Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
- Munky is also available here...
This week Munky is tipping...
- Click here to play...
Ms. Bumton (Munky’s assistant) says - How refreshing to see you supporting the older generation Munky. This is most encouraging and no mistake.
Unkle Munky replies - Thank you Ms. Bumton. I like to do my bit with regards to supporting our OAP’s. Speaking of which, have you obtained clearance for my Tina Turner feature yet? Or is the old bag still hanging out for more money?
Ms. Bumton adds - You have to ruin everything don’t you! Ms. Turner’s lawyers have given us the go-ahead with regards to your shit new feature. They must be mad.
Unkle Munky says - Thanks Tina. That was most interesting.
Ms. Bumton adds - What the fu…?
Natalie from Bute asks - Dear Unkle Munky, what gives the sky its bluish hue?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Natalie, I can only assume that said skies are a pigment of your imagination. They look as grey as fcuk from where I’m sitting.
Jason from Surrey asks - Dear Unkle Munky, did you receive my email regarding the poltergeist activity that has been taking place in my kitchen? I really am at my wits end and no mistake! Perhaps TV’s ‘Most Haunted’ team might investigate said phenomenon?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Jason, I have consulted my ‘Rupert Explains… book (Published by Ladybird 1984)’ and can confirm that your treacle pudding is NOT possessed. The rotation of the aforementioned pudding is integral to the mechanics of microwave cooking. I can also confirm that your toast is NOT attempting to levitate and that it is meant to eject from the toaster via automatic means. Neither of these occurrences warrant the services of TV’s ‘Most Haunted’ team. Yvette Fielding and Derek Acorah already have numerous naturally occurring light peculiarities to investigate, not to mention terrifying dust particle anomalies!
Jason replies - But what about the mist emanating from my kettle Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Oh fer fuck’s sake! I bet Uncle Badger doesn’t get this kind of crap!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Bumton, I read a rumour at the weekend regarding the reforming of your girl group, The Spice Girls. I realise that you may shortly require a few hours maternity leave, but I cannot be expected to hold your position open whilst you tour the world in big shoes and small dresses. I would appreciate a little information regarding your future plans. Having to rely upon a tacky Sunday newspaper to inform me of issues that might well affect my failing agony column is not at all agreeable and no mistake.
Ms. Bumton (Munky’s assistant) replies - Dear Unkle Munky, I will certainly be requiring maternity leave and have already informed you that this could stretch into months, NOT days, and certainly NOT hours! Your somewhat irregular security procedures have doubtless produced a negative affect with regards to securing a temporary replacement. I was somewhat naive in assuming that your nipple recognition machine was internationally accredited and would never have removed my blouse and bra had I known otherwise! I can confirm, incidentally, that I have recently discussed my imminent departure with our entertainment reporter, Ms. Mary Motion Sickness. She has indicated an interest in the position and is even willing to have her tits photographed. Apparently, she is saving up for some kind of harness contraption and is desperate for the cash. I hope this helps. And now, if you do not mind, I have songs to rehearse and folic acid to consume. Good day!
Unkle Munky says - Oh shit. Not Mary!? She scares the crap out of me and no mistake. Where is she anyway? I haven’t had an entertainment report from her in weeks!
Ms. Bumton replies - Oh, sorry Munky. She faxed one through on the interplanetary web-based cyberspace machine yesterday. Apparently she has interviewed her idol, Mr. Justin Timberlake. It is quite a scoop and no mistake.
Unkle Munky says - Justin Timberlake? He’s not a goth! Jeezus. Please upload said pile of shit at your earliest possible convenience.
Mary Motion Sickness...
Earlier this week our insensitive Entertainment Reporter, Ms. Mary Motion Sickness, met up with Justin Timberlake for a drool and a chat…
Mary - Hello Justin, lovely to touch you. Please, take my lap.
Justin - Your lap?
Mary - Yes, there‘s only one seat. I could sit on your lap if you like?
