Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
- Munky is also available here...
This week Munky is tipping...
What the fuc…?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Bumton, your impromptu and somewhat derogatory reactions to my ‘Munky Music Tips’ only serve to draw attention to the fact that I have exhausted my somewhat limited record collection. As a mere legal advisor/general assistant to a primate, you will not appreciate the sheer poetical resonance that the JCB 444 Merlin Engine Assembly can produce. I would advise that you leave the future of the UK. music scene to my good self and get on with your assigned duties. Good day!
A Concrete Claim.
Ben for Kirby asks - Dear Unkle Munky, did you receive my mail marked with blood and Dettol?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ben, I did indeed receive said mail. I would have answered far earlier, had I not been in the middle of the Unkle Munky Office Olympics. As to your query - I am confident that a claim for physical injury ‘due to a lack of adequate sign posting’ will almost definitely fail in this particular instance. I have studied the Warwick Castle brochure very closely and can find no mention of said fortress purporting to be of a ‘bouncy’ nature? The only claim open to you in this particular instance is one of being a complete idiot. I hope this helps. And now, if you do not mind, I have a wastepaper basket ball training session booked! Good day!
Ms. Bumton says - You have no chance of winning the Pantene Agony award Munky, not with your matted body hair!
Unkle Munky replies - Dear Ms. Bumton, I would appreciate a little more support with regards to the forthcoming agony awards. We can ill afford to allow that Claire Rayner bitch to win again and no mistake! The aforementioned award is merely sponsored by the Pantene hair care company. The crown itself will be awarded to the best agoniser of 2007, regardless of hair condition!
Ms. Bumton adds - Like I said, you’ve got no chance.
Just put a sock in it Bumton!
Ref. Maternity leave.
Dear Unkle Munky, I was just wondering how the interviews for my temporary replacement went?
Unkle Munky replies - To be quite frank, Ms. Bumton, the interviews did not go too well at all. I vetted three ladies in total, and not one of them would agree to placing their breasts into my patented nipple recognition device. I take security very seriously Ms. Bumton and am quite naturally suspicious of anyone who refuses my nipple scan. It would seem that you might be harder to replace than I had previously anticipated.
A Pressing Issue.
Colin from Ipswich asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am really bad at ironing and was wondering if you could suggest any suitable alternatives?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Colin, becoming a nudist will end your ironing problems in an instant.
Ms. Bumton (Munky’s legal advisor/general assistant) says - Dear Unkle Munky, I cannot help but feel that the previous endorsement is somewhat irrelevant. Mr. Cobain did, after all, take his life within weeks of seeking your counsel.
Unkle Munky says - Oh bollocks! Did he really? I’ll never get my hands on that agony award at this rate!
Is it me you're looking for...
Warren from Stevenage asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that accurate facial representations of people can now be formed by layering plasticine modelling clay onto nothing more substantial than a toenail clipping? I suspect my mate is pulling my plonker again and no mistake!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Warren, your persistent questioning of your friend’s wise counsel continues to sadden me. I can indeed confirm that a person’s facial features can be reconstructed from a toenail clipping. Here is a reconstruction that I myself made after discovering a mysterious stray clipping in the Unkle Munky toilet block.
Ref. Toenail reconstruction.
Dear Unkle Munky, since when did Lionel Richie start cutting his toenails in our toilet block?
Unkle Munky replies - Well that is what I am trying to ascertain Ms. Bumton. I have posted my highly detailed sculpture to the Chief Commissioner of Plasticine and am currently awaiting his verdict. I just hope those pesky birds at ‘Magpie Mail’ don’t let me down again.
Keith from Berkshire asks - Dear Unkle Munky, do butterflies fart?
Unkle Munky says - Oh for god’s sake! Are you vetting these quandaries or what Ms. Bumton!?
Ms. Bumton replies - Sorry Munky. I was busy texting Dave the milkman my inside leg measurement. Do they fart though?
Munky's Unlucky Stars
This week Munky turns the spotlight on the star sign of Virgo (August 19th to September19th).
Using the immense processing power of my ZX Spectrum (48K) I have, over a period of three weeks, managed to amass enough information to produce the following in-depth forecast for our Virgo readers.
According to my predictions, Virgo women can look forward to an eventful and pleasant month. A scientific paper that you wrote in the mid eighties will finally make it to the desk of an eminent professor by the name of Barry Bacofoil. His subsequent remarks regarding your work will result in a heady fortnight of networking which will culminate in a photo opportunity at a finger buffet in Bristol between your good self, Noel Edmunds and all of the other Virgo women who are claiming to have created nuclear fusion in a jam jar.
Virgo men, on the other hand, are facing a month of unrivalled bad luck. Expecting the unexpected will become second nature and no one will bat an eyelid when you decide to pitch an all-terrain tent next to the accident and emergency unit of your local hospital. Sadly, your attempts to outwit the aforementioned unexpected events will take a bizarre twist when you are tragically mown down by an ambulance. Add this to the fact that the small print on your tent’s warranty contains a clause relating to such an incident, and I think we can safely assume that male Virgos are in for one hell of a bumpy month and no mistake.
- Please Note - This week’s lucky lottery has been cancelled due to theft, ill health, fraudulence and eventually coma.
Famous Virgos include -
August 23, 1970 - River Phoenix - Actor
Auguat 27, 1910 - Mother Teresa - Humanitarian
August 29, 1915 - Ingrid Bergman - Actress
September 15, 1880 - Agatha Christie - Writer
September 18, 1991 - The Wonder Bra - Underwear.
Disclaimer c/o Ms. Emma Bumton (Legal advisor to a smelly primate).
All information verified as complete bollocks at source.
- Unkle Munky uses a ZX Spectrum (48K) to process his frighteningly accurate horoscopes.
The Chief Commissioner of Plasticine asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I can confirm that ‘Magpie Mail’ delivered your carefully crafted Lionel Richie toenail reconstruction at 10:30 this morning. I have studied your model very closely and, to be quite frank, I am struggling to see any resemblance to the aforementioned Mr. Richie. If anything, the little fella looks more like that 1980’s Morph character? Please feel free to forward a fresh toenail clipping to our lab at your earliest possible convenience. My experts here at ‘Plasticine Forensics’ will do the rest. And now, if you do not mind, I have a delicious plasticine apple to fashion. Good day!
Unkle Munky says - Those fuckin’ useless magpies!
Tina from Durham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my new boyfriend has recently started working for a local call centre. I am grateful that he has managed to secure a fulltime position but am growing increasingly perplexed as to why he seems so intent on bringing his work home with him. I am now unable to contact him via his mobile number as, whenever I do, I am subjected to thirty fucking minutes of George Michael’s Careless Whisper. Last night, prior to sex, he even made me choose a position by pressing a number on my keypad followed by hash! I am at my wits end and no mistake Munky. What can I do?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Tina, this is indeed a serious quandary and no mistake. I shall gather the relative information with regards to your predicament and get back to you shortly. In the meantime, here is some music...
This week’s ‘Dying to tell ya’ comes from Shirley, 24, from Newcastle.
What are you ‘Dying to tell us’ this week Shirley?
I’m a makeup artist ya know?
Unkle Munky says - Thanks Shirley. That’s just great.
Tina from Durham asks - Have you found the relative information yet Munky!? This music is doing my head in and no mistake.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Tina, I am doing the best I can! I shall be with you shortly. In the meantime, here is some more music...
The Final Word.
This week’s final word goes to R2D2…
…This feature isn’t working is it?