Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
- Munky is also available here...
This week Munky is tipping...
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Unkle Munky says - Check it out Bumton! UnkleJam spell ‘Unkle’ like I do.
Ms. Bumton (Munky’s assistant) replies - Dear Unkle Munky, Unklejam may misspell in the same way that you do but, judging from their video, it would appear that the similarity ends there! After all, they seem quite talented.
Livin' in a Box.
Susan from Liverpool asks - Dear Unkle Munky, what is the best way to deal with an unruly child? I am sitting for my sister on Friday night and her ten year old son is a right shit.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Susan, the abruptness of your query leads me to believe that the gene inherent in most females with regards to inducing a motherly instinct has, in your case, been left in the ‘off’ position. As genetic manipulation is still in its infancy, I would suggest that you simply place the child in a box for the evening. And now, if you do not mind, I have chewing gum to remove from Ms. Bumton’s arse.
Ref. Politically incorrect advice.
Dear Unkle Munky, I must raise issue with regards to the previous agoniser. Suggesting that Susan of Liverpool place her sister’s child in a box for the evening is, to be quite frank, both offensive and despicable! It would appear to me that the gene inherent in most munkys with regards to common sense has, in your case, been left to rust in the ‘off’ position! I have taken the liberty of emailing Susan and have duly counselled her on this delicate matter. P.S. Whilst I have your attention, may I please request that you refrain from putting your fuckin’ chewing gum on the toilet seat!!
Unkle Munky replies - Dear Ms. Bumton, I can only assume that my child minding techniques are a little rusty and have since telephoned Susan with a formal apology. Your advice to put the irritant on Ebay has been followed to the letter and bids are already up to £1.50. With regards to my chewing gum anomaly: It is a known fact that munkys cannot chew and crap at the same time! I would appreciate a little leeway with regards to this tragic disorder!
A musical interlude whilst Munky goes for a wee…
Ian from Derby asks - Dear Unkle Munky, did you receive my mail marked ‘Urgent’?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Dave, I did indeed receive the aforementioned mail. I would have replied far earlier had I not been embroiled in a sugar lump dissolving contest with my legal advisor, Ms. Bumton. Even though I have witnessed it with my own eyes, I still find it hard to believe that said cubes dissolve quicker in wee than they do water. As to your query: I have taken the liberty of highlighting the offending lead, and would suggest that you replace it at your earliest possible convenience. I am sure that your Samsung CD Player will work perfectly well after following my technical counsel. And now, if you do not mind, I have urine to mop. Good day!
Ref. Musical Interlude.
Dear Ms. Bumton, was there really any need to advertise my earlier toilet break? I feel cheapened and degraded by your impromptu actions and no mistake.
Ms. Bumton replies - Dear Unkle Munky, I am merely following your instructions with regards to being more thorough in my duties here at Munky HQ. After all, it is imperative that we win the Pantene Pro V agony award of 2007. You might be interested to note, incidentally, that an agony Badger by the name of Barry has knocked you from fifth to sixth place on the current leader board.
Unkle Munky says - What the fcuk is the world coming to? An agony badger!? How ridiculous.
Munky at Glastonbury.
Kirsty from Spey Bay asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am going to Glastonbury in the summer and was wondering if you had any tips with regards to getting a good view of my favourite bands?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Kirsty, taking a pair of binoculars to said event will increase your enjoyment immensely. If money is tight you can always fashion your own pair from two toilet rolls, a piece of string and some cling film. Self expression is a big part of the Glastonbury ethos so you may wish to add some personal touches to your visual aids. As you can see, I have gone for a trendy camouflage design. You, being a girl, will no doubt opt for pinks and lilacs. Very pretty, I am sure, but downright dangerous in an armed combat situation.
- Note. Remember, looking through your diy binoculars from the wrong end will make everything appear further away. This can be useful when watching bands such as… McFly or Westlife.
On This Day in History.
It was on this very day history that sheep sheerer, Mr. Colin Wilson, of Dudley was finally arrested for giving sheep the length and breadth of Britain ‘really daft haircuts’. “I remember it as if it were yesterday,” said PC Der Der recently in an interview for ‘My first felony’ magazine. “I was parked in a lay-by enjoying a turnip and listening to ‘Karma Chameleon’ by Culture Club, when all of a sudden in my rear view mirror I spotted a group of sheep all supporting a 1980’s style flat-top haircut. I knew instinctively that something was amiss as the flat-top hairstyle had, at that time, been out of fashion for approximately twenty years”. Asked if he had prior experience of dealing with unfashionable sheep, PC. Der Der replied, “Well, to be quite frank, no. But someone had to take the bull by the horns…?” Tracing the assailant proved far more difficult than anyone had anticipated, and it was not until a tip off in the late summer of 1991 that any real progress was made. “I think we all knew that the information was reliable when the accused refused us entry to his property. You get a nose for this kind of thing and in due time my hunch paid off. Of course, his tightly permed hair and crude woollen sideburns were also influential with regards to the arrest”. No satisfying explanation has ever been gleamed from Mr. Collins in relationship to his crimes but it is widely understood that a childhood hair clipping incident involving his father and a shire horse may have been at the core of his shenanigans. The sheep involved were all offered psychological counselling and eventually made a full recovery. Mr. Collins is now a free man and spends most of his time shaving poodles (a pass time that was legalised in Britain after the cash for canine scandal of 1998).