Justin - Ahem, no it’s fine. I’ll just sit on the floor.
Mary - Oh, okay. Can you see my beaver from down there?
Justin - I’m sorry?
Mary - My beaver, my lady lawn, my enchanted forest, my cock magnet. Can you see it? I left my knickers off especially.
Justin - Jeezus!
Mary - Don’t be shy Justin. You must be use to this kind of thing by now. Shall I get my norks out?
Justin - Excuse me?
Mary - My norks, my lady lumps, my breasticles, my fun pillows, my tits! Shall I get them out for you?
Justin - No! No, please just start the interview. I don’t have much time.
Mary - Interview?
Justin - Yes. You’re meant to be asking me about my new CD and upcoming tour.
Mary - Oh fuck that. I just need a shag. Can you see my beaver better if I do this…
Justin - Security!
Mary - So there you have it Unkle Munky. Justin Timberlake, definitely gay and no mistake.
*Mary Motion Sickness for Unkle Munky and no mistake.
Ref. Timberlake interview.
Unkle Munky says - That woman is a disgrace!
Ms. Bumton adds - Wow, I feel as if my eyes have been opened to the real Justin Timberlake. What a fantastic asset Ms. Motion Sickness is to your crappy column Unkle Munky.
Unkle Munky replies - Just keep your offensive opinions to yourself and get on with some pretend typing Ms. Bumton!
Carla from Bury asks - Dear Unkle Munky, the letter ( ) on my computer isn’t working. What can I do?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Carla, simply avoiding words that contain the mysterious letter will solve your problem in an instance.
Carla replies - ucking useless! I’ll write to Uncle Badger instead. His no-nonsense approach to agonising is way superior to the bollocks that you come out with! Good day!
Unkle Munky says - Please your ucking sel . Oh bollocks, you seem to have in ected me!
Pantene Pro V Agony Awards.
Dear Unkle Munky, you have been very quiet with regards to the Pantene Pro V agony awards of 2007. Is it true that you came joint seventeenth with a ferret named Cyril who specialises in body odour?
Unkle Munky says - Dear James, my poor showing at the aforementioned agony evening is more than likely related to a simple computer error. I can only assume that the organisers were not using a Sinclair ZX81 to correlate their data. I feel that further discussion regarding this subject might compromise my position with regards to future sponsorship deals. With this in mind I would request that the subject be laid to rest.
P.S. Rumours linking my fist to the badger’s black eye are complete fart fodder. The badger has always had a black eye! And now, if you do not mind, I have free radicals to ensnare. Good day!
Ref. Pantene Agony Award Results.
Dear Unkle Munky, here is the official Pantene Pro V agony awards top ten for 2007. You are not even featured!
Pantene Agony Award results, 2007.
01st - Claire Rayner. Britain’s favourite agony aunt. General advice.
02nd - Uncle Badger. Badger Me Do. Sound advice regarding issues of a pestering nature.
03rd - Cheryl Baker. Fucks Bizz. Sexual counsel for ex-Eurovision song contest winners.
04th - Pete Doherty. For Pete’s Sake. Readers are invited to give Pete advice.
05th - Britney Spears. Tears for Spears. Hair issues.
06th - Mick Hucknell. Simply Blue. Depression related advice for gingers.
07th - Phil Spector. Tales of the unexspectored. Dubious legal guidance for men with problematic hair.
08th - Bruce Springsteen. Porn in the USA. Your porn collections discussed in detail.
09th - Morrissey. Heaven knows I‘m miserable now. Support for manic depressives.
10th - Johnny Marred. Coping with Morrissey. Guidance for acquaintances of Morrissey.
Unkle Munky says - Oh fer fuck’s sake Bumton! I said I didn’t want to discuss this matter any further!
A musical interlude whilst Munky regains his composure…
The Final Word...
This week’s final word goes to Uncle Badger, runner up at this year’s Pantene Pro V agony awards ceremony.
I give up…