Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
- Munky is also available here...
This week Munky is tipping...
We don't need him anymore...
Put a sock in it Bumton!
Mary Motion Sickness...
Ref. Entertainment reporter?
Dear Unkle Munky, with regards to your advertisement for an Entertainment Reporter. I know just the girl! She has a no nonsense approach to journalism and comes complete with a jet black gothic haircut, a cut and colour that would act as a stunning contrast when viewed against my own golden locks.
Unkle Munky says - This is not a bloody hair salon Ms. Bumton. I do, however, have a soft spot for Goths and am therefore willing to give her a go. Tell me, what is her name?
Ms. Bumton replies - Her name is Mary Motion Sickness and looks not unlike that Siouxsie woman from 80’s pop combo, ’Siouxsie and the Banshees’.
Unkle Munky says - She's got the job!
Angela from Stains asks - Dear Unkle Munky, earlier today I successfully created a ‘coldfusion nuclear reaction’ in my mums washing machine. The implications are mind blowing and with just a little tweaking I am sure that I can meet most (if not all) of the world’s energy needs. This aside, what programme do I need to select for my woollies?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Angela, well done indeed on your recent discovery. I think we were all beginning to get a little restless with regards to the looming energy crisis. Thanks to both yourself and your mum’s washing machine we can now put these troubling concerns behind us. As to your woollies query, I would recommend programme ‘J’. A forty degree wash with a gentle spin is just the ticket for those fleecy washday blues. Well done again!
Sarah from Lewisham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, did you receive my letter marked with horse manure?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Sarah, I did indeed receive your stinky bloody mail! I would have replied far earlier had I not found myself in the middle of an involuntary erection incident. As to your letter; I am sure that your ‘horse whisperer’ boyfriend simply forgot himself for a moment? His attempting to feed you a sugar lump whilst whispering sweet-nothings into your ear could, after all, be interpreted as an affection act on his part. I feel that your initial response may have been a little reactionary and would advise that you insert the artificial horsetail into your rectum as originally requested.
The Unkle Munky Entertainment Spot.
Introducing Ms. Mary Motion Sickness.
Earlier this week our insensitive Entertainment reporter, Ms. Mary Motion Sickness, met up with garage music luminary, Mr. Craig David.
Mary - Hello Craig, lovely to meet you. Please, take a seat.
Craig - Thank you.
Mary - So now then, why the stupid beard?
Craig - Pardon me?
Mary - The beard? It looks really dumb. Is it drawn on with a marker pen or what?
Craig - ………
Mary - Security!
Mary - So there you have it. Craig David, stupid beard, daft hat, and really quite upset.
*Mary Motion Sickness for Unkle Munky and no mistake.
Ref. Mary Motion Sickness.
Unkle Munky says - What the fuc…?
Ms. Bumton replies - I told ya she was good!
Graham from Hove asks - Dear Unkle Munky, how on earth are model ships inserted into bottles?
Ref. Inane questions.
Dear Ms. Bumton, once again I must call your moderating skills into question. The previous enquiry regarding a ship in a bottle is hardly going to appeal to my discerning reader. May I suggest that you email Graham from Hove and explain to him that his problems are not yet serious enough to be discussed on the pages of Unkle Munky.
Charlotte from Dewsbury asks - Dear Unkle Munky, how can I best prepare my twelve year old daughter for her first period?
Unkle Munky says - So anyway, going back to Graham from Hove, the model ships of which you speak are constructed with collapsible ’spring-loaded’ masts. Such techniques enable the contemporary modeller to insert and position said nautical study into almost any kind of bottle that they choose. Thank you for your very interesting question.
Ms. Bumton (Munky’s legal advisor) adds - Pathetic!
Lypsyl & Sympathy...
Warren from Stevenage asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that Boy George was the first person to climb mount Everest or, as I suspect, is my mate pulling my plonker again?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Warren, I can confirm that ‘The Boy’ was indeed the first person to climb said mountain. The expedition was not without incident however, and it was a distressed George who appeared live on that weeks edition of Top of the pops (1983). “Everything had gone as planned…”, explained the pale chameleon in a recent interview for ‘Dogging weekly’ magazine, “…but disaster struck when I realised that I had neglected to pack my cherry flavoured lip-balm. I could have died and no mistake. Luckily, my eyeliner and blusher were in my backpack and I was still able to make myself presentable for the Top of the pops performance”. Within hours of the aforementioned broadcast George was snow-boarded to the safety of an emergency disco where highly trained lip medics were on standby with ‘Lypsyl’ and sympathy. So as you can see Warren, your mate was not pulling your plonker. When will you learn to trust his wise council? And now, if you do not mind, I have a pregnancy test to verify.
Ms. Bumton (Munky's legal advisor) - Pregnant?
Jane from Aberystwyth asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that your legal advisor, Ms. Emma Bumton, is pregnant?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Jane, after some confusion I can confirm that Ms. Bumton is indeed expecting a smelly bundle of hassle. Sadly, Emma still refuses to admit to our intoxicated pre-Xmas fumble and also remains adamant that my ‘Musky Munky’ cologne was solely responsible for her casual acceptance to pose semi-naked for the ensuing advertisement campaign. I would like to take this opportunity to refute all allegations made against me with regards to said incident. Having peed on Ms. Bumton’s original pregnancy tester, I would also like confirm that I am not responsible for her current state. Emma is expecting to ‘drop the sprog’ at some stage during the summer and, agony permitting, I will probably allow her that particular day off.
Ref. My Pregnancy.
I will be taking far longer than a day off Munky! You might be interested to note that human rights are somewhat more evolved than those of a munky. I could be absent for months, and there is fcuk all that you can do about it! Our Xmas fumble was a mistake and the fact that ‘Trading Standards’ swiftly removed your ‘House of Munky’ cologne from the shelves only strengthens my claim regarding the state of my mind during that ‘career shattering’ photo shoot. Please do not use this memo as an excuse to post that bloody awful advertisement again!
Ms. Bumton says - Wanker!