Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
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This week Munky is perving over...
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Dear Ms. Bumton, the heading above this week’s music feature is meant to say ‘This week Munky is listening to…’ I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making suggestive alterations to my intended text. I have not been ‘perving’, I have merely been appreciating the overall aesthetic of Princess Superstar’s groundbreaking promotional video. And now, if you do not mind, I have a gym application form to fill in. Good day!
Ms. Bumton says - Dear Unkle Munky, you spent approx four days and three nights ‘appreciating the overall aesthetic’ of this week’s music video! No wonder your eyesight is fucked.
In search of clit.
Len from Balmore asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my girlfriend keeps asking me to stimulate her clitoris during sex. The trouble is, I have no idea where it is?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Len, have you checked behind the cushions on your sofa?
Len replies - Oh fer fucks sake! Why don’t you just admit that your knowledge regarding the female form is, at best, limited. How the fuck you got your own agony column is, to be quite frank, both beyond my good self and my sexually frustrated partner!
Unkle Munky replies - Dear Len, I would appreciate it if you would speak to me in a more respectful manner. I have contacted my female assistant, Ms. Bumton, about the mysterious body part and she informs me that it is somewhat reminiscent of a garden pea. With this in mind, I would suggest you calm down a little and take stock of the produce currently residing in your fridge freezer. And now, if you do not mind, I have hastily prepared anatomical diagrams to study. Good day!
Alan from Dorset asks - Dear Unkle Munky, as a hobby I like to weigh old age pensioners. Regrettably, a vast majority of the aforementioned demographic seem reticent to indulge my unique pastime. Some have even contacted the local authorities with regards to my innocent requests. With this in mind, I was wondering if you could suggest an alternative hobby that might incorporate my weighty passion?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Alan, weighing old people for pleasure has fallen out of favour with many UK residents of late. I believe that a white paper suggesting a blanket ban on the aforementioned practice has also been circulated amongst members of parliament recently. I would, on this occasion, suggest that you switch your allegiance to canines. A docile breed, such as the Labrador or Poodle will provide hours of innocent fun for the contemporary weighing enthusiast.
Ms. Bumton (Munky’s assistant) says - What the fu..? This is possibly your most ridiculous feature to date Unkle Munky! Everybody knows that three times seven is twenty-one. How this relates to agony is, to be quite frank, beyond both my good self and my increasingly active foetus!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Bumton, when I want your hormonal advice I shall ask for it! As I am the world’s leading agony primate, however, I would not expect this to be any time soon. And for your information, back in 1975 three multiplied by seven DID equal twenty-two! You must remember that calculators were still in their infancy back then.
Ms. Bumton adds - Whatever.
Gill from Southampton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, last night I discovered my husband attempting to fashion an origami swan behind my back as we made love. His behaviour has left me questioning our relationship and no mistake.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Gill, the Japanese art of paper folding has become more popular than ever of late. Though I sympathise with your worries, I have no option but to recommend that you take a supportive role with regards to this matter. Your disappointment is only to be expected at this early stage. The swan is a basic origami favourite and, as such, is generally practiced by novices. Given time and encouragement I am sure that your husband will be creating all kinds of wonderful paper animals.
Gill replies - Oh fer fuck’s sake! It’s not the poxy swan I’m complaining about! It’s the fact that he is practising origami at the same time as having sex! Forget it Munky! I’ll write to Uncle Badger instead! He knows far more about sexually related paper folding concerns than you do!
Unkle Munky says - I think you’ll find that Uncle Badger knows fuck all about origami. I, on the other hand, am quite adept at the aforementioned pastime. Here, for instance, is something I created whilst masturbating furiously over doctored images of the Minogue sisters. Good day!
A musical interlude whilst Munky attends to an intimate paper cut…
Ref. Clitoris Hunt.
Unkle Munky says - …So is the clitoris green Ms. Bumton?
Ms. Bumton (Munky’s assistant) says - Oh fer God’s sake! Are you still going on about this? My previous remark was referring to the general shape and size of the clitoris, not the fuckin’ colour! Of course it’s not green! Jeezus, call yourself an agony munky!?
