Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
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This week Munky is listening to...
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Bouts of Extreme Exaggeration.
Mark from Leeds asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my stunningly attractive new girlfriend (pictured) is prone to bouts of extreme exaggeration. What can I do?
Unkle Munky says - Jeezus! Ahem. It would appear to me that she is not the only person in this realationship who is prone to bouts of extreme exaggeration!
Barry from Bathgate asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently discovered a tattoo of another girls name on my partners left tit. Do you think she might have been a lesbian in a previous sex life?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Barry, we should not allow ourselves to get too excited about this horny development. There could be any number of reasons as to why your girlfriend’s left tit bears the name of another lady. I, for instance, have the name ‘Wayne’ tattooed on my bum.
- Note to self - Change picture. Wrong kind of tattoo and no mistake.
Ref. Bum Tattoo?
Dear Unkle Munky, your unusual bum tattoo has always intrigued me. I have, until now, always been a little too embarrassed to broach the subject. As you have eluded to the topic yourself, I was wondering is you might enlighten me with regards to its history. Was it perhaps a drunken prank?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Bumton, as the world’s leading agony primate I pride myself on both honesty and openness. You must never feel embarrassed about broaching these delicate issues. I can confirm that my unfortunate tattoo was not the result of drunken shenanigans but rather the result of an oversight on my part. I was only fifteen when I got my tattoo. As a result of my tender years I was forced to produce identification before the artist would carry out my cheeky request. My friend, Wayne, swiftly borrowed me his driving licence and the rest, as they say, is history.
Ms. Bumton replies - Oh fer fuck’s sake.
Rupert the Bear Explains...
Joe from Surrey asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am going to Glastonbury this weekend and was wondering how I might start a camp fire.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Joe, as Britain’s leading agony primate it is my duty to offer counsel without discrimination. I cannot help but feel slightly uncomfortable with the politically incorrect tone of your query, but this aside, I shall do my best to answer you. Starting a camp fire is very similar to starting any other kind of fire. The only difference that I can ascertain from my ‘Rupert the Bear explains…’ annual is that camp fires are generally ignited via matches that are struck in a limp-wristed fashion. Verbally acknowledging the size of your glowing log might also help with the aforementioned endeavour. Have a good time.
Short term memory man.
Jason from Hull says - Dear Unkle Munky, I just remembered what my problem was!
Unkle Munky replies - Dear Jason, that’s great news. Would you like to share it with me?
Jason says - No, not really. I’d only forget your wise words anyway.
Unkle Munky replies - Well I guess that’s true. I am intrigued as to what your problem could be though.
A musical interlude whilst Munky contemplates the two cat owners who did not express a preference.
Munky's Spirit Guide.
Tracey from Crewe asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently left a recorded query on your premium rate ‘Psychic Helpline’. I have yet to receive any news and was wondering if I could have my money back?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Tracey, channelling the spirits of the dead through the primitive brain of a munky is not an easy task for anyone. My personal guide is also a very busy corpse who is currently booked to play dead at over three thousand venues worldwide. With this in mind, you must appreciate that any messages received from the ‘other side’ may take a little time to reach my desk. I have fast-tracked your query, however, and can happily inform you that the hairbrush is behind your late gran’s wardrobe.
Tell me Unkle Munky, how long have you had a spirit guide? This is the first I have heard about it.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Bumton, I do not like to talk about my spiritual abilities as it tends to attract crackpots. I have had a spirit guide for many years. I have, however, only recently started to use my gift for the good of mankind. Elvis has agreed to assist me with regards to my struggling column and will, between concerts, use me to channel useful and informative information to my readers. And now, if you do not mind, I have a cape to sequin. Good day!
Ms. Bumton replies - I’m so glad I’m leaving soon.
Russell from Southampton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that eating sausage rolls might become an Olympic event? I enjoy a nice sausage roll and feel that I could, quite easily, win a gold for Britain in the London 2012 Olympics.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Russell, I have consulted my Starsky and Hutch book of Olympic facts and can find no mention of the aforementioned sausage roll event. Starsky does, however, elude to negotiations currently ongoing with regards to a ‘Forward roll’ event. I hope this helps. And now, if you do not mind, I have pencil sharpening practice. Good day!
Tina Turner Tells a Tall Tale.
Unkle Munky says - Wow. Thanks Tina.
Ms. Bumton (Munky’s assistant) says - Give me strength.
Ref. Early finish/Daylight allergy.
Dear Unkle Munky, I require an early finish today as I have an exciting Spice Girls press meeting to attend. Tomorrow, Friday, will be my final day. Mary Motion Sickness will start on Monday morning and has reminded me to inform you of her aversion to natural daylight. I shall return tomorrow for my last full day.
