Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
- Munky is also available here...
This week Munky is tipping...
Ms. Bumton (Munky’s legal advisor) says - What the fuc…?
Unkle Munky says - Ahem, don’t say a word Ms. Bumton. I appear to have exhausted my primitive record collection. I am quietly confident that this unfortunate anomaly will go unnoticed if we just keep our heads down and get on with our agonising duties. Please forward the first conundrum of the week to my good self at your earliest possible convenience.
Ms. Bumton replies - Okay Munky. Here is your starter for ten. You have one minute to re-arrange these letters into a phrase that I often use when describing you to my friends and family.
Unkle Munky says - Not that kind of conundrum! This isn’t fuckin’ countdown! What’s the answer anyway?
Bitch! You obviously have far too much time on your hands. I would suggest, on this occasion, that get some bastard filing done! Good day!
How Deja Vu Works.
Ernie from Petersborough asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I suffer from Deja Vu and was wondering if I may have asked this question before?
Unkle Munky says - What the fuc…?
Ref. How Deja Vu Works?
Dear Unkle Munky, you appear to have confused Deja Vu with that new club that has opened down the road.
Unkle Munky says - I swear I’ve made that mistake before Ms. Bumton?
Ms. Bumton adds - Give me fuckin’ strength…
Feeding the World.
Warren from Stevenage asks - Dear Unkle, is it true that Bob Geldoff fed the whole wide world in 1985? I suspect my mate is pulling my plonker again and no mistake.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Warren, I have consulted my 1985 book of food and can confirm that Mr. Geldof did indeed feed the world in 1985. I should add, at this juncture, that little Midge Ure did most of the buttering* (*A fact that history has sadly overlooked and one that has caused much resentment between the aforementioned chefs).
Ref. Bank Holiday.
Dear Unkle Munky, I hope you are aware that today, being Good Friday, is a bank holiday and that as a result I am expecting double pay.
PS. I’m just popping downstairs to pay the milkman.
Unkle Munky replies - Yes, don’t worry Ms. Bumton, I have not neglected to double your monkey nuts for the hours worked today.
Ms. Bumton adds - How many fuckin’ times! I want paying in cash, not nuts or bananas! Tosser. Do my tits look okay in this blouse? I like to look my best for Dave the milkman.
Unkle Munky says - Your tits would look a lot better out of the blouse, but I guess they’ll do.
Kirsty from Glasgow asks - Dear Unkle Munky, both my boyfriend and myself will be attending a fertility clinic on Tuesday with a view to initiating a course of IVF treatment. With this in mind I was wondering if you might have any additional information regarding said procedure?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Kirsty, unfortunately I am unable to offer any in-depth advice on women’s issues without my legal advisor’s supervision. Ms. Bumton is currently paying the milk bill and therefore unable to overlook my wise counsel. I am sure that the clinic in question will answer any questions that you may have regarding the insertion of the Cadbury’s Cream Egg. Good luck.
Ref. Women’s problems.
Fer fuck’s sake Munky! How many times must I insist that you refer problems of a female nature to my good self before posting on a public forum!? For your information, at no time during her treatment will Kirsty be required to insert a cream egg! Idiot!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Bumton, I cannot be expected to know about such issues and was merely attempting to relieve Kirsty’s anxiety regarding the egg insertion. I trust that you will email her privately with a view to correcting my innocent mistake. PS. You have milk on your chin.
Ms. Bumton (Munky’s legal advisor/General assistant) replies - Oh, yes… Dave the milkman gave me a free sample. I shall email Kirsty at my earliest possible convinence. And now, if you do not mind, I have lipstick to apply. Good day!
Dying to Tell ya...
This week’s, ‘Dying to tell ya’ comes from Elton in Middlesex.
What are you ‘Dying to tell us’ this week Elton?
I’m 60 ya know?
Unkle Munky says - Thanks Elton. That’s just great.
Paul from Wales asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I was recently X-rayed at my local hospital after sustaining a suspected broken rib during a rather heated pillow fight. With this in mind, I was wondering if there may have been a mix up with regards to the somewhat puzzling results?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Paul, ribs are notoriously easy to break and there is very little that can be done in relation to treatment, other than rest. I have studied your X-rays closely and can see no real anomalies with regards to said rib cage. I would suggest, on this occasion, that you are merely suffering from internal bruising and must therefore reiterate my previous counsel. A few weeks rest will see you fighting with pillows again in no time.
Paul replies - I’m not on about the rib cage you worthless hairy cretin! I was merely trying to highlight the fact that the hospital have returned the X-rays of a fuckin’ duck! Oh forget it, Munky. I’ll ask Britain’s leading agony aunt, Ms. Claire Rayner. She knows far more about ducks than you do! Good day!
Ref. Duck anomaly.
Dear Ms. Bumton, you could have told me that Paul from Wales was not a duck! You have made me look a proper tit again and no mistake!
The Final Word.
The Final Word.
This week’s final word goes to Bob Geldof of Live Aid fame…