Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
- Munky is also available here.
This week Munky is tipping...
Ms. Bumton (Munky’s legal advisor) asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am confused. This weeks Munky tip is far too contemporary? Are you feeling okay? What happened to ‘Wuthering Munky’ by Ms. Kate Bush, I thought she was lined up to be this weeks cover star?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Bumton, confusion is merely a state of being blonde. May I suggest that you add auburn highlights until such a time that the chaos within your head eases? You might be interested to note that the accompanying video to this weeks ‘Munky tip’ features some of my distant cousins and a rather familiar rodent. Ms. Bush, incidentally, rather than being this weeks cover star, is in fact a Leo! And now, if you don not mind, I have a hoodie to order from www.in.da.hood.co.no…hang/on/a/sec…is.it.com/or/net?
P.S. Would you like to purchase my Accciiieedd house bandana (it’s so yesterday).
Ms. Bumton adds - Shove your Bandana up your hairy arse Munky! You are obviously going through some kind of weird identity crisis and I, being of blonde mind, have no intention of getting involved! And now, if you do not mind, I have panty liners to repair!
Steve from Bury Slough asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I must protest at the way both yourself and that Bumton woman run, ‘Unkle Munky’! How can you possibly counsel troubled souls when you are forever bickering? You, for your part (and I hear it is quite a repulsive part) seem to be preoccupied with sex, food and woodwork! Whereas Bumton is either attempting to seduce children’s television characters (Fireman Sam) or is sharing some personal hygiene issue with us that bears no relevance to the problem at hand! This is not the kind of service I was expecting and, if your attitudes do not change, I shall have no option but to take my agony elsewhere! Good day to you!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Steve, firstly and most importantly, my legal advisor is addressed as either Ms. or Emma! She is an integral part of ‘Unkle Munky’ and I would be lost without her. Ms. Bumton’s involvement with Fireman Sam helped enormously with regards to our securing the relative safety certificates and I shall be forever grateful to her for wanking the little fella off. To be quite frank, I find her personal hygiene issues quite arousing. I suppose this is wrong too is it!?
Ms. Bumton (Munky’s legal advisor) adds - Ahem, actually Munky, your finding my personal hygiene issues a turn-on is considered somewhat irregular amongst those of a human persuasion. You were doing so well up until that point too.
Ms. Bumton (Munky’s legal advisor) says - Oi, Banana Breath - What the fcuk do you think you are doing!? You have absolutely no right whatsoever to spread my vaginal discharge around like this! My trip to the local STD clinic was a private and personal matter! You might get some weird perverted pleasure from advertising my sexual woes on your nasty little column, but I can assure you that I do not! You wanker!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Bumton, you are currently playing into the hands of the previous client (that moaning Steve from Bury bloke). We must attempt to put this bickering behind us and get on with the job in hand (and I am not referring to the carnal gratification of sexually underprivileged firemen!) Your recent vaginal discharge problem should not, and will not, be swept under any carpet of mine! You have a duty, as the legal advisor to the world’s number one agony primate (yes I know I’m the only one before you get smart) to express yourself openly on such issues. For some bizarre reason, Ms. Bumton, you are a modern day role model. Your vagina is, for all intents and purposes, public property. With this in mind I have commissioned the erection of several hundred billboards displaying the above picture. Come on, cheer up - You are the new face of Gonorrhoea! Congratulations!
Ms. Bumton reaplies - You shit!
One Small Step...
Warren from Stevenage asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that two rather camp comediennes, popular around the 60’s and the 70’s, were actually the first men to walk upon the moon? Is it also true that NASA successfully covered-up said mission for almost forty years or, as I suspect, is my mate pulling my plonker again?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Warren, I can confirm that the information gleaned from your friend is indeed correct. You really must learn to put more trust in his counsel! Here is a small taste of the recently leaked transcript.
Larry - Oh, I’m shattered and no mistake. Houston, are you there love?
NASA - Affirmative, this is Houston. Go Ahead…
Larry - Just to let you know that ‘The Beagle’ has landed sweetie.
NASA - Ahem. Well done boys! This is indeed a momentous occasion. Remain in your seats and await further instructions. And it’s ‘The Eagle’ you tit!
Larry - Oo, get her!