Ms. Bumton asks - Another quiet day on the agony front then Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Ahem. You could say that Ms. Bumton. To be quite frank, I’ll be glad when the summer is over. The agony season takes a right battering when the sun is out and no mistake!
Noel from Hampshire asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have recently been informed that glue sniffing can cause irreversible brain damage. With this in mind, I have taken to sniffing the interior of my dad’s new car. Sadly, however, the aroma is beginning to fade. I am currently fighting the urge to return to my old ways and was wondering if you might have any advice with regards to said predicament. My father is unwilling to purchase another new car, and there is no way that I can afford one. Please help.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Noel, firstly I must congratulate you on kicking your habit. Sadly I have no information at hand with regards to glue sniffing and how it relates to irreversible brain cell damage. I can confirm, however, that it is extremely difficult to remove said substance from munky fur. Sniffing cars is a far healthier pastime and no mistake. I would recommend, on this occasion, that you contemplate a career in vehicular sales. Failing this I would suggest that you switch your allegiance to women’s knickers. There are now many sites on the interplanetary interweb that cater for the discerning gentleman’s nasal needs. And now, if you do not mind, I have a complaint to lodge with regards to an administrative error on the part of usedknickers.com
Ms. Bumton adds - Are these your smelly boxer shorts Munky!
Unkle Munky replies - No they bloody well are not Ms. Bumton! I specifically ordered a lacy pink thong previously worn by a lusty stripper from Bolton. It’s a disgrace!
Are Girls Electric?
Linda from Stirling asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am currently writing a thesis about the death penalty and was wondering what your thoughts were on said subject?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Linda, it would appear to me that said legislation is flawed beyond belief. I am struggling to understand how the government can possibly penalise people for dying. After all, said offenders will hardly be in a position to pay a fine?
Linda replies - Oh fer fuck’s sake Munky! Forget about it. I’ll write to Uncle Badger instead! He knows far more about the death penalty than you do. Good day!
Ref. Badger Imposter!!!
Dear Ms. Bumton, are you moderating my award dodging agony column or what!? The previous advertisement for that badger twat is completely out of order and no mistake! How on earth can I be expected to win the Pantene Pro V agony award of 2007 when my own fucking staff are backing the opposition!? The charlatan is obviously thick anyway. How he can refer to himself as ‘The man’, when he is so obviously a badger is, to be quite frank, totally beyond me. The monochrome cretin can’t even spell ‘Unkle’ properly!
Ms. Bumton replies - Dear Unkle Munky, I can only assume that said advertisement was uploaded by one of your many adversaries. Lets face it, you have upset most of your agony rivals at one time or another! You might be interested to note, incidentally, that Uncle Badger is now second in the Pantene Pro V agony poll. Britain’s favourite agony aunt, Claire Rayner, is holding her lead, and you have plummeted to eighth place!
Unkle Munky says - So Claire Rayner is holding her lead now? Perhaps you can teach a smelly old dog new tricks after all!
Arse Bandits 3
Sol from Chichester asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that Marilyn Monroe’s beauty spot was actually a raisin?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Sol, what a ridiculous question. Everyone knows that Ms. Monroe employed the services a stunt fly by the name of Freddie. Sadly, after Marilyn’s death in 1962, Freddie hit on hard times and within two years was offering his services to backstreet pornographers. Embellishing the arses of porn stars, however, was fraught with danger and in 1971 Freddie was accidentally crushed to death on the set of ‘Bum Bandits 3.’ I hope this helps. And now, if you do not mind, I have a badger to bait. Good day!
A musical interlude whilst Munky receives first aid after accidentally trapping his finger in a pretend badger baiting device.
The Holy Grail continues...
Ref. Holy Grail. Page 053
Unkle Munky asks - Dear Ms. Bumton, what is the situation with regards to our milk jug? If I remember correctly, said item had been identified as being the holy grail and was meant to have been shipped to the pope in exchange for a jug of our choice?
Ms. Bumton replies - Dear Unkle Munky, I picked a lovely blue jug from the Argos catalogue and it arrived this morning. I sent the aforementioned Holy grail back via the International Magpie Courier Service. I hope this meets with your approval.
Unkle Munky says - Oh fer fuck’s sake! Not the Magpie Courier Service?
The Final Word.
This week’s final word goes to Oasis frontman Liam Gallagher…
Ahem. Thanks Liam.