Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
- Munky is also available here.
This week Munky is tipping...
Shut it Bumton!
The Book of Sex...
Debbie from Wigan asks - Dear Unkle Munky, did you receive my questionably stained mail?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Debbie, your letter arrived at my desk after a fortnight with forensics. I would have replied far earlier had I not been in the middle of trimming unsightly nasal hair. Still, it was worth it as my legal advisor, Ms. Bumton now looks much tidier. As to your question - I have consulted my ‘1933 book of sex’ and can confirm that sitting on a chair recently vacated by a boy does indeed increase your chances of pregnancy. I would suggest that you hang a turnip around your neck, say ten hail Kylie’s and avoid unisex hair salons for approximately three weeks.
Paul from Rochester asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that Kate Bush is a born again Christian?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Paul, how many bloody times must I say this!? Kate Bush is a Leo! Jeezus!
Gareth from Newbury asks - Dear Unkle Munky, the rear tyre on my bicycle seems to have a puncture. How would I be best advised to deal with said problem?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Gareth, simply stealing another bike will put an end to your deflated woes.
Ref. Stealing anomaly.
Dear Unkle Munky, I must raise issue with the previous counsel regarding the theft of bicycles. As your legal advisor I must insist that you detract said advice immediately. Failure to comply with my suggestion could lead to prosecution, or even a slap.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Bumton, thank you for bringing this matter to my attention. I had no idea that my well-intentioned reply might carry such dire consequences. You might be relieved to note that I have, since your interjection, contacted Gareth privately via the gift of email. I trust that my alternative suggestion meets with your approval and that you have no objections to Gareth stealing a puncture repair kit from Halfords?
Ms. Bumton (Munky’s legal advisor) replies - I give up!
Warren from Stevenage asks - Dear Unkle Munky, did you receive my mail sent via the gift of carrier Magpie?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Warren, I am afraid that your faith in the notoriously disloyal Magpie courier service has proved itself to be ill-placed. I would recommend that you try again via the ever trusty pigeon route.
Freddie Mercury Fact File...
For Alan, who has a Freddie Mercury exam pending…
Unkle Munky’s Factually Inaccurate Facts.
- Pictured - Freddie as a child.
Born during a frenzied Polo Mint storm in the late autumn of 1945, Freddie Mercury was, by all accounts, a natural born star. His formative years, however, were to prove less than happy. “As we were unable to settle on a name…”, explained his mother in an interview for ‘My Little pony’ magazine, “…we thought it fairer all-round to put the little fella up for adoption. To be quite frank, we were also growing weary of the jibes regarding his somewhat premature development.”
Bullied at school for simply having a better moustache than most of his tutors, Freddie was to become both introverted and aloof. His time spent alone, however, was not needlessly wasted on self-pity. “Utilising a disposable cigarette lighter to spark my imagination…”, explained a pre-dead Fred in an interview for ‘Ultimate ironing magazine’, “…I was able to pen songs that would eventually leave their mark upon a repressed generation.”
A triumphant set at ‘Live Maid’ (a charity event organised to help highlight the plight of sexually underprivileged chambermaids throughout the UK) helped to secure Queen the title of, ‘Best Band in the World for Now’. “We knew that we were onto something when we overheard Bob the builder whistling Bohemian Rhapsody as he went about his daily ‘fixing’ duties,” said a tired and somewhat emotional Brain May in an extremely short interview for ‘Munky Moments’ Magazine.
My suggestion that Lulu might one day fill Freddie’s stilettos was to be the undoing of my time with Brian. Sadly, due to my own insensitivity, I was unable to learn more about the latter stages of Mercury’s colourful life, and for this I sincerely apologise.
- Pictured - Brian May of Queen.
Verified as bollocks by The British Board of Bullshit.
Ted from Newport asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my recently irrigated girlfriend refuses to give me a blow job! Can I make a claim?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ted, I would suggest in this instance that you speak to her ex-boyfriends. Building a profile of her previous sexual exploits could potentially provide you with the evidence required to move forward with this case. Proving that your partner has previously performed oral sex on other men would undoubtedly strengthen your claim for sex discrimination. It seems to me that she has no idea of the anguish and pain that she is causing here! Women can be so insensitive at times.
Ref. Talking bollocks.
Dear Unkle Munky, I must protest in the strongest possible terms about your previous reply regarding oral sex. No offence has been committed on the part of the lady in question. Performing oral sex on one man and not on another is a personal choice and no law in the land is going to suggest otherwise! I would recommend that you contact Ted from Newport immediately with a view to informing him of your insensitive cock up! You are a disgrace Munky! And please, stop playing with your scrotum!
Unkle Munky replies - Dear Ms. Bumton, thank you once again for bringing the letter of the law to my attention. You might be both interested and relieved to note that I have since contacted Ted, and trust that you have no qualms with the cheeky chappie obtaining said relief via a local massage parlour?
Ms. Bumton replies - Oh fer fucks sake Munky!
Fiona from Youville asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently attempted to use one of those photo-booths as I need a new picture for my passport. I followed all of the onscreen instructions and even managed to keep my eyes open during the flashes. Imagine then, my disappointment as the pesky machine presented me with the following picture. Can I claim a refund?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Fiona, it would seem to me that a modern-day media has made us all a little too self-critical of our general appearances. Your masculine features may appear somewhat highlighted in this photograph, but that does not mean to say that someone somewhere will not find you attractive. Successfully claiming a refund for simply possessing too much testosterone is highly unlikely. You must learn to accept who you are, just as my legal advisor, Ms. Bumton has had to accept who she is.
Claire from Yoville replies - Oh fer fuck’s sake Munky! The man in the photograph is not me! That is the problem… Oh forget it, I’ll go to Britain’s leading agony aunt, Ms. Claire Rayner, instead! You are shit at this kind of thing and no mistake!
Unkle Munky notes - It grieves me to witness self denial on such a huge scale. I can only hope that we have all learned something here today. Good luck Fiona.