John - Oh bugger this Larry, I need to stretch my legs. Open the hatch.
Larry - Oo, I bet ya say that to all the spacemen!
Larry - Oo, isn’t it dusty? Mind ya step John.
John - Oo, you’re not wrong. I couldn’t live in this kind of atmosphere, not with my nasal passages.
Larry - Oo, I heard you were having problems with your passages again, have you been to see a doctor?
John - Well I have, but to be quite frank, I wasn’t happy with his examination techniques. He didn’t once ask me to remove my top!
NASA - Oh fer god’s sake! This is meant to be an historical event, could you at least say something meaningful guys?
Larry - Ooooo, hark at him! Give them a bit of authority…
John - I suppose we should put the flag up?
Larry - Yeah, hang on a second… it’s in here somewhere (searches contents of backpack) . Just hold my sunblock for a moment would ya John?
John - Oo, you use factor 30 like me. Do you apply aftersun too?
Larry - Oh yes, aftersun is a must with my combination skin.
NASA - Oh fer fcuks sake! Forget it! Get back into the capsule and erase this from memory! We’ll send some butch Americans up later in the year.
John - Well that suits me fine! It’s deader than Judy Garland up here anyway! Fancy a Twix Larry?
Larry - Oo, me favourite! I’ve long been partial to a chocolate finger or two…
NASA - Give me fcukin’ strength…
Another Diana Conspiracy Theory...
Ian from Luton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, what are your thoughts on the latest Diana conspiracy theory?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ian, there may indeed be physical similarities between Ms. Diana Ross and Michael Jackson but, to be quite frank, the current rumours regarding cloning are almost as ridiculous as the rumours linking my good self to the decline in Coco-Pops sales.
Ref. Diana conspiracy.
Dear Unkle Munky, I have no idea where you are getting your conspiracy theories from, but I am quite sure that it cannot be from the same source as both myself and the previous client. Ian from Luton was quite obviously referring to ‘Carrotgate’. Perhaps you should borrow my copy of, ‘The Weekly Conspirator’? It is jam packed with confusing conjecture regarding the untimely death of Princess Di, conjecture that surely proves (with a reasonable doubt) that a pesky carrot was indeed to blame for her sad demise!
Unkle Munky replies - Dear Ms. Bumton, thank you for correcting my minor mistake regarding this query. I look forward to seeing said article and will impart my wise words just as soon as I am through the explanation process. And now, if you do not mind, I have an X-rated wordsearch to colour in.
The Stupidest Creature in The World...
Louise from Farnham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that munkys are the stupidest creatures in the world?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Louise, no it bloody-well isn’t true! It would appear to me that said accolade must surely go to the flamingo. The dumb bird has two perfectly good legs but, for reasons best know to itself, insists on using just the one.
Ref. Moderating duties!
Dear Ms. Bumton, I would appreciate a little more tact on your behalf with regards to the questions posed to my good self! The previous enquiry, for instance, made me look like a proper twit and no mistake! I would suggest you stop daydreaming about finally freeing yourself of gonorrhea and put your mind to the job in hand!
Ms. Bumton replies - Dear Banana boy, the previous agoniser is not the only person to question the intelligence of munkys! Whilst I am thorough with regards to eradicating the innumerable offensive letters and emails that you receive, I must (as Britain’s foremost legal advisor to a primate) remain true to those who require straight-forward answers to straight-forward questions. I personally thought your reply was both cheap and inflammatory. The Flamingo’s ability to stand on one leg surely proves an intelligence higher than that of a munky who, after all, finds it difficult to stand on two! And now, if you do not mind, I have prescribed ointments to apply!
Unkle Munky says - Bitch!
Ian from Luton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, are you up-to-speed on the latest Diana conspiracy yet? If you are, what are your thoughts?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ian, the article in ‘The Daily Conspirator’, regarding Princess Di’s death, is conjecture of the worst kind. The tunnel in which she met her tragic end was quite clearly, and more than adequately, illuminated. To therefore suggest that the driver’s attention may have been momentarily breached whilst reaching for a carrot (to help him see in the dark) strikes me as faintly ludicrous. I am afraid that you conspiracy loonies will have to come-up with something much more believable than this! And now, if you do not mind, I have a new copy of Windows ‘84 to install.