Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
- Munky is also available here...
This week Munky is tipping...
Ms. Bumton adds - No way, no way! I know watcha thinkin’!
The Rug Squad.
PC Collins from Bury asks - Dear Unkle Munky, a recent and somewhat unsuccessful drugs raid has landed me and my fellow officers with approximately seven thousand highly desirable Persian rugs. I was wondering if you might be interested in purchasing a few for Munky HQ?
Unkle Munky says - Dear PC Collins, funds here at Munky HQ are a little stretched at the moment. It would therefore be somewhat cavalier of me to spend what little we do have on high quality Persian rugs. I cannot speak for my legal advisor (Ms. Bumton) as she is currently practising some kind of breathing technique. I would assume, however, that her current rug is more than adequate.
Dear Unkle Munky, I must insist that you refrain from discussing the state of my pubic bush on a public forum! You have ruined my breathing exercise and no mistake! And for your information, I would quite like one of those Persian rugs from the local drug squad. Please forward their contact details to me at your earliest possible convenience (i.e. After you have had your regular mid-morning wank).
Unkle Munky replies - Dear Ms. Bumton, I must insist that you refrain from discussing my mid morning wanking sessions! Recent erection anomalies were merely a consequence of my alternative Viagra experiments. I can confirm at this juncture, incidentally, that McVities Hob Nob biscuits have no bearing on the longevity of the aforementioned boner. And now, if you do not mind, I have Tic Tacs to consume! Good day!
Unkle Munky Research & Development Data (Ref. 01viag)
John from New Jersey asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am currently planning to install a sadomasochistic dungeon beneath my bungalow here in New Jersey. With this in mind I was wondering if you could inform me of any health and safety regulations that I may need to abide by?
Unkle Munky says - Dear John, I can confirm that there are numerous health and safety issues connected to such a venture. Dungeons are notoriously damp and there is a real possibility that someone could contract a serious head cold. I would advise that both your clientele and yourself wrap up warm whilst practising the aforementioned underground martial art routines.
Dear Unkle Munky, I feel duty-bound to inform you that sadomasochism is not a martial art. With regards to this particular query, you might find the literature that I have placed in your inbox helpful.
Unkle Munky replies - Blimey. Thank you Ms. Bumton for bringing this anomaly to my attention. I shall email John privately and book an appointment. I feel that a more ’hands on’ approach might be required with regards to this particular health and safety issue.
Unkle Munky Research & Development Data (Ref. 02 viag)
Dying to tell ya...
Debbie from Humberside asks - Dear Unkle Munky, have you noticed how old people keep informing everyone of their age? I am 87 by the way!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Debbie, I have indeed noticed the aforementioned anomaly. Munky HQ receives approximately two hundred emails a week from elderly pensioners who, for reasons best known to themselves, feel obliged to shout about their age. We are hoping to install a ‘Gran filter’ into the ZX Spectrum at some stage in the near future. For the time being, however, I have decided to introduce a new feature simply entitled, ‘Dying to tell ya’. Both Ms. Bumton and myself are confident that these wrinkly upstarts will soon become bored and eventually find some other munky to pester!
This week’s ‘Dying to tell ya’ comes from Doris in Surrey. What are you ‘Dying to tell us’ this week Doris?
I’m 85 ya know?
Unkle Munky says - That’s Great. Thanks.
Ms. Bumton (Munky’s legal advisor) adds - Dear Unkle Munky, why does Gareth Gates appear to be a potato in the previous advertisement for ’Sadomasochistic Weekly’ magazine?
Unkle Munky replies - Dear Ms. Bumton, the above headline has been verified as complete bollocks by the British Board of Bullshit. With this in mind I was forced to publish a potato-based jpeg of Mr. Gates. To be quite frank, Ms. Bumton, as legal advisor to a primate I am more than a little surprised that you were not already aware of said vegetable loophole! I would suggest, on this occasion, that you get your head out of those baby magazines and get stuck into some proper munky law reference books! And now, if you do not mind, I have Pot Noodle to consume. Good day!
Mandy from Manchester asks - Dear Unkle Munky, since following your advice with regards to lettuce preparation I have come down with a terrible cold. Can I make a claim?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Mandy, I am more than satisfied with the counsel previously given with regards to this matter. When I suggested that you ‘rinse beneath cold running water’ I was, of course, referring to the aforementioned lettuce and not your thick head! The only claim that you can confidently make at this juncture is one of complete stupidity. And now, if you do not mind, I have onions to grate and cheese to peel. Good day!
Imogen from Wales asks - Dear Unkle Munky, whenever my boyfriend has a shave he always seems to miss a bit above his top lip. I was wondering of you might have any tips with regards to said grooming anomaly?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Imogen, I think you will find that your boyfriend is attempting to grow a moustache. Due to her experience with facial hair I would recommend that you discuss said subject with my legal advisor, Ms. Bumton. I will forward your queer onto her at my earliest possible convenience.
Ms. Bumton adds - Fuck off Munky! And I think you meant, ‘query’ not ‘queer’!
Unkle Munky says - I know what I meant Bumton!
Unkle Munky Research & Development Data (Ref. 03 viag)
Sara from Denton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, did you receive my letter marked, ‘Urgent’?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Sara, I did indeed receive said letter. Unfortunately, ‘Urgent’ was not the only thing that the aforementioned correspondence was marked with! As to your query: I can confirm that numerous people bring their work home with them and that your husband’s behaviour is not at all unusual in this respect. I do sympathise however and would recommend that you advise him to seek an alternative occupation to that of a shit spreader. And now, if you do not mind, I have windows to open! Good day!