Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
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This week Munky is listening to...
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Munky's New Consumer Expert.
Jamie from Newcastle upon Tyne asks - Dear Unkle Munky, did you forward my retail query onto your newly appointed consumer correspondent, Ms. Rogue Minogue?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Jamie, I did indeed pass on your troublesome query to my newly appointed consumer expert…
Sarah from Derby asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I cannot help but notice that you surround yourself with female staff. Are you not concerned that this could be misconstrued as an act of sexual discrimination?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Sarah, I could not agree more. It seems amazing to me that I have yet to receive sexual favours from my staff. If they continue to discriminate against me in this way I might be forced to lodge a complaint with Anne Summers! And now, if you do not mind, I have inconsequential information to correlate with regards to a new pie chart venture. Good day!
Ref. Consumer Correspondent.
Oi, cretin! How long have we had a consumer correspondent? Why was I not briefed about this worrying development? I could have easily filled this position as I love shopping and no mistake. Rogue Minogue knows nothing about retail law and will doubtless cause more problems than she solves!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Bumton, I am only too aware that you love shopping but could not have risked the prospect of you spending my petty cash on items purporting to be ‘research’. Ms. Rogue Minogue, contrary to popular belief, is more than adequately qualified for the position. She has an O-Level in Argos, a diploma in Wallmart and a rather impressively photocopied ‘Employee of the month’ Certificate from Tesco Extra! Now please stop whingeing and get on with some pretend shorthand whilst I contemplate fish fingers, Captain Birdseye and other questionable sea related produce. Good day!
Unkle Munky’s Irrelative Pie Chart. #01
Dear Unkle Munky, what the fuck is that pie chart business all about?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Bumton, my poor showing at the recent ‘Pantene Pro V Agony awards’ has done little for my social standing. It is imperative that I top a few polls. With this in mind I have successfully formed, in association with Branston Pickle, the ‘Irrelative Pie Chart company.’
Ms. Bumton adds - What the fu..?
Mandy from Swansea asks, Dear Unkle Munky, I am going out on a hot date tonight and was wondering if you could recommend any cheaper alternatives to the rather expensive fake tanning lotions currently available on the market?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Mandy, I have spent the morning smearing assorted products onto the arse of my assistant, Ms. Bumton. This scientific procedure has led me to the conclusion that there are no real alternatives to the fake tanning lotions of which you speak.
Ms. Bumton adds - Dear Unkle Munky, the Marmite that you earlier applied to my arse is attracting a multitude of insects and no mistake. Why you had to experiment on such a sensitive area is, to be quite frank, beyond me!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Bumton, my earlier trials required that said alternatives be applied to places void of other tanning products. Your arse, being the only chemical-free area on your body, was therefore ripe for my impromptu tanning experiment. I would recommend, on this occasion, that you simply spray your rear with an insect repellent. May I suggest that you purchase two or three cans of said repellent? Your arse, after all, is really quite expansive.
A brief musical interlude whilst Munky swats Ms. Bumton’s arse…
Rupert the Bear Explains...
Lee from Knutton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, did you receive my letter marked ‘Urgent and no mistake’?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Lee, I did indeed receive the aforementioned correspondence. I would have answered far earlier had I not been embroiled in an intricate shoelace tying prank. As to your query: I have consulted my ‘Rupert the Bear Explains… annual,’ and can confirm that the human body will often compensate for the loss of one sense by gradually enhancing another. A blind person, for instance, might acquire a heightened sense of hearing. I must at this stage inform you, however, that your current state of impotence will not be remedied by simply chopping off a finger. And now, if you do not mind, I have an assistant to untie. Good day!
Dying to tell ya...
This week’s ‘Dying to tell ya‘ comes from Queen Elizabeth the 2nd.
What are you ‘Dying to tell us’ this week Queen Elizabeth the 2nd?
One is eighty-one you know?
Unkle Munky says - That’s just great. Thanks Elizabeth.
Warren from Stevenage asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that the Russians are planning to put a horse on the moon? I suspect that my mate is pulling my plonker again and no mistake!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Warren, I have spoken to the International Ministry of Space and can confirm that the Russians are indeed planning an equestrian related moon mission. I can also confirm that engineers working for the American space agency, Nasa, have already fitted a tow-bar and horsebox to their space shuttle, ‘Endeavour’
Incidentally, my own attempts to put a toaster on the moon are still ongoing.
Dear Unkle Munky, is that our toaster I saw in the car park this morning?
Unkle Munky says - Ahem. Yes Ms. Bumton. My preliminary toaster launching trials are not going quite as well as previously anticipated. Perhaps an alternative to the catapult technique is required after all. I find it hard to believe that your bra is not up to the job?
A brief musical interlude whilst Munky fixes the toaster…
There, that should do it.
The Final Word.
This week’s final word goes to Ms. Britney Spears…
Unkle Munky says - You’re welcome Ms. Spears.