Unkle Munky Pg 48
From Writers of the World
Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
- Munky is also available here...
This week Munky is tipping...
Ms. Bumton adds - Perv!
Contents |
Vest Life.
Lisa from Kensington asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am worried about my partner. Since joining a tribute band called, ‘Vest Life’ he has suffered nothing but cold after cold. I am most concerned and no mistake. What can I do?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Lisa, on this occasion I would recommend that your partner consider joining the alternative tribute boyband, ‘Take Hat’.
Ref. Milk.
Dear Ms. Bumton, are you lactating yet? We appear to be out of milk, yet again! With this in mind, I was wondering if you might express yourself over my coffee?
Ms. Bumton replies - Dear Unkle Munky, my precious milk is for my precious baby and not some hairy arsed primate with no morals! I would recommend, on this occasion, that you swing over to the corner shop and purchase a bottle at your earliest possible convenience! Dick head! How’s that for expressing myself!?
Warren from Stevenage asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that both lemons and limes were used as alternatives to hand grenades during the great munitions shortage of 1944? I fear that my mate is pulling my plonker again and no mistake!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Warren, I have consulted ‘The Ladybird book of World War Two weaponry’ and can confirm that said fruit did indeed replace the grenade for a short time during the aforementioned munitions deficit. I can also confirm that said replacement was later withdrawn by the British Ministry of Defence when the enemy reported feelings of extreme wellbeing.
Munky's Unlucky Stars. Capricorn.
This week Munky turns the spotlight on the star sign of Capricorn (December 22nd - January 19th).
Using the immense processing power of my ZX Spectrum (48K) I have, over a period of three weeks, managed to amass enough information to produce the following in-depth forecast for our Capricorn readers.
That problem you have been having with the fridge door will become steadily worse over the next week or so. A simple trip to the dentist for a regular check up will cost you in excess of one thousand pounds when, due to an all-nude Cillit Bang promotional campaign, you take your eyes off the road for approximately three minutes. A small man with a big hat will offer you fashion tips in return for a bite of your Snickers bar. Do not accept! He has gum disease. Male Capricorns will cut themselves shaving on the 16th and will spend most of the day trying to convince people that they have not been in a fight. Interestingly, said cut will resemble a simple street map of your father’s birthplace. On the 26th a fatal kiss-o-gram incident will see you unsuccessfully performing the Heimlich manoeuvre on a seventeen and a half stone Wonder Woman look-a-like. And finally, as the month draws to an end, you will realise that your fridge is facing the wrong way and that the door is not broken at all. You owe the timid sales assistant at Dixons an apology. You big bully!
Famous Capricorns include -
December 24, 1905 - Ava Gardner - Actress
December 25, 1949 - Sissy Spacek - Actress
December 25, 1954 - Annie Lennox - Singer
December 28, 1954 - Denzel Washington - Actor
December 30, 1970 - Barry Walker - Window Cleaner
Disclaimer c/o Ms. Emma Bumton (Legal advisor to a smelly primate).
All information verified as complete bollocks at source.
- Unkle Munky uses a ZX Spectrum (48K) to process his frighteningly accurate horoscopes.
Ref. Foam
Dear Unkle Munky, you appear to be foaming at the mouth. I sincerely hope that you have not been fantasising over the mental image of my lactating tits again!?
Unkle Munky replies - Dear Ms. Bumton, I can assure you that the current frothing of my mouth is in no way related to your milky breasts. The effervescent drivel currently emanating from my nose and mouth is merely an unfortunate side-effect of my latest Viagra related test. As a munky, I am prone to occasional experimentation and would appreciate a little more understanding on both the part of yourself and the unborn sprog! And now, if you do not mind, I have an ambulance to call! Good day!
Unkle Munky Research & Development Data (Ref. 04 viag)
Seeing the light...
Adrian from Penshire asks - Dear Unkle Munky, on Wednesday night I found my wife in bed with my next door neighbour. What can I do?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Adrian, subdued street lighting only serves to highlight the desolate uniformity of our characterless abodes. You should therefore refrain from blaming yourself too harshly for accidentally entering the wrong address. I would, on this occasion, suggest that you install a motion-activated floodlight by your front door? Marking said door clearly with your house number will also assist in putting an end to these unfortunate incidents.
Adrian replies - I was in the right house you useless hairy cretin! Oh forget it, I’ll ask Britain’s leading agony aunt, Ms. Claire Rayner, instead! You really are shit at this agony malarkey!
Westlife Story…
A watery grave...
Greg from Inverness asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have been attempting to kill myself for almost three weeks now. All that I have succeeded to do, however, is give myself a terrible cold. Where am I going wrong Unkle Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Greg, I have carefully studied your hose configuration pictures and would suggest that you attach said hose to your exhaust pipe as opposed to the conveniently sited outdoor water tap.
Dying to tell ya...
This week’s, ‘Dying to tell ya’ comes from Ethel in Wigan. What are you ‘Dying to tell us’ this week Ethel?
I’m 82 ya know?
Unkle Munky says - Thanks Ethel. That’s just great.
Sid from Eire asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is your shitty agony column available in Braille?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Sid, publishing my award-dodging agony column via the inter-web affords me the luxury of reaching-out to troubled souls the world over. I can confidently predict that you will have no problems receiving my wise counsel in the aforementioned city of Braille.
Ms. Bumton (Munky's legal advisor) adds - Oh fer fucks sake!
Unkle Munky is also available here...
