Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."

Ask unkle munky

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A Technical Query.

Simon from Southport asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I sometimes get the following message when trying to access your crap column: ‘Your security settings do not allow websites to use ActiveX controls installed on your computer.’ How can I rectify this issue Munky?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Simon, it would appear to me that your ‘Internet Beverage Settings’ are too high. I would therefore recommend that you follow these simply instructions -

Open Internet Explorer.

Click on ‘Tools’

Click on ‘Internet Options’

Click ‘Privacy’

Lower the slider on the left hand side until it is indicating ‘Tea’.

Click ‘Apply’

Simon replies - Dear Unkle Munky, you must be using the old ‘Windows PG’ operating system. My computer does not appear to offer the aforementioned beverage settings.

Coffee or tea1

Unkle Munky says - Just lower the slider Simon.

Becky from Lothian asks - Dear Unkle Munky, did you receive my mail marked ‘Urgent’? I am at my wits end and no mistake.

Unkle Munky says - Dear Becky, I believe that the quarter finals take place this Wednesday? Though your oversight is regrettable, it is not the end of the world. I have instructed my assistant, Ms. Bumton, to have your instrument sent to you via recorded mail. Please do not worry, I am sure that the air-guitar will reach you in time.


From munky

Ref. Air Guitar.

Dear Ms. Bumton, could you please confirm that Becky’s air-guitar has been adequately packaged and posted to Brighton?

'Ms. Bumton (Munky’s assistant) says - Dear Unkle Munky, I can confirm that the aforementioned instrument has been sent to Brighton via the ‘International Magpie Courier Service’. I hope this meets with your approval? And now, if you do not mind, I have a dance routine to study. Good day!

Unkle Munky says - Oh fer fucks sake! How many times must I tell you not to use those useless Magpies!?

The Magpie Courier Service.


Lisa from Dundee asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am meeting a nice Frenchman for a blind date on Thursday and was wondering what to expect with regards to the positioning of his flies?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Lisa, it would appear to me that you are confusing Y-Front fly access with foreign driving etiquette. I have studied the French highway code quite thoroughly and can find no mention of pants. I hope this helps. And now, if you do not mind, I have a consumer complaint to make with regards to discoloured cornflakes. Good day!


Rogue Minogue.

Anthony from Ludlow asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently won a competition to meet my idol, Ms. Kylie Minogue! Due to a very hectic timetable, however, I will only be allowed to ask her one question. With this in mind, what do you think that one question should be?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Anthony, how exciting! Congratulations on winning the aforementioned competition. With regards to your query: I am hoping to buy a new tumble dryer shortly and would therefore ask Kylie if perhaps an extended warranty might be advisable with regards to said purchase. I hope this helps. And now, if you do not mind, I have exasperated squirrels to release. Good day!


From ms bumton2

Ref. Rogue Minogue

Dear Unkle Idiot, I cannot help but wonder if both Anthony and yourself have been duped by a rogue Minogue?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Bumton, suggesting that Ms. Minogue is a rogue strikes me as both despicable and rude. I understand that tensions between yourself and the pop princess might be a little strained, but I must insist that you keep these unwarranted misgivings to yourself. Your own solo career may have faltered, but that is no reason to besmirch the career of an internationally renowned female singing artist. And now, if you do not mind, I have hot-pants to bid on. Good day!

Ms. Bumton adds - Jeezus, I give up.

An Out of Body Experience...

Out of body

Danny from Glamorgan asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it normal for girls to have out of body experiences during sexual intercourse?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Danny, the aforementioned phenomenon of which you speak is rare, but not unheard of. I myself once dated a young lady whose ‘out of body’ experiences were so intense that she could actually go shopping whilst I was shagging her! Disgraceful behaviour and no mistake!

Ms. Bumton (Munky’s assistant) adds - I don’t know about ‘out of body’, she must have been out of her bloody mind to give you access to her knickers.

Unkle Munky replies - Dear Ms. Bumton, I do not pay you to make insensitive remarks with regards to my wise counsel. Please keep your comments to yourself and get on with some fictitious data entry!

PS. Why have you uploaded a picture of Buddha for this feature?

Ms. Bumton says - Ahem. I thought the feature was called ‘An Out of Buddha Experience.’

Oh fer fucks sake!

All over

Gary from Wilkishire asks - Dear Unkle Munky, when we beat the Germans in World War Two, who kept the bomb?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Gary, I cannot help but feel that you are confusing the aforementioned war with the 1966 world cup championships. My assistant, Ms. Bumton, is insistent that I remind both yourself and my other reader that there are no winners in war, only losers. She would say that though, she’s a girl.



Ian from Cornwall asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently discovered a ten inch dildo beneath my girlfriend’s bed. It has made me feel somewhat inadequate and no mistake. What can I do?

Unkle Munky says - Dear Ian, simply purchasing a larger dildo will put an end to these feelings of deficiency.

Ian replies - What the fuc…? You really are shit at this agony business and no mistake! I shall take my problem to Uncle Badger, he is far more attuned to the sensitive subject of sexual inadequacy!

Unkle Munky says - Well that’s hardly surprising, given the miniscule dimensions of his cock!

From munky

Ref. Previous Post.

Dear Ms. Bumton, could you please explain as to why you chose to attach a picture of a munky to the previous agonising post?

Ms. Bumton (Munky’s assistant) says - Oh, it was the biggest dildo I could find.


The Final Word.

This week's final word goes to Ms. Paris Hilton, who spoke to us whilst having her ‘mug shot’ taken at the Century Regional Detention Centre in Lynwood, California.

Mug shot

Unkle Munky says - Oh fer fuck’s sake!

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