Ms. Bumton (Munky’s assistant) says - Dear Unkle Munky, we have received a complaint from a young lady named Kate who lives in Rochdale. Apparently you contacted her privately with regards to a hay fever query? I have checked my medical journal and can find no mention of the oral treatment that you prescribed. Are you absolutely positive that your penis secretes the relative antihistamines required to alleviate said condition?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Bumton, I am convinced that my penis does indeed secrete the aforementioned anti-inflammatory agents. I have more than enough to go around and was merely offering to help Kate with her seasonal condition.
Ms. Bumton adds - Well in that case you won’t mind if my cousin John pops around for a dose. He suffers from hay fever something terrible and no mistake Unkle Munky. I shall contact Kate and inform her that your previous correspondence was entirely innocent, and possibly even humane.
Unkle Munky says - Oh bollocks!
Short term memory...
Jason from Hull asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I suffer from short-term memory loss. As a result of my condition I am unable to seek guidance with regards to a problem that has plagued me since birth. Please help.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Jason, we must be very patient with regards to your memory issues. I am sure that the problem of which you speak will come to light in due course. I pride myself on always being there for those in need of help and guidence. I can be contacted at anytime, day or night. I am a very tolerant primate and very rarely get ruffled.
Jason replies - Thank you Unkle Munky. I thought I had it then, but it disappeared like a thingy in the night.
Unkle Munky says - A thief?
Jason says - What?
Unkle Munky says - A thief in the night?
Jason replies - Who is?
Unkle Munky says - Oh fer fuck’s sake! Just contact me when you have recalled your original query.
Jason says - Query? What query?
Dear Unkle Munky, it is with no regret whatsoever that I herby submit my maternity leave notice. As you are aware, I am due to give birth in approximately one months time. With this in mind I have decided, as of Monday July 2nd, to temporarily take leave of my position here at Munky HQ. I will not, as you previously suggested, be back within a few days of ‘dropping my sprog’! I shall take as long as I need and may even fit in a Spice Girls reunion tour before returning. I have contacted our entertainment reporter, Ms. Motion Sickness, and she will cover my duties from the date previously mentioned. I would like to say that it has been a pleasure working for you, but to be quite frank, it hasn’t. Your attempts to ride me home earlier this week, after having mistaken me for a space hopper was positively the last straw and no mistake! And now, if you do not mind, I have a pout to practice… Oh no, that was posh’s job wasn’t it?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Bumton, thank you for at least giving me a little notice with regards to Mary’s impending arrival. That woman gives me the willies and no mistake. There is actually a possibility that I will miss you, and I would like to make it clear that there will always be a sexual position for you here at Munky HQ. I wish you well with the forthcoming reunion tour (and the sprog). And now, if you do not mind, I have clandestine manly tears to shed in the toilets. Good day!
Ms. Bumton replies, ’sexual position?’
Unkle Munky says - Oh, I do apologise Ms. Bumton. A fraudulent slip I’m afraid. Ahem.
Ms. Bumton adds - Do you mean a ‘Freudian’ slip?
Unkle Munky says - Is that a sexual position?
Ms. Bumton says - Oh fer fuck’s sake! Just go to the toilet!
A musical interlude whilst Munky attends to an intimate paper cut…
The Final Word.
This week’s final word goes to H from 'Steps’.
Unkle Munky asks - Dear Ms. Bumton, why has H from Steps decided to pose naked for this feature?
Ms. Bumton replies - Dear Unkle Munky, H from Steps is merely expressing his newfound freedom. Having repressed his sexuality behind the masculine guise of the aforementioned pop outfit, he is now, finally, in a position to shout out loud; ‘I am gay, and I am proud’. This is indeed a beautiful moment Unkle Munky, and I for one am proud to have been a part of this inspiring feature.
Unkle Munky says - Jeezus. You got all that from an arse?
…So does ‘H’ stand for ‘Homosexual’ then?
Ms. Bumton replies - Oh fer fuck’s sake! Do you have to ruin everything!?