Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
- Munky is also available here...
This week Munky is tipping...
…and he's got no right to take his place in the human race…
Shut it Bumton!!!
The Milk of Human Kindness.
Karen from Colechester asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my milkman husband seems to be taking forever to do his early morning rounds. I was wondering if there might be any substance to the rumours regarding said profession?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Karen, I am unable to answer your question in full as I am unaware of said rumours? At this juncture I can only surmise that your husband’s lengthy rounds might be attributed to the somewhat inadequate speeds currently attainable by battery operated milk floats. I shall forward your enquiry onto my legal advisor, Ms. Bumton, as she always seems to insist on dealing with the Unkle Munky HQ milk deliveries.
Ref. Karen from Colechester.
Dear Unkle Munky, with reference to the previous agoniser - I can confirm that Karen is talking out of her fat lardy arse. The rumours regarding milkmen are complete bollocks. And now, if you do not mind, I have blouse adjustments to make!
Unkle Munky says - I wish someone would enlighten me with regards to the fuckin’ rumour! By the way, Ms. Bumton, you appear to have yoghurt on your chin.
Harriet from Coventry asks - Dear Unkle Munky, at the end of a busy day my boyfriend and myself often meet up at a local coffee bar for a quick cuppa and a chat. Unfortunately, his refusal to change out of his work clothes is beginning to invoke an underlying air of hostility amongst staff and customers alike. With this in mind, I was wondering if you might have any tips with regards to raising the matter of his unsuitable attire without unduly upsetting him?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Harriet, I myself face similar problems when occasionally accompanying Ms. Bumton for a drink or two after a hard days agonising. To be quite frank, I am growing rather tired of insensitive city folk continually pulling my tail and ears in the mistaken belief that I am not a real munky! I would suggest, on this occasion, that you arrange to meet your boyfriend at MacDonald’s. His attire should not appear out of place in said establishment as both customers and staff will merely assume that Ronald has arrived for some kind of emergency board meeting. I hope this helps.
Ms. Bumton adds - If you think we’re going to the zoo for a banana after work you can think again Munky breath!
On This Day in History...
It was on this very day in 1994 that a young man of unshaven descent walked into his local police station with a box of PG Tips under his arm and a written demand to see the officer in charge. “I remember it as if it were yesterday…”, said officer Barry Mountford recently in an interview for, ‘Stop or I’ll mute’ magazine (a specialised publication that caters for deaf and dumb police officers in and around the West Midlands area). “I was on ‘desk duty’ that day and was busy making adjustments to a drawer that had been sticking since the miners strike of 1984.” Asked if he had managed to solve the mysterious case, Barry replied, “Well, to be quite frank, both myself and my partner (Bodie from The Professionals) had no intention of solving what was, after all, a matter for the government and the National Union of Mine workers”. It later transpired that the officer had misunderstood the question and rectified his answer regarding the mysterious unshaven fella with the following statement - “Any person or persons entering my police station with Tea bags will always be treated with care and sensitivity. Placing the young man under arrest for impersonating a teapot was my only option back then. Thankfully, the world has moved on a pace since those days and teapot impersonators are no longer chastised for walking around with their arms in positions relative to handles and spouts. His subsequent allegations regarding a split tea bag were not deemed serious enough to warrant further investigation and we eventually let him off with the lesser known charge of wasting PG Tips”. Ahem, thanks Barry.
Ms. Bumton adds - Another quiet day on the agony front then Munky?
Gaynor from Kirkbride asks - Dear Unkle Munky, did you receive my letter marked with tears and the word, ‘Urgent’?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Gaynor, I did indeed receive the aforementioned letter. I would have replied far earlier had I not been heavily engrossed in my latest alternative Viagra experiment. As to your query - It is quite normal to become a little teary when stumbling upon the treasured belongings of a recently departed loved one. I can assure you that these feelings will eventually ease. I have contacted JCB on your behalf and they have informed me that your late husband’s digger will be collected within the week. And now, if you do not mind, I have milk to consume. Why Ms. Bumton is having so much of the stuff delivered of late is, to be quite frank, beyond my primitive comprehension.
Alternative Viagra #05
Simon from Eire asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I will be having my first piano lesson on Monday and was wondering if I would be expected to perform an emergency stop?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Simon, performing an emergency stop will only be deemed necessary on the event of your piano playing being exceptionally bad.
John from Newbury asks - is it true that Tom Jones often throws his knickers at the screaming women who attend his concerts? I am in dire need of some new pants and if said rumour can be verified I will more than likely attend the Newbury leg of his highly acclaimed ‘Tommy Testosterone Tour’.
Unkle Munky says - Dear John, my ‘Bonnie Langford book of who to throw your knickers at’ confirms my suspicions regarding said rumour. It would appear that audience members (predominantly women) throw their knickers at Tom and NOT vice versa. With summer fast approaching I would suggest that you go commando. I hope this helps.
Ref. Agony vetting.
Dear Ms. Bumton, once again I must call into question your skills regarding vetting procedures. The previous question was hardly of an agonising nature! I must insist that you vet these queries far more thoroughly before allowing them onto the Unkle Munky forum. I might also add that your choice of picture is highly inappropriate! You have single handedly ruined my imminent banana based lunch and no mistake!
Palm Reading with Unkle Munky.
Bernard from Leeds asks - Dear Unkle Munky, have you prepared my palm related forecast yet?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Bernard, I have studied the lines from your palm very closely and, with the help of my ZX Spectrum (48k) have successfully amassed the following information.
*Legal Disclaimer c/o Ms. Bumton (Legal advisor to a smelly primate) - Unkle Munky cannot be held responsible for any actions taken in response to his computer aided palm readings. The Sinclair ZX Spectrum is, after all, as dated as his warped record collection!
Unkle Munky says - Thank you Ms. Bumton for covering my hairy arse. Not literary you understand? That would just be unnatural and wrong.