Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
- Munky is also available here...
This week Munky is tipping...
Just follow the stench of Munky Musk.
Shut your mouth Bumton!
Craig from Solihull asks - Dear Unkle Munky, did you received my mail marked, ‘Urgent’?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Craig, I did indeed receive said correspondence. I would have answered far sooner had I not been busy trying to get my new digital watch to display in a twenty four format as opposed to the commonly utilised twelve. As to your query: I can only assume that your knowledge of drugs is somewhat limited. The spliff that you claim to have discovered in your daughters bedroom is in fact a tampon. I would suggest, on this occasion, that you swiftly return the aforementioned sanitary product to its rightful place.
Craig replies - Dear Unkle Munky, whilst waiting for your reply my curiosity got the better of me and I smoked the bastard thing!
Unkle Munky says - I give up.
Haley from Derby says - Dear Unkle Munky, I suffer from narcolepsy and was wonderin….
Unkle Munky says - Haley, Wake up!
Lou from London asks - Dear Unkle Munky, as a novice poker player, I was wondering if you might have any tips to offer me with regards to attaining, and subsequently keeping, a successful ‘poker face’?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Lou, I have been working tirelessly on this particular problem for quite a while. Only now, after many years of developing a complex and highly sophisticated manufacturing technique, am I able to unveil my ‘Unkle Munky fully patented poker face mask’ - Simply cut along the dotted line and affix a short length of elastic to the holes conveniently situated behind the computer aided ear design. Recouping the £150.00 price tag will not pose a problem for anyone who chooses to wear the aforementioned poker aid. Wishing you good luck would only serve to compromise my unwavering belief in this amazing product and, with this in mind, it seems only fair to pass on said wishes to your dithering adversaries. To be quite frank, they don’t stand a chance, not with this kind of technology working against them.
- Available from Boots the chemist, Texaco, Burger King, Vision Express, Argos and that women who lives at number 27 (smells of cabbage).
Mary Motion Sickness interviews Madonna.
The Unkle Munky Entertainment Spot.
Ms. Mary Motion Sickness.
Earlier this week our insensitive Entertainment Reporter, Ms. Mary Motion Sickness, met up with Madonna for a latte and a chat…
Mary - Hello Madonna, lovely to meet you. Please, take a seat.
Madonna - Thank you, but if it’s all the same to you I’ll take up my favourite yoga position on the floor.
Mary - Please ya self love.
Madonna - Sorry?
Mary - I said, ‘Please yourself’. Just don’t expect me to sit on a freezing cold floor, not with my haemorrhoids.
Madonna - Ok…
Mary - So anyway, the leotard?
Madonna - What about it?
Mary - Have you had it washed yet? You always seem to be wearing the fuckin’ thing. Your crotch must wreak to high heaven and no mistake!
Madonna - Excuse me?
Mary - Your crotch, your lady lawn, your fanny, your gash, it must stink, surely?
Madonna - You fuc*ing good for nothing piece of…
Mary - Security!
Mary - So there you have it Unkle Munky. Madonna, a foul mouthed leotard wearing pop tart with a smelly cunt.
- Mary Motion Sickness for Unkle Munky and no mistake.
Ref. Mary Motion Sickness!
Jeezus! She is a lawsuit just waiting to happen!
Ms. Bumton adds - I was right Munky. What a fantastic asset Ms. Motion Sickness is proving to be.
In the Brit!
Emily from Brentwood asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am writing with regards to an email that I sent to your offices yesterday entitled, ‘In the Brit’. I would appreciate a reply as soon as possible Unkle Munky. My livelihood could depend on your wise counsel and no mistake.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Emily, I apologise for the somewhat delayed reply to your email. Delicate ‘porn share’ negotiations were at a critical stage when your somewhat frantic correspondence entered my in-tray. Porn plays a very important part in my life and, on occasion, the agony simply has to wait. And now to your quandary: As an experienced Britney look-alike it is imperative that you mirror even the most subtle of style changes. I fail to understand your concerns regarding a couple of small tattoos? Perhaps the felt-tip pen option might be more suited to your sensitive disposition?
Emily replies - Oh fer fucks sake Munky! I am not on about her tiny tattoos! I was referring to her bastard hair!
Unkle Munky says - What’s wrong with her hair? It strikes me as a very convenient cut and no mistake.
Denise from Sodbury asks - Dear Unkle Simon, how can I convince my boyfriend that I am not seeing another man behind his back?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Denise, addressing people (or even munkys) by their own names, as opposed to that of your lover, might be a good place to start!
Christina from Farnham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, how the fcuk do I get music files onto my new Ipod? I have been attempting to download ‘Traumatised Generation’ by Bucks Fizz into the bastard thing all day! Do I need a special lead or something?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Christina, attempting to download any CD into a toaster is fraught with difficulty. I would advise, on this occasion, that you abandon these radical mp3 notions in favour of a toasted snack.
Ref. Ipod Problem.
Dear Unkle Munky, I found your reply to the previous agoniser to be rather defeatist. Perhaps Christina from Farnham should try switching the toaster off and back on again?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Bumton, your role here at Munky HQ is described in your contract as Legal advisor/general assistant. With this in mind, I would suggest that you simply get on with the task in hand and leave the serious problem solving to my good self.
PS. have you managed to unblock that toilet yet?
Munky's Unlucky Stars...
This week Munky turns the spotlight on Leos.
This is a very hectic time of the year for Leos and no mistake. I can confirm that a house move will not exactly go according to plan and that a rather unkempt removal man by the name Barry will let many of you down at the last minute. Further to your relocation problems I can confidently predicate that your new neighbours will keep you awake most nights with satanic chants based upon the hits of Wham, Take That, The Smiths and Everything But the Girl. Subsequent problems will arise when a double glazing salesman with a winning smile takes full advantage of the situation by offering you a terrible deal on replacement windows. By the end of September you will owe debt collectors in access of eighteen thousand pounds. Add this to the fact that your car will be involved in a head on collision with a stainless steel promotional cow, and I think we can safely say that 2007 is definitely going to be a year that you will want to forget.
Famous Leos include -
July 26, 1856 - George B. Shaw - Writer
August 13, 1899 - Alfred Hitchcock - Director
August 5, 1927 - Andy Warhol - Artist
August 5, 1930 - Neil Armstrong - Astronaut
July 30, 1960 - R2D2 - Robot
Disclaimer c/o Ms. Emma Bumton (Legal advisor to a smelly primate).
- All information verified as complete bollocks at source.
Dear Ms. Bumton, do my astrological skills really warrant such a seemingly cavalier disclaimer?
Ms. Bumton (Munky’s legal advisor) replies - Dear Unkle Munky, it seems safe to say that people are struggling enough as it is with your agony credentials (judging by the rather offensive emails that I vet on your behalf). Expecting highly evolved human life-forms to therefore invest their trust in a star gazing munky is, to be quite frank, unquestionably stupid. It is imperative that the disclaimer remain in place and that you shut the fuck up. Sorry, that was my hormones speaking, I am pregnant after all.
Robert from Cambridge asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that some girls are not impressed by spanners? I just purchased forty heavy duty examples of the aforementioned implement and my girlfriend has hardly batted an eyelid!?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Robert, this seems most irregular and no mistake. Perhaps you could leave said tools in various random positions around the house? I cannot imagine anyone, male of female, not being impressed with a sparkling new spanner?
Dear Unkle Munky, why is there a big dirty spanner on my desk?
Unkle Munky replies - Oh, that’s where I left it? Does it make you all hot and bothered Ms. Bumton?
Ms. Bumton says - Does it fuck! Just get it shifted!