Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
- Munky is also available here...
This week Munky is tipping...
More like, 'Personal Idiot!
Shut it Bumton!
Jason from Lambeth asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am currently working on a history project and was wondering if you could tell me what came before the ‘Iron Age’?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Jason, I have consulted my 1997 book of ‘What came before?’ and am able to confirm that, ‘The ironing board age’ preceded the aforementioned iron age. Apparently, it took three decades to get a grip on the worldwide clothes mountain and it was America who finally lobbied for the subsequent Wardrobe Age. I hope this helps. And now, if you do not mind, I have knickers to sniff.
John from Finchley asks - Dear Unkle Munky, last night my girlfriend discovered me having sex with a goat. How can I get out of this one Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Dear John, had you applied sufficient lubrication prior to the aforementioned act then this predicament need not have arisen. I can only suggest, on this occasion, that you let nature take its course.
John replies - Dismounting is not the problem, you hairy cretin! Oh forget it! I’ll email Britain’s leading agony aunt, Ms. Claire Rayner, instead. She knows far more than you do!
Unkle Munky says - I would suspect that your lurid issue would be right up her street. After all, she is surely the result of some distasteful union between man and beast!
The Austin Munky.
Gerry from Swindon asks - Dear Unkle Munky, did you receive my letter regarding Crime Watch U.K?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Gerry, I did indeed receive your letter regarding the popular crime solving programme. I would have answered far earlier had I not been stealing hubcaps from my neighbour’s Austin Munky. As to your question; Contacting the aforementioned programme with regards to your dissatisfaction does not strike me as a sensible move. The actor who played your part in the reconstruction could not have known about your unique limp and facial tik. Bringing these physical attributes to the attention of the producers will only serve to aid your imminent arrest. And now, if you do not mind, I have an auction to attend.
Ms. Bumton adds - Jeezus! That is possibly the worst car ever produced Munky!
Unkle munky says - I think you will find, Ms. Bumton, that the Austin Munky is at the cutting edge of modern day motoring! It even comes equipped, as standard, with a cassette player that can both rewind and fast forward!
Warren from Stevenage asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that the statue of liberty was modelled on 80’s pop strumpet, Cindy Lauper? To be quite frank, I suspect major plonker-pulling on the part of my mate again.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Warren, it is with deep regret that I find you questioning the wise counsel of your ever patient friend. The statue of Liberty was indeed modelled on Ms. Lauper.
Treacle Pudding Theory...
Howard from Leighton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, what are your thoughts regarding the latest ‘Treacle Pudding’ conspiracy theory? I am aware that your legal advisor, Ms. Bumton, is quite clued up on this kind of thing and I am intrigued to know her thoughts too.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Howard, Ms. Bumton is currently unavailable for comment as she applying antiseptic ointments to her weeping vagina! As to your query; Placing any credence in the latest ‘Treacle Pudding’ theory strikes me as extremely foolish. To suggest that the deaths of both Princess Diana and Elvis Presley might be linked to their fondness for the aforementioned dessert is possibly the most ridiculous notion to date. Using that particular model as our template, am I to presume that my love for Cadbury’s cream eggs will one day lead to my own untimely demise? After all, Curt Cobain did share a similar fondness! You conspiracy loonies need to sharpen up your acts and no mistake! And now, if you don’t mind, I have a shotgun to service.
Ms. Bumton adds - If you had a brain to blow out, Munky, then perhaps your argument might have some relevance. I personally think that there might be something to this ‘Treacle Pudding’ theory. I won’t have said dessert in my kitchen and no mistake. And for future reference, would you please stop drawing attention to my weeping vagina!
Unkle Munky adds - Told ya Bumton!
Ms. Bumton says - Anything reported by ex Wham star, Andrew Ridgely, should be taken with a vat of salt. He lied to us about George’s sexual orientation for years! I still haven’t forgiven him for that…
Oh fer fucks sake…
Ellen from Great Yarmouth asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that a ‘PG tips Pyramid Tea bag’ was the main influence behind the awe inspiring ancient Egyptian monuments of yesteryear?
Unkle Munky says - I fail to see any correlation between Elizabeth Taylor’s portrayal of Cleopatra and a Pyramid shaped Tea bag?
Ellen replies - Oh fer fucks sake. I’m not on about Cleopatra you hairy idiot! Oh forget about it. I’ll ask Britain’s leading agony aunt, Ms. Claire, Rayner instead! She knows far more about pyramids than you do.