Unkle Munky says - Well that’s just great! I shall be on my own for the Saturday shift according to your dipsy arrangements! Agony doesn’t cease to exist because the Spice Girls are getting back together (if anything it gets worse). This aside, I wish you well. I am leaving in a few minutes too. I need to purchase black roller blinds for that weirdo you’ve landed me with. My Space Hopper is in the car park if you fancy a lift?
Ms. Bumton replies - Oh no need for that Munky. I have a limo picking me up. Speaking of Ms. Motion Sickness, this would seem like an ideal time to submit her latest interview.
Unkle Munky says - If we must.
The Unkle Munky Entertainment Spot.
Earlier this week our insensitive Entertainment Reporter, Ms. Mary Motion Sickness, met up with Uri Gellar for a yoghurt and a chat…
Mary - Hello Uri Gellar, lovely to meet you. Please, take a seat.
Uri Gellar - Thank you, but if you don’t mind I’ll levitate.
Mary - Whatever. Freak!
Uri Gellar - Sorry?
Mary - I said, do you what you like. Just don‘t expect me to hover, not with my breasts!
Uri Gellar - Yes, you do have quite a set there. Perhaps I could perform a little psychic breast reduction on them for you?
Mary - You’ll do no such thing, you creepy fucking pervert!
Uri Gellar - Ahem.
Mary - So anyway, your dick?
Uri Gellar - Excuse me?
Mary - Your penis? It must be twisted out of all recognition by now?
Uri Gellar - I’m sorry, I don’t understand?
Mary - Surely your bending powers extend to the twitching rod of steel that my buxom breast have induced within the constricted void of your tight fitting Wranglers? It must be frustrating to possess these useless bending abilities when all you want to do is have a wank?
Uri Gellar - You fuc*ing good for nothing, piece of gothic…
Mary - Security!
Mary - So there you have it Unkle Munky. Uri Gellar, an irritating psychic fornicator with special spoon bending powers that must have Superman shitting kryptonite!
- Mary Motion Sickness for Unkle Munky and no mistake.
Ref. Uri Gellar interview.
Unkle Munky says - Jeezus! Perhaps tying her down to the office for a while might be a good thing?
Ms. Bumton adds - A word of advice Unkle Munky, be wary of how you phrase things. She is heavilly into bondage and no mistake.
Unkle Munky replies - Oh bollocks! That Uri fucker has stopped my digital watch!
Josie from Layton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, Will you be presenting a maternity leaving present to your glamorous assistant, Ms. Bumton?
Unkle Munky says - Glamorous? She looks more like a beached whale of late. To be quite frank, I’ll be glad when she’s dropped the sprog and no mistake. It is indeed Ms. Bumton’s final day today. I cannot deny that my heart is heavier than usual. She has been a major asset to me. I seriously believe that I would not have achieved seventeenth place (eighteenth according to that uncle badger twat) in the Pantene pro V agony awards without her. I will definitely miss her feminine ways. Like how she applies makeup whilst dealing with serious issues of an agonising nature, and the way she gets excited when Rimmel London announce a new shade of lipstick. I will miss the way her nose scrunch’s up when she laughs and how her hair shimmers beneath the dissected rays of sunlight that cascade through the Venetian blinds next to her desk. Yes, I shall miss her terribly. She has great tits and a firm shapely arse. As to your query: I have, this morning, presented Ms. Bumton with a framed photograph of my good self and a banana. She was, as you would expect, quite speechless and no mistake.
Ms. Bumton adds - Dear Unkle Munky, I have come to appreciate that, as a munky, you are quite within your rights to flout the gross indecency laws that the rest of us strictly adhere to. That said, I cannot possibly display your photograph in my home as, in it, you appear to be supporting a semi! This is just the kind of behaviour that I have come to expect and no mistake! I can only hope that my temporary replacement, Ms. Mary Motion Sickness, will whip you into some kind of order before my eventual return. This aside, I do appreciate the gesture and will remember my time here with a fondness not dissimilar to that of being violently sick after a fun night out with friends.
A musical interlude whilst Munky plays a Bumton related montage in his head…
Ian from York asks - Dear Unkle Munky, How do you think the recent changes at number ten will affect Britain’s relationship with America?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ian, I have contacted, Bungle, my newly appointed political advisor, and have been left in little doubt that no change will occur with regards Mr. Blair’s recent resignation.
- Bungle Bear. Political Advisor to a Munky.
Dear Ms. Bumton, As this is your last day, and as agony is seemingly thin on the ground, I was wondering if you fancied another early finish and a pint or two (orange juice for you of course) at the pub around the corner?
Ms. Bumton replies - Dear Unkle Munky, That is a most generous gesture and no mistake. Oh, we haven’t uploaded the ‘Final Word’ feature?
Unkle Munky says - You just leave that to me Ms. Bumton. I’ll meet you in the car park shortly.
Ms. Bumton says - Okay Munky…
The Final Word.
This week’s final word goes to Ms. Emma Bumton from The Spice Girls.