Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
- Munky is also available here...
This week Ms. Emma Bumton is tipping...
Oi, Munky! Leave your dick alone!
A request for nudity.
Ref. This weeks musical tip.
Dear Ms. Bumton, allowing you the opportunity to choose this week’s Munky Tip was obviously a big mistake. This hurtful episode may prove difficult to forgive but am willing to meet you halfway by allowing you to appease yourself via the gift of nudity. Removing your clothes for an hour or two will go some way to easing the pain that you have so cruelly inflicted upon my good self.
Ms. Bumton replies - Fuck off Munky!
Gemma from Leeds asks - Dear Unkle Munky, if James Bond is so great at being a secret agent how come we all know what he looks like?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Gemma, this is just the kind of conundrum that often keeps me awake at night. Thanks a lot!
Ms. Bumton (Munky’s legal advisor) adds - Dear Unkle Munky, I feel obliged to point out that you seem to have mistaken Harry Potter for James Bond in the above jpeg.
Unkle Munky replies - Have I really? Blimey, perhaps that James Bond is more adept at this secret agent work than I first supposed?
Fer fucks sake…
On This Day in History...
It was on this very day in 1984 that Sandra Collins, 23, from Bromley forgot to bring in her washing. “I was half way through an important assignment at my place of work when I realised the error of my ways”, said Sandra recently in an interview for specialist magazine, ‘Coma Babes’. “Suspending the photo shoot would have cost thousands and so I had no choice but to put on a brave comatose face and get on with job in hand”. Sandra lost a pair of French knickers, a My Little Pony T-shirt and a polar-neck jumper in the tragic incident and still blames a heavy work schedule for the whole sorry mess.
Ms. Bumton (Unkle Munky’s legal advisor) adds - What the fuck…?
Ref. On this day in history.
I do apologise Ms. Bumton. I completely forgot to mention my new feature. It is designed to offer counsel in an informal fashion and is intended to help those who may be a little reticent to contact our agony emporium.
Ms. Bumton replies - Dear Unkle Munky, I am sure that there are numerous comatose related porn stars out there who are singing your praises as we speak.
Unkle Munky says - Do you really think so?
Ms. Bumton says - Do I fuck! Idiot!
Trevor from Nottingham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, whenever I look at my girlfriend I get this overwhelming desire to cry. Is this normal?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Trevor, I have studdied the jpeg of your girlfriend carefully and can confim that your desire to cry is quite normal. Her bent nose, dodgy eyebrows and drooping lip are enough to make any man cry. I hope this helps.
Trevor replies - You wanker! My uncontrollable urge to weep is born of both her beauty and of the fact that I cannot believe my luck! I should have known better than to ask an hairy useless cretin like yourself!
Earlier this week Unkle Munky accidentally submitted a picture of Harry Potter in a post that was meant to centre around a certain Mr. James Bond. The primate deals with numerous problematical issues during the course of the day and cannot be held completely responsible for any minor errors that may occur during peak agony hours. As a way of redressing this issue, however, the banana breath idiot will be uploading an original 007 Jpeg shortly. Thank you for your time and patience during these trying times.
Ms. Emma Bumton. Legal advisor/General assistant to a primate.
James Bond. Circa 1980’s
Ms. Bumton says - Oh fer fucks sake! That’s Adam Ant of ‘Stand and deliver’ fame you hairy good for nothing toss pot!
Unkle Munky adds - Is it really? I thought it seemed odd. After all, you can hardly go around being clandestine with a bloody big white stripe on your face! This James Blonde bloke is a proper mystery and no mistake.
Ms. bumton says - I give up.
Dear Unkle Munky, I am hoping to attend a fancy dress party in a few weeks time and was wondering if you might know where the law stood on the issue of rabbit impersonating?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Derek, I have consulted my 1979 book of furry related law and can confirm that rabbit impersonating is only deemed illegal if there is a sawn-off carrot present within a fifteen meter range of said impersonation.
Ref. Rabbit bollocks.