Unkle Munky says - I could neither care less or agree more about your Claire Rayner statement. I would suspect that ancient relics are right up her big fat alley and no mistake! And now, if you do not mind, I have an unfortunate bowel movement to investigate.
Dave from Kirby asks - Dear Unkle Munky, did you receive my mail marked ‘Urgent and no mistake’?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Dave, the urgent letter of which you speak has been on my desk all day. I would have answered far earlier, had I not been in snack negotiations with my legal advisor, Ms. Bumton. You might be interested to note that I finally secured ownership of the last ‘Fun sized Mars bar’ by simply allowing the ex Spice Girl an early finish. Apparently she’s getting her arse waxed. As to your question; I am sure that your possessive new girlfriend will understand your plight and be more than accepting of your brave efforts. There is no shame in admitting that the tattoo artist could not fit her full name onto the limited surface area of your flaccid penis. On this occasion, ‘Sam’ will simply have to suffice.
Ref. Arse Waxing.
Fer fucks sake Munky! Removing the nation’s unwanted body hair could be achieved overnight using the wax produced by your fuckin’ ears! When I left here yesterday I merely said that I was going to get my car taxed! My lovely smooth bottom, unlike your revolting hairy arse, has no call to be waxed! Idiot!
Jim from Kent asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I currently have reason to believe that my lavatory is being visited by the restless spirit of a demonic poo. Do you think Yvette Fielding and Derek Acorah from TV’s ‘Most Haunted’ might be interested in investigating said phenomenon?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Jim, I have it on good authority that Ms. Fielding is a very busy person. Running around like a demented idiot at the merest strain of a naturally occurring sound is most tiring and no mistake. I would, on this occasion, suggest that you contact Dyno-rod before attempting any kind of supernatural investigation.
*Health and Safety Warning! The ‘Most Haunted’ crew are trained professionals. Farting in the vicinity of naked flames is not a practice that should be conducted by mere amateurs. Thank you.
Barry from Wigan asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am a big fan of wooden joints, my favourite being the awe inspiring ‘Dovetail Joint’. With this in mind, I was wondering if you might know of any clubs that might cater for my knotty interest?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Barry, I have consulted my ‘Starsky and Hutch book of joints’ and can confirm that, sadly, there are no such clubs in or around your area. In fact, the nearest Dovetail Club that I can locate is in North America. You might be interested to note, however, that a new publication entitled, ‘Dove Tales, the truth behind the veneer’ is due to hit the shops very soon.
Shaun from Fife asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am a big fan of the ‘Mortice and Tenon’ joint and was therefore wondering if your previous agoniser might like to have a fight? These dovetail loonies get right on my tits and no mistake!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Shaun, as a member of the superior race I would have expected you to show a little more understanding with regards to the differences that can often arise between yourself and your fellow-man. Barry is not harming anyone by nurturing his love of the Dovetail Joint. I would recommend that you take a good hard look at yourself Shaun. Fighting never solved anything. And anyway… everyone knows that the Dowel Joint is the best. As I am not a member of the superior race I will quite happily give you a good pasting. And now, if you do not mind, I have a hat rack to construct.
Ref. Hat Rack.
Dear Unkle Munky, why have you deemed it necessary to construct a hat rack for the Munky HQ. cloakroom? I feel that this is a complete waste of the earth’s natural resources. After all, neither of us even wear the aforementioned apparel.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Bumton, it is important that we consider the needs of any future visitors. I can confirm, incidentally, that the earth’s resources were not threatened during the manufacturing prossess. The materials used in the construction of my diy hat rack were stolen directly from a B&Q superstore. I hope this meets with your approval and that your period ends soon.
P.S. Just out of interest, what is your favourite joint?
Ms. Bumton replies, oh fer fuck’s sake Munky! Why, whenever I ask you a reasonable question, do you always assume that I am on my period? I am pregnant you hairy cretin! As to your joint inquiry: Though I doubt that there are many young ladies reading your tacky column, I must still take into account that I am very much seen as a role model in their eyes. With this in mind, I cannot possibly associate myself with any kind of drug taking!
P.S. I really like the picture that you have put up behind my desk. I love nature.
Unkle Munky says - Ahem, yes it’s very pretty isn’t it?