example of female ingenuity. Incidentally, I would recommend that you cease using said correction fluid as a gothic aid! Painting your face with anything other than a certified cosmetic is simply asking for trouble!
A musical interlude whilst Munky establishes the origins of the second windscreen wiper…
Sam from Newport asks - Dear Unkle Munky, My regular medium was unable to see me this week. The notice on her door simple said ‘Closed due to unforeseen circumstances.’ With this in mind, I was wondering if your personal spirit guide might be in a position to help me?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Sam, I have contacted my spirit guide and he offers the following information…
Banking on Munky's Counsel.
Linda from Dundee asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Did you receive my letter marked, ‘For the attention of Munky Breath’?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Linda, I did indeed receive the aforementioned letter. Had it not been for the inadequate lighting at Munky HQ, I would have replied far earlier. As to your query: I have contacted your high street bank and they have corroborated my suspicions regarding the email that you received on Wednesday of this week. I can categorically confirm that it is not the policy of Lloyds TSB to contact their customers with requests for chest, waist and inside leg measurements. I would recommend, on this occasion, that you forward said email to the customer services department of your local branch for further investigation. And now, if you do not mind, I have candles to purchase. Good day!
The Final Word.
This week’s final word goes to the recently released journalist, Mr. Alan Johnston.
Unkle Munky says - Yeah, sorry about that Alan. I meant ‘The Sunset Strip’, a fascinating place and no mistake.
- Alan at the press conference, shortly after his release…