Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
- Munky is also available here...
This week Munky is tipping...
Fer fucks sake Munky! You can’t plagiarise Sargent Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band!
Unkle Munky says - Who?
Titanic! Don't Panic!
Sophie from Eire asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently purchased a remote-controlled model of the Titanic. It cost me over two hundred pounds, a price tag that I now regret paying as the fucking thing subsequently sank on its maiden voyage across a local pond. Can I claim a refund or what Munky breath?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Sophie, making a claim on this occasion would only reveal your inept knowledge regarding the nautical history of said vessel.
Debbie from Sollihull asks - Dear Unkle Munky, where the fuck are the slots situated on the new Apple I-Toaster? I have been trying to make a tasty toasted snack all bloody day and no mistake!
Unkle Munky says - Oh fer god’s sake!
Derek from Eastbourne asks - Dear Unkle Munky, did you receive my mail marked ‘Urgent’?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Derek, I did indeed receive the aforementioned mail. I would have replied to your space-hopper query far earlier, had I not been busy comparing the size of my erect penis to that of the national average. To be quite frank, I fail to see how these boffins can possibly calculate such figures. Six inches my arse! As to your question: I can offer very little counsel to a man who inanely provides a bright orange space-hopper as an eco-friendly alternative to a previously requested high-powered getaway car. The subsequent withdrawal of your peer’s respect is only to be expected. And now, if you do not mind, I have a complaint to lodge with the Department of Penis Control.
Ref. Tape measure.
Dear Unkle Munky, have you seen my tape measure anywhere? Since becoming pregnant I have taken up knitting and said item is pivotal to the manufacturing process. Unlike your bollocks, I would like both of my baby boots to be of the same size.
Unkle Munky replies - To be quite frank, Ms. Bumton, I fail to see how woolen boots could be beneficial to anyone. I have your tape measure here and shall return it shortly. You might be interested to note that said measuring implement is highly inaccurate! For some bizarre reason, six inches reads as five!
Louise from Maidstone asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am currently attempting to fill in an application form for a job at Tesco. I want to make myself sound more interesting than I really am, and was therefore wondering if you might have any suggestions with regards to what I might list under the ‘hobbies’ section?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Louise, having read your email I felt obliged to dig out Ms. Bumton’s application form for the position that she now holds here at Munky HQ. I can confirm that she listed the following activities under the section labelled ‘Hobbies’ -
Please List Your Hobbies Here -
Singing into a hairbrush.
Painting my nails.
Dreaming of having a baby.
Washing my lovely long hair.
Brushing my lovely long hair.
Unkle Munky adds - Jeezus! I can only assume that I employed Ms. Bumton on the strength of her impressive tits.
- Ms. Bumton’s Security Pass photo. Taken by Unkle Munky within minutes of her landing the coveted position of ’Legal advisor to a primate’.
Ref. My job application form.
Oi! Munky Features! As your legal advisor I must insist that you keep you my job application details private! If memory serves me right, I was actually interviewed for my position here at Munky HQ by your cleaner. You claimed to be far too busy at the time, though I have since learned that you were furiously masturbating over some digitally manipulated picture of the Minogue sisters! Pervert!
Harry from Toxteth asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it feasible that a person might choose to hide their true sexual preference for an entire lifetime? Both my wife and myself have recently discovered that my late Granny was a bifocal. We are both very open-minded and feel rather saddened that gran felt it necessary to conceal a side of herself that should have surely been celebrated?
Unkle Munky says - Oh fer god’s sake. Dear Harry, people choose to express their sexual preferences in different ways. Your gran’s spectacles, however, are unlikely to reveal anything about a concealed sex life.
Ref. Inane questions.
Dear Ms. Bumton, I cannot help but notice that we are receiving some right idiotic questions of late. I would appreciate a far stricter vetting procedure on your part and no mistake! Claire Rayner doesn’t get this kind of bollocks.
Ms. Bumton (Munky’s legal advisor) replies - Dear Unkle Munky, it would appear to me that anyone who is prepared to ask a munky for advise must be off their bastard head anyway?
The Turd Dimension.
Stuart from St. Helens asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I believe my toilet might be a gateway to a turd dimension. What do you think?
Unkle Munky says - Right! That does it! I am taking an early lunch! Ms. Bumton, please hold the fort for an hour or two! I need a pint and no mistake!
Diane from Yeovil asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am suffering terribly with my bra straps and was wondering if perhaps I need to purchase a bigger cup size. I am currently on my webcam and would very much welcome your wise counsel.
Ms. Bumton (Munky’s legal advisor) says - Dear Diane, I am afraid that Unkle Munky is feeling rather stressed at the moment and is currently unavailable to view your chest. However, I have studied your breast jpegs very closely and can confirm that you do indeed require a larger bra.
Susan from Somerset asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my friends tell me that my arse is even better than Kylie’s. I was wondering if you might be interested in judging it for yourself (-;
Ms. Bumton says - Dear Susan, as stated in the previous correspondence, Unkle Munky is currently enjoying a well earned break! His workload here at Munky HQ has become such that he is feeling somewhat stressed and no mistake! The last thing he needs is an oversexed female agoniser making lewd suggestions regarding her curvaceous arse!
Ref. I’m back.
Dear Ms. Bumton, thank you for holding the fort. Have I missed much?
Ms. Bumton (Munky’s legal advisor) says - You are most welcome Munky. I hope you are feeling better. You haven’t missed much at all…
- Number 1. March/April 1996
Rob from Alton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am currently working on a natural history thesis. I have covered all of the basic elements except for one, fire. The origins of the aforementioned body are proving extremely difficult to pin down. Any ideas?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Rob, I have consulted the ‘My little pony book of arson’ and can confirm that fire was invented by The Prodigy in 1996. Their number one hit single, Firestarter, was influenced greatly by said invention. Sadly, their follow-up single, ‘Egg Timer’ was less successful as, unbeknown to them, the egg timer had already been invented. I hope this helps.
- Failed to chart.
Warren from Stevenage asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that knitting is the new rock and roll or, as I suspect, is my mate pulling my plonker again?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Warren, your constant questioning of your friend’s wise counsel causes me great concern. Surely it is only a matter of time before he tires of your relentless scrutiny? I can confirm that knitting is once again currying favour with those of a trendy disposition. The birth of knitting can be traced back to one of the world’s most popular and influential bands. I refer, of course, to 60’s top pop sensation, The Beatles. I have it on good authority* that their hugely successful single, ‘A hard days night’ was originally entitled, ‘A hard days knit’.
- Source - My Little Pony book of bollocks.