Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
- Munky is also available here...
This week Munky is tipping...
Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse…
Just leave it Bumton!
Jack from Stoke asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my three year old daughter recently painted this picture of me. What do you think?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Jack, I would need to see a recent photograph before commenting on your daughters ability to capture your likeness. To be quite frank, my first impressions are not favourable.
For god’s sake Munky! The child is only three years old!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Bumton, your age-ist attitude will not be tolerated on the pages of Unkle Munky! I would suggest that you email an apology without delay to both Jack and his struggling artist of a daughter. Disgraceful behaviour!
Syd from Barnsley asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that smoking dried banana skin can make you high?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Syd, I have been testing your suggestion since 9am this morning and can confirm that I am anything but high.
Ref. Weird head.
Dear Unkle Munky, I may just step out for some fresh air. I have one of my light heads coming on again.
P.S. You look quite dishy today.
Unkle Munky says - Blimey, this shit is good and no mistake!
Nigel from Guernsey asks - Dear Unkle Munky, how can I convince my educated girlfriend that I love her for her mind as well as her body?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Nigel, simply extolling the gift of skimpy underwear should convince your sexy girlfriend that you are thoroughly committed to this intelligent relationship.
Ms. Bumton (Munky’s legal advisor) adds - Fuckin’ useless.
John from Northampton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, how come some poos float and some don’t?
Unkle Munky says - Dear John, this is the kind of agony that Ms. Claire Rayner (Britain’s alleged leading agony aunt) would simply refuse to answer. I, on the other hand, am more than willing to tackle these tricky social issues and have spent the last two days carrying out extensive research on said subject. Having gorged myself on numerous foodstuffs, I have come to the conclusion that any diet containing ‘Cheesy Wotsits’ will cause minor faecal floating anomalies. Perhaps the aforementioned snack should be re-branded as ‘Cheesy Wotshits’?
Ms. Bumton (Unkle Munky’s legal advisor) adds - Oh fer fucks sake Munky! Must you always talk shit when I am about to eat my lunch? There’s another Tuna & Mayonnaise sandwich on my desk if you want it! I swear you do this on purpose.
P.S. Please cover your cock up before swinging over to my corner of the office. Wanker!
The Pete Doherty Book of Healthy Living.
Simone from Rochester asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my family doctor recently recommended that I try to eat a mixture of at least five fruit and veg per day. I lead a very active life and find it quite difficult to fit this kind of diet into my schedule. Do you have any tips that might help me overcome my fruity problem?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Simone, I have consulted my ‘Pete Doherty Book of Healthy Living’ and can confirm that said information is indeed correct. Having both the time and the inclination to eat such large amounts of blandness is a problem that Pete deals with in the aforementioned publication (available at all good drugstores for a nod and a wink). Apparently, according to Mr. Doherty, busy people with busy lives need only shove a Rowntrees Fruit Pastel into their gobs. With lemon, lime, strawberry, orange… and that black one, you will surely reach your recommended daily allowance in no time! Good luck Simone.
Derek from Dublin asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have recently landed the part of a slimy pimp in, ‘Starsky & Hutch the musical’. The role requires that I grow a bushy 1970’s style moustache and, with this in mind, I was wondering if you might have any tips with regards to cultivating said facial embellishment?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Derek, I have taken the liberty of forwarding your email onto my legal advisor, Ms. Emma Bumton. She seems to be an expert in this field.
Fuck off Munky!
Magic my arse...
Vernon from Battersby asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my girlfriend has stopped going out with me simply because she has discovered that I am a novice magician. Do you think she might be worried that I may have designs on making her disappear?
'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Vernon, I can only assume that your bright girlfriend is of the same opinion as my good self. Most magicians are, without doubt, complete and utter toss pots.
Dear Unkle Munky, your sweeping generalisations regarding the conjuror’s art are both despicable and reprehensible. My previous boyfriend was a magician and he was a lovely man!
Unkle Munky replies - Dear Ms. Bumton, if your previous ‘magical’ boyfriend was so fuckin’ good he would have spirited away your weeping gonorrhea instead of running into the arms of a disease-free ex!
Ms. Bumton says - Will you please shut the fuck up about my local difficulty! Isn’t it bad enough that you have, without any consultation, branded me as ‘The face of gonorrhea 2007′? Your bastard billboards are ruining my life Munky!