Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
- Munky is also available here...
This week Munky is tipping...
Put ya tongue back in Bumton! He’s not all that. He doesn’t even have a tail!
A Question of Taste.
Steve from Cheshire asks - Dear Unkle Munky, did you receive my soggy mail marked, ‘Urgent’?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Steve, I did indeed receive said letter. An unfortunate piercing incident sadly rendered me unable to answer your query until now, and for that I apologise. With regards to your question regarding the firefighter position recently offered to you; I agree that the yellow trousers are a little garish, especially when worn in conjunction with the standard navy blue apparel that the fire brigade supply. It seems plain to me that your fashion credibility would be highly compromised by the wearing of such an ill-conceived uniform and, for this reason, I would advise that you reject this career opportunity at your earliest possible convenience. And now, if you do not mind, I have Germolene antiseptic ointment to apply.
On This day in History.
It was on this very day in 1984 that a Northumbrian man by the name of Harold Jones cut his finger on a can of a corn beef. “I remember it as if it were yesterday,” said an older and somewhat wiser Harold recently in an interview for, ‘Corn beef weekly’. “My whole life flashed before my eyes and I remember thinking to myself: So that’s where I put the remote control!” Asked if he has since adopted this approach to locate other missing items, Harold replied, “Oh yes, I have since traced the whereabouts of many missing articles using this technique and would endorse it fully”. Heavily scarred and institutionalised, Harold now spends his days contemplating the mystery surrounding the disappearance of Buddy Holly and Glen Miller.
Ref. Lack of trauma?
Jeezus! Are we to understand from the previous inane feature that agony is a little thin on the ground today?
Unkle Munky replies - Dear Ms. Bumton, I would appreciate a little less lip on your part and a lot more filing! The, ‘On this day in history’ feature is proving very popular amongst certain sections of society and I intend to make it a regular highlight of my widely unread column. Your lack of enthusiasm has not gone unnoticed and I can only assume that your hormones have gone a bit weird again. Just hurry up and have the baby for fucks sake!
Graham Vs. Alan.
Graham from Bolton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my girlfriend of eighteen months left me last night for a hypnotherapist named Wayne. I suspect foul play but cannot prove anything. Similarly, my mate Alan recently lost his girlfriend to a clown named Steve. Who would you consider to be the winner Unkle Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Graham, I have consulted my 1987 book of Competitive manly bollocks and can confirm that, yet again, your friend Alan is the victor with regards to this particular event. Losing your girlfriend to an hypnotherapist could imply that she did not depart of her own free will. Losing the love of your life to a clown, however, does infer that said relationship may have already been close to breaking point. You must try much harder than this to win one over on Alan I’m afraid.
Graham replies - Oh bollocks! He wins everything!
Ref. All quiet on the agony front.
Have we received any correspondence of late from our insensitive entertainment reporter, Ms. Motion Sickness? For some inexplicable reason there seems to be a complete lack of agony today, so feel free to upload her latest… ‘report’ at your earliest convenience.
Ms. Bumton replies - Dear Unkle Munky, I do indeed have a new report from our glamorous reporter and shall post it shortly. Apparently, she has interviewed Sting in her own inimitable style.
Unkle Munky adds - God helps us…
Mary Motion Sickness Vs. Sting.
The Unkle Munky Entertainment Spot.
Ms. Mary Motion Sickness
Earlier this week our insensitive Entertainment Reporter, Ms. Mary Motion Sickness, met up with Sting for a yawn and a chat…
Mary - Hello Sting, lovely to meet you. Please, take a seat.
Sting - Thank you, but if it’s all the same to you I’ll take up my favourite prostrate enhancing position on the floor.
Mary - Please ya self tosser.
Sting - Sorry?
Mary - I said, please yourself! Just don’t expect me to sit on the bastard floor! My prostrate is enhanced enough and no mistake!
Sting - Ok…
Mary - So anyway, tantrum sex?
Sting - I think you mean tantric sex?
Mary - I know what I mean! What’s the point of it?
Sting - Excuse me?
Mary - Tantrum sex? What is the point of prolonging it? Seems fucking frustrating if you ask me. Surely your wife would prefer to get it over and done with? I wouldn’t fancy having you on top of me all fucking night long, not with my back.
Sting - You fuc*ing good for nothing piece of…
Mary - Security!
Mary - So there you have it Unkle Munky. Sting, an inconsiderate tantric tosser who thinks more of himself than he does his partner. What a complete wanker!
*Mary Motion Sickness for Unkle Munky and no mistake.
Ms. Bumton adds - Wow, what a wonderful technique she has Unkle Munky. I wish I was like Ms. Mary Motion Sickness.
Unkle Munky replies - Dear Ms. Bumton, I never thought that I would say this, but you are perfect as you are.
Palmistry with Unkle Munky.
Lee from Milton Keynes asks - Dear Unkle Munky, have you prepared my palm related forecast yet?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Lee, I have studied the lines from your palm very closely and, with the help of my ZX Spectrum (48k) have successfully amassed the following information.
Ref. Palm Reading.
Dear Unkle Munky, I must take issue with the previous feature in which you flagrantly flout the laws of palmistry. How you can claim to read palms to such an accurate degree is, to be quite frank, beyond my comprehension. I would suggest that you accept no money for this service and would also remind you to think long and hard before sharing any further predictions of a distressing nature!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Bumton, once again I am indebted to you for bringing the error of my ways into focus. I have since emailed Lee with regards to the published forecast and have suggested that the problem with his fridge door will be of little consequence as, at the time of failing, his freezer compartment will already be void of perishable goods. I hope this meets with your approval and that you might remove your blouse as way of a thank you.
Ms. Bumton adds - Bloody useless! I was referring to the supposedly imminent death of his aunty. You dozy cretin!
Charlotte from York asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have recently taken up a new hobby and was wondering if you knew of any midgets who would not mind dressing up as miniature railway operatives?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Charlotte, I find the tone of your query most disturbing and would wholeheartedly recommend that you consider an alternative pastime! Midgets were not put on this earth to indulge the whims of miniature railway enthusiasts! As the worlds most successful agony primate, I cannot be seen to endorse such a politically incorrect hobby.
Colin from Smallsville asks - Dear Unkle Munky, as a registered midget I feel it my duty to express my complete disdain with regards to your previous reply! I have always wanted to work on a miniature railway line and would have been more than happy to assist Charlotte with her newfound hobby. You, Unkle Munky, are a complete wanker and no mistake!
P.S. Claiming to be the world’s most successful agony primate is of little relevance when considering the complete lack of competition! Fuck wit!
Unkle Munky says - Ahem. Sorry Colin.
Ref. Midget cock up.
Dear Unkle Munky, yet again I feel duty bound to call into question your credentials with regards to this agony business. One of my closest friends is a midget and he too would have relished the opportunity to work for Charlotte’s miniature railway. I have received numerous emails this morning from disgruntled midgets and would advise that you post an apology at your earliest possible convenience.
Unkle Munky replies - Dear Ms. Bumton, it was never my intention to upset the little fellas. I have long been a fan of the midget, as this jpeg (taken earlier in the Munky HQ garden) must surely substantiate!
Ms. Bumton says - Oh fer fucks sake!