Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
- Munky is also available here...
This week Munky is tipping...
- Click here to play.
Ms. Bumton (Munky’s legal advisor/general assistant) says - Dear Unkle Munky, this week’s chart tip is far too contemporary! Are you feeling okay?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Bumton, I must admit… I do have a fuzzy head this morning. I fear that your rather bright attire might have inadvertently overstimulated my brain cells. Perhaps if you were to remove your fluorescent pink blouse I might regain my previous composure.
Ms. Bumton replies - Fuck off Munky! Your previous composure was nothing to write home about anyway! Pervert!
Ref. Let the agony begin.
Dear Ms. Bumton, please forward the first agonising problem of the week to my good self at your earliest possible convenience.
Ms. Bumton replies - Dear Unkle Munky, there doesn’t seem to be much anguish about today. To be quite frank, I have no idea why we are open. It is a public holiday after all.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Bumton, agony is not governed by public holidays! Problems can arise at any time of the year and it is imperative that we are always here to lend our invaluble support. I have already received a disturbing text this morning from a young man in Colechester and, with this in mind, I must insist that you remain at your desk during this bank holiday period. Securing the ‘Pantene Pro V, vitamin enriched’ agony award of 2007 will require far more torment than currently displayed on our books and no mistake!
Ms. Bumton replies - Dear Unkle Munky, just so long as you are aware that I will be expecting to receive double pay again! P.S. With regards to the troubled man from Colechester - Were you able to ease his pain?
Unkle Munky says - To be quite frank Ms. Bumton, I think the young man from Colechester is on drugs or something. He says his girlfriend is buzzing?
Pantene Pro V agony awards 2007
Jamie from Lewisham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I appear to be all out of toothpaste. As you might be aware, it is a bank holiday Monday and all of the shops are closed. Could you recommend a suitable alternative with regards to said product?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Jamie, on this occasion I would suggest that you simply paint your teeth with Tipp-Ex.
Mary Motion Sickness
…Blimey, it is quiet today Ms. Bumton. Have we heard from our entertainment reporter, Ms. Mary Motion Sickness, of late?
Ms. Bumton replies - Oh yes, she has recently interviewed rock legend, Mick Jagger. It is quite a scoop and no mistake.
The Unkle Munky Entertainment Spot.
Earlier this week our insensitive Entertainment Reporter, Ms. Mary Motion Sickness, met up with Mick Jagger for a coco and a chat…
Mary - Hello Mick, lovely to meet you. Please, take a commode.
Mick - Ahem, thank you.
Mary - What’s wrong? Do you have a frog in your throat?
Mick - Sorry?
Mary - I said, what’s wrong? You seem a little nervous about sitting on the commode. Don’t be embarrassed. I have worked in many, many care homes and am quite use to incontinent wrinklies.
Mick - Just because I have turned forty five does not mean that I am incontinent!
Mary - Forty five!? You‘re eighty five if you‘re a day! To be quite frank, I’m not surprised that you can’t get no satisfaction!
Mick - I don’t have to take this ya know!? I am Mick Jagger from The Rolling Stones! You should show me a little respect and no mistake!
Mary - And I am Ms. Mary Motion Sickness from the now defunct gothic girl band, The Pussycat Voodoo Dolls, you don’t hear me banging on about respect. You wrinkly old fucker!
Mick - Excuse me?
Mary - I said… Do you have your hearing aid switched on or do I need to speak in semaphore?
Mick - You fuc*ing good for nothing piece of gothic…
Mary - Security!
Mary - So there you have it Unkle Munky. Mick Jagger, a bitter and twisted wrinkly old twat who has a rather extreme and somewhat unwarranted hatred of Goths. What a tosser!
*Mary Motion Sickness for Unkle Munky and no mistake.
Ref. Jagger interview.
Unkle Munky says - Jeezus! She is getting worse!
Ms. Bumton adds - Wow, she really does bring a flash of excitement to your somewhat lacklustre column Unkle Munky!
Unkle Munky replies - There is absolutely nothing lacklustre about my column Ms. Bumton! Please get on with your duties and keep your mindless opinions to yourself!
Four A.M. Eternal.
Warren from Stevenage asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that most forms of natural death occur at four o’clock in the morning? I suspect that my mate is pulling my plonker again and no mistake.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Warren, I can confirm that the most common time for natural death to occur amongst humans is indeed four A.M. This is the time when the body is at it’s lowest ebb and therefore more susceptible to viral attacks. I have incorporated this knowledge into my latest ‘Life Extension Plan’ venture and feel confident that my techniques will both enrich and prolong the life of those subscribing to the programme.
Ref. Nuisance Phone Calls!
Dear Unkle Munky, will you please stop calling my landline number at Four A.M. every fuckin’ morning! I have not had a decent nights sleep in weeks! What the fuck is wrong with you!?
Unkle Munky replies - Dear Ms. Bumton, the early morning wake-up call of which you speak is an imperative feature of my award dodging, ‘Life Extension Plan’. By pulling you from the jaws of unconsciousness at the allotted time I am single handedly saving you from the clutches of death. As an employee of Unkle Munky I was merely providing this service free of charge and, to be quite frank, would have appreciated a far more positive response from your good self! And now, if you do not mind, I have vulnerable old ladies to contact! Good day!
'Ms. Bumton adds - Wanker!
Unkle Munky Solves the Turin Shroud mystery...
Karen from Swindon asks - Dear Unkle Munky, what are your thoughts on the Turin shroud?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Karen, the ancient biblical quandary of which you speak seems to have troubled both scientists and agonisers for many, many centuries. To be quite frank, I fail to see anything remotely difficult about ridding the aforementioned shroud of those unsightly stains. Effective washing powders and powerful stain removal formulas have been freely available on the open market for many, many years. I would personally soak the aforementioned shroud in a heavily concentrated solution of Oxy Vanish overnight, this will free any stubborn stains that may have gradually amassed over the years. The following morning I would recommend that you launder the article in the normal way using regular soap flakes, Persil Automatic for instance. I hope this helps.
Ms. Bumton adds - Fuckin’ useless!
The Final Word
This week’s final word goes to jockey Lester Pigott…
…oh fer fuck’s sake…
Ref. Last word feature.
Dear Ms. Bumton, I must take you to task with regards to the previous feature. ‘Last Word’ is my attempt to end the week on an uplifting and thought provoking note. Wise words from those in the public eye can often serve to shape the minds of our younger readers. Your reluctance to inform me of Lester’s speech impediment has only served to make me look like a proper tit. I would suggest that you stop dreaming about babies, shoes and Rimmel London’s fuller lip cosmetic range and concentrate on the job in hand. And now, if you do not mind, I have young ladies to interview with regards to your impending maternity leave. Good day!
Ms. Bumton replies - Oh, I just thought he was speaking Munky?
P.S. I am leaving early tonight as Boots the chemist are running a limited two for one Rimmel London Lip-gloss promotion.
Unkle Munky says - Give me strength!