Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
This week Munky is tipping...
Ms. Bumton (Unkle Munkys legal advisor) says - Could we blow up the Munky instead?
Unkle Munky says - Fcuk off Bumton!
Dear Unkle Munky, what the fcuk is that on your head?
P.S. Do we have a date yet for the hunky Fire Officer’s annual safety visit?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Bumton, if you must know, I am wearing a lovely bandana complete with smiley motif. Anymunky who’s anymunky is wearing them this season. I would not expect you to be abreast of such things! With regards to the aforementioned visit by the pesky Fire Officer, I have it on good authority that he will be with us on Friday. I would appreciate a copy of the ‘Emergency Evacuation Procedure’ at your earliest possible convenience. I have been requesting said document all bastard week! Get your finger out Bumton.
PS. Do not be alarmed if you hear me shouting, ‘Accciieedddd’ whilst waving my arms in the air. All of the street-wise munky’s are doing it.
Ms. Bumton (Unkle Munky’s legal advisor) replies - You are so out of date Munky! The ‘Emergency Evacuation Procedure’ will be on your desk first thing. I am taking another extended lunch break as I have botox to inject and lacy underwear to purchase. I simply cannot wait to meet this sexy Fire Officer.
Unkle Munky says - Both useless and disgraceful, you’re quite a catch Ms. Bumton and no mistake.
Donna from Elsmere asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently awoke from a twenty year coma. With the help of my friends and family I am steadily starting to get my life back on track. As part of my gradual reintegration into society I will be attending a party, held in my honour, on Saturday night. I have decided to wear my fluorescent green leggings, a silver boob-tube and a stunning electric-blue puffball skirt. With this in mind, do you think I should wear white stilettos or black?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Donna, though I enjoy the odd lazy lie-in myself, I do consider twenty years to be a little excessive. I sincerely hope that you meet someone soon who makes facing the day seem a little more appealing. I am sure that your stylish party outfit will go some way to helping you achieve this desirable goal. With road safety taking precedence over fashion, I have no choice but to recommend that you opt for the white stilettos. You might also wish to consider wearing a bandanna on your head. Yes Donna, fashion has moved on a pace since you last slept in.
Simon from Hammersmith asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have recently completed an advanced paper-folding course and was wondering if my latest effort might warrant some kind of award? I am very proud of it and might eventually exhibit said piece if the general reaction is favourable.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Simon, your latest paper-folding creation is, to be quite frank, both astounding and awe inspiring. Your attention to detail is simply breathtaking. I cannot begin to imagine how many man-hours you must have spent deliberating the precise nature of each intricate fold. You have single-handedly captured the essence of a thriving metropolis with a realism that can only be matched by reality itself. I would certainly recommend that you exhibit said piece. May I be the first to congratulate you in advance of the awards that are certain to come your way. Well done indeed!
Simon replies - Dear Unkle Munky, with regards to my previous origami query - I do apologise, I accidentally posted one of my holiday snaps by mistake. Here is the picture I meant to send…
Unkle Munky says - Oh fer fucks sake!
Emergency Evacuation Procedure.
Ref. Emergency Procedure Bollocks.
Dear Unkle Munky, here is the ‘Emergency Evacuation Procedure’ that you have been banging on about.
P.S. What time is the handsome fire officer arriving?
Munky HQ. Emergency Evacuation Procedure.
Only break the ‘Emergency Fire Alarm’ glass panel if one or more of the following criteria are in place -
1. You see flames.
2. You smell or see smoke.
3. You require an extended lunch break.
Q. I have activated the Munky HQ. Alarm panel, what must I do next? A. Clean up any glass that may have fallen to the floor during the activation process. Unkle Munky does employ a part time cleaning mouse, but his insurance premium will rocket if the rodent cuts himself whilst under the primates supervision.
Q. Okay, I have activated the fire alarm and disposed of the aforementioned glass. What should I do now? A. Having cleared away those dangerous shards of glass, we must now turn our attentions to your personal hygiene issues. Check your armpits for unsavoury body odours and apply the relative deodorants before attempting to progress any further with said emergency procedure.
Q. Fuckin’ hell! Ok, I have disposed of those pesky shards of glass and sprayed my armpits with House of Munky’s, ‘Unisex crisis armpit spray’. What should I do now (it’s getting really quite bad in here). A. I sense a note of discord in your tone and would suggest that you take a moment to gather your thoughts! I am doing my best here and no mistake!
Q. Okay. I apologise. It is just rather warm and I am having trouble breathing. I have safely disposed of the broken glass panel and have sprayed my armpits with ‘House of Munky’s excellent unisex deodorant. What does the procedure recommend that I do next? A. That’s better! Your life may very well be in danger, but there is no excuse for bad manners. Having activated the fire alarm, disposed of any broken glass and sprayed your armpits, it is now time to check you hair. You must be aware that during any kind of emergency procedure there is always the possibility of televised coverage. One must always endeavour to look ones best for the media (especially if you are an ex-Spice Girl).
Q. I do not have any hair left, you fcuking moron! It has all been singed off and no mistake! I refuse to follow your shit procedure any further! You are a disgrace and will be hearing from my solicitor in due cour…. A. Somehow, I don’t think we will.
Ref. Fire officer visit/Emergency procedure.
Dear Ms. Bumton, that all appears to be in order. I cannot see the Fire Officer having any problems with our emergency evacuation plans. Apparently, he will be with us just as soon as he has finished greasing up a fireman’s pole?
P.S. Are you wearing a wonderbra? Your tits look bigger today.
Ms. Bumton replies - What, this old thing? It’s just something I threw on in a hurry, along with my low-cut top, miniskirt and fishnet stockings. Nothing special. I am just popping out to the cornershop for a packet of mints.
Janet from Essex asks - Dear Unkle Munky, have you ever experimented with drugs?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Janet, I have indeed experimented with drugs. During the summer of 2004 I set fire to various narcotics and duly recorded the colourful affects witnessed. My results can be found in the ‘The Annual Arsonist Handbook 2004′ (Recommended Retail Price £2.99 - Includes a free guide to some of Britain’s favourite fire damaged properties).
- Source - The Annual Arsonist Handbook (2004)
The Fire Officer's Arrival...
Ref. Fire Officer’s Arrival.
Dear Ms. Bumton, could you stop pampering yourself for a moment and show Fireman Sam around the building please.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Bumton! There is nothing idiotic about Fireman Sam! Your behaviour this week has been little short of disgraceful! Fireman Sam is going out of his way to help us illegally gain the relative ‘fire safety’ certificates. I have it on good authority that no other fire officer worth his hose-pipe would approve this wreck of a building! With this in mind, I must insist that you hitch up your skirt a little higher and get on with the job in hand!
Ms. Bumton replies - Munky, you are such a wanker!