Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
- Munky is also available here...
This week Munky is tipping...
Shut it Bumton!
Basket case in space...
Shaun from Fulham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that NASA are planning another trip to the moon? I am very interested in space exploration and was wondering if one day I may actually stand a chance of realising my dream to walk upon the surface of said planet?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Shaun, NASA are indeed considering another moon landing at some stage in the near future. I would suggest, however, that you do not allow yourself to get too excited. If anyone is going first, it will be my good self. They have already shown an interest in my ‘Space basketball’ experiment and I will not have some young upstart ruining my chances of having an exciting ride on the shuttle!
Dave from Brighton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am a big fan of the ‘10mm combination spanner’ and was wondering if there were any clubs in or around the vicinity of Brighton?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Dave, I have consulted the latest edition of ‘Spannerhead’ (essential reading for the serious spanner enthusiast) and can confirm that the only ‘10mm combination spanner’ fan club in Britain is actually based in Glasgow. You might, however, be interested to note that there is a ‘12mm combination spanner’ fan club in Brighton itself! Good times!
Dave replies - to be quite frank, Unkle Munky, I am not too keen on the 12mm combination spanner. I have always been of the mind that those two extra millimetres are nothing but a spanner related V sign to those of us who prefer the smaller nut.
Greg from Glasgow asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am a fan of the ‘12mm combination spanner’ and would like to have a fight with your previous agoniser! His disrespect for said tool has upset me and my spanner friends greatly.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Greg, I cannot be seen to condone this kind of behaviour and would appreciate both you and Dave taking your spanner related problems elsewhere. And now, if you do not mind, I have an ‘8mm combination spanner’ meeting to attend! Good day!
Angela from Stains asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I was wondering if you had received my whiter than white letter yet?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Angela, I did indeed receive your spring-fresh letter this morning but was unable to reply as I was giving my legal advisor, Ms. Bumton, an emergency fire hose demonstration. As to your question; Simply discovering a washing powder that will clean your laundry at thirty degrees as opposed to forty degrees does not entitle you to a Nobel peace prize. And now, if you do not mind, I have a legal advisor to dry off ;-p
Hosing down Ms. Bumton...
Ref. Fire hose demonstration.
Dear Bollocks, I must bring you to task with regards to the aforementioned emergency fire hose demonstration! As an ex Spice girl I am more than capable of pulling a fuckin’ hose and turning on a bastard tap! I can only assume that your intentions were dishonourable and that the whole ‘demonstration’ was merely a ploy to get me wet!
Unkle Munky replies - Phhoooaarrr, I love it when you talk dirty. Do not worry your pretty little head, Ms. Bumton, I will be over with a fluffy towel in just a jiffy. I would advise, incidentally, that you slip out of those steaming panties. According to my 1930’s book of vaginal discharge, there is a very high chance that such conditions could inflame your gonorrhea.
'Ms. Bumton says - Will you shut the fuck up about my gonorrhea!
Dan from the West Midlands asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that potatoes were used as measuring implements during the confusing switchover from imperial to metric?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Dan, what a ludicrous question. What on earth gave you that idea? Surely everyone knows that celery was the main unit of measurement during those bewildering times?
Cindy from Bury asks - Dear Unkle Munky, are there any cheaper alternatives to fake tanning lotions? I am going abroad in July and don’t want to stand out like a sore bum.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Cindy, I think you mean thumb? According to my legal advisor, Ms. Bumton, a suitable alternative can be found in most kitchen cupboards. She swears by ‘HP Fruity sauce’ and says that she smears herself with it on a daily basis. I guess that explains my constant hunger pangs then? And now, if you do not mind, I have a snack to prepare.
My Little Pony Magazine...
Carl from Oxfordshire asks - Dear Unkle Munky, where on earth can I get a copy of that ‘Spannerhead’ magazine? I feel like Ms. Lisa Stansfiled and her missing munky… Though admittedly I have not travelled around the world in search of said publication.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Carl, as with ‘My Little Pony’ magazine, ‘Spannerhead’ is generally kept beneath the newsagent’s counter.
Caroline from Crewe asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that Munky HQ is currently looking for a, ‘Showbiz Reporter’? I fail to see the connection between celebrity and agony and was therefore wondering if you could enlighten my good self?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Caroline, the link between celebrity and agony is far closer than you might imagine. It is my intention to employ a reporter who has the sensitivity of a trained negotiator and the guile of a… PC World employee. Exposing the problems of those we admire can often help us to deal more positively with our own shortcomings. I, for instance, recently discovered that Fatboy Slim also has one bollock bigger than the other. Said information helped to boost my confidence enormously and it was this very event that sparked my new venture. So, in short, I can confirm that Unkle Munky is indeed advertising for a Showbiz Reporter.
Ref. Fatboy Slim.
I doubt his penis is as small as yours though Munky!
Unkle Munky says - Will you please shut the fuck up about the diminutive dimensions of my precious penis! I will have you know that it is a ‘grower’, not a ’show-er’.