Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
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This week Munky is tipping...
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Ms. Bumton (Munky’s legal advisor & General assistant) says - Dear Unkle Munky, if this is the future of the UK. music scene then, to be quite frank, I am glad to be out of it!
Unkle Munky replies - Dear Ms. Bumton, I can assure you that many of us were extremely grateful when you and the other Spice Girls decided to vacate the UK. music scene. Please keep your discouraging views to yourself and get on with some pretend filing whilst I mentally prepare myself for another week of extreme agonising! Good day!
Stuart from Ballygawley asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that the Eiffel Tower shrinks by approximately six inches during the winter time? To be quite frank, I suspect the tourist information board is pulling my plonker again?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Stuart, I can confirm that the Eiffel tower does indeed shrink by approximately six inches during the winter time. The aforementioned phenomenon of which you speak is linked to the fact that some metals have a tendency to contract when exposed to extremely cold conditions.
Ms. Bumton adds - Not unlike your penis then Munky boy?
Unkle Munky says - Just get on with your work Bumton!
Ref. Agony poll
Dear Ms. Bumton, do we have any ideas as to how the Unkle Munky counselling concern is fairing with regards to the impending Pantene Pro V agony awards of 2007.
Ms. Bumton replies - Dear Unkle Munky, it would appear from my recently fabricated graph that you are currently in fourth position. Professional agony aunt, Ms. Claire Rayner is leading the board with just over eight votes. Neck and neck on six votes are that Cheryl Tweedy from the pop group ‘Girls Aloud’ and an agony bunny from Swindon who specialises in carrot based therapy. Unkle Munky inc. is lagging behind on 5.4 votes. You will have to get your act together if you are to stand a chance of winning the coveted Pantene agony award of 2007.
Unkle Munky says - I find it hard to believe that an agony bunny is ahead of me in the current Pantene poll! His answer to everything is, ‘Chew on a carrot, and if the problem persists seek medical advice’. With this current poll in mind, Ms. Bumton, I must insist that you take your position here at Unkle Munky far more seriously. It is imperative that you only forward the most perplexing of queries to my good self and no mistake. And now, if you do not mind, I have carrots to sabotage. Good day!
The Measure of You.
Sarah from Fife asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that the size of a man’s penis can be determined from the number of letters in his christian name? I am currently dating a young man by the name of Ben and was wondering if I should dump him for his mate, Dave?
Unkle Munky says - Oh fer fuck’s sake. We’ll never win that award at this rate!
James from Norwich asks - Dear Unkle Munky, did you receive my email tagged, ‘Urgent and no mistake to be sure’?
Unkle Munky says - Dear James, I did indeed receive the aforementioned email. I was unable to reply earlier as I was busy sifting through the contents of a vacuum cleaner. I find it hard to believe that said appliance is completely void of peanuts! As to your query: I can confirm that your girlfriend must have neglected to switch her phone to ‘predictive text’ mode. I can also confirm, by simple alphabetical deduction, that you are a cock sucker. I hope this helps? And now, if you do not mind, I have assorted pretend phone calls to make with regards to the EU’s stance on rabbit immigration and how it relates to the forthcoming Pantane agony awards. Good day!
Ref. Your ridiculous celebrity endorsements.
Dear Unkle Munky, as your legal advisor I feel duty-bound to raise issue with regards to these ridiculous celebrity endorsements! Anyone with half a brain will question the authenticity of the aforementioned feature. Attempting to curry favour with the Pantene Pro V agony award judges in such a way only serves to highlight your moral ineptitude. I would, on this occasion, recommend that any future endorsements be left to the normal everyday people of the street. Please see below for an example of my own, more urban approach. Good day!
Unkle Munky says - Oh fer fuck’s sake!
Warren from Stevenage asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that the Etch-a-Sketch was invented with the police force in mind? My mate says it was the forerunner to the popular photo-fit up. I suspect that he is pulling my plonker again and no mistake.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Warren, your friend is certainly well informed. I have consulted my 1976 book of police and can confirm that many, many constabularies did indeed use the Etch-a-Sketch as a criminal profiling tool. Sadly, it would appear that the somewhat basic images produced by the apparatus were less than satisfactory and, as a result, no hardened criminals were ever arrested using said technology. The officers, however, really enjoyed using the equiptment and would often create some quite wonderful works of modern art. I hope this helps? And now, if you do not mind, I have a nude to study. Good day!
Ms. Bumton adds - Dear Unkle Munky, as your legal advisor I must correct you on one small point with regards to the previous Etch-a Sketch query. Far from being less than satisfactory, it is widely believed that the aforementioned criminal profiling tool was indeed pivotal to the successful arrest of London’s notorious Kit-Kat burglar, Johnny ‘the fingers’ McGuire.
Lee from Stirling asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently purchased a state of the art digital watch from a local conman. It can tell the time in any country of the world, apart from Britain! What can I do?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Lee, simply emigrating to one of the countries listed in the display of your new digital watch will put an end to this unfortunate quandary. And now, if you do not mind, I have an electric pencil sharpener to play with. Good day!
Ref. Tampon anomaly.
Dear Unkle Munky, the new electric pencil sharpener is designed, as the name so obviously suggests, for pencils and most definitely NOT for my stockpiled tampons!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Bumton, I simply assumed that said sanitary items were of no use to you in your current pregnant state. Giving a munky an electric pencil sharpener is, after all, simply asking for trouble. And now, if you do not mind, I have crayons that require urgent attention. Good day!
The Diary of a Munky.
The Random Ramblings of a Primitive Mind…
Wed April 18th 2007
Ms. Bumton’s impending pregnancy is causing her tits to swell. I have been trying hard not to stare. I was forced to work late tonight after inadvertently becoming wedged between my chair and desk. Women have no idea of the problems that their pregnancies can cause.
Sun April 29th 2007
I appear to be using the word ‘assume’ with a frequency that is on a par with that of my soaring wank count. I can only assume that this is normal behaviour for an agony primate.
More of Munky’s diary entries can be found here...
The Final Word.
This week’s final word goes to irritating French mime artist, Marcel Marceau…
…Give me strength…