Dear Unkle Munky, I must raise issue with regards to the previous rabbit enquiry. You are plainly talking out of your hairy arse and no mistake. I find your flippant advice both offensive and unhelpful.
Unkle Munky replies - Dear Ms. Bumton, what the fuck do you expect? These are not the kind of problems that an agony primate of my standing should be expected to deal with. Claire Rayner (Britain’s leading agony aunt) receives proper problems involving life and death issues. What do I get? Some idiot banging on about rabbit impersonating! My agony degree is wasted on such imbeciles and no mistake! And now, if you do not mind, I have alternative Viagra supplements to assess. Good day!
Munky's Unlucky Stars (Gemini)
Munky’s Unlucky Stars.
This week Munky turns the spotlight on the star sign of Gemini.
According to my *computer aided charts, a seemingly peaceful month will end in turmoil as a pizza related incident turns ugly (February the 29th). A topping of pineapple and ham will see you targeting a malicious complaint towards a delivery man by the name of Pete. Due to a snugly fitting crash helmet, however, your insistence regarding an order previously placed for a pepperoni topping will fall on deaf ears. Whilst chasing said operative’s moped you will subsequently trip over next door’s cat and, in so doing, cause damage to a tendon in your right leg. Further bruising will occur during the first week of March as you are involved in a minor skirmish with an innocent member of the public (who just happens to support a crash-helmet styled haircut). The end of March you will find you attending a court of law in a rather ill fitting suit that you have borrowed from a mate who has no fashion sense. Here you will confirm your name as Marlena Dietrich (having previously changed it via deed poll due to a Cillit Bang related incident at a local superstore). A charge of wrongful twatting will be overturned and within just three weeks you be found guilty of ‘being an arse’ by a jury consisting primarily of a chef, a ref and a girl named Steph. A subsequent charge of pineapple chunk abuse will be upheld pending further investigation. Add this to the fact that your impending incarceration will force you to go ‘cold pizza’ and I think we can safely assume that the next few months are far from agreeable for our Gemini friends.
Famous Gemini’s include -
May 22, 1859 - Sir Author Conan Doyle - Writer
May 22, 1907 - Sir Lawrence Oliver - Actor
May 24, 1941 - Bob Dylan - Singer
June 18, 1942 - Paul McCartney - Singer
June 20, 1960 - Ronald McDonald - Clown
Disclaimer c/o Ms. Emma Bumton (Legal advisor to a smelly primate).
All information verified as complete bollocks at source.
- Unkle Munky uses a ZX Spectrum (48K) to process his frighteningly accurate horoscopes.
Ref. Horoscope bollocks.
Dear Unkle Munky, you don’t half talk some shit. The validity of your Gemini forecast is thrown into question within the very first line! Check your calendar Munky boy! There is no 29th of February this year. Idiot!
Unkle Munky replies - Ahem. A simple oversight Ms. Bumton. My trusty ZX Spectrum cannot be expected to remember everything!
Martin from Kirby asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am planning to kill myself on Friday (after Coronation Street) and was wondering if the catalytic converter on my motor vehicle might impede the speed at which deadly fumes are emitted from the exhaust?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Martin, what an intriguing question. I have consulted my 1987 Blue Peter book of death and can confirm that the aforementioned catalytic converter will indeed extend your suffering by approximately two minutes. I would suggest, on this occasion, that you consider removing the exhaust pipe altogether. Attaching a hose directly to the engine block will make for a far more successful suicide bid. Good luck.
Ref. Suicide counsel.
Dear Unkle Munky, I must raise issue with regards to the disgraceful counsel that you so flippantly extolled on the previous agoniser. Adding further to the world’s c02 emissions prior to a suicide attempt is downright selfish and disgraceful!
Unkle Munky replies - Dear Ms. Bumton, thank you for bringing this issue to my attention. I had obviously not considered the affects that my counsel might have on the planet and have since advised Martin to seek an alternative suicide route. And now, if you do not mind, I have a fridge to dump.