Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
This week Munky is tipping...
Ms. Bumton (Unkle Munky’s legal advisor) adds - Well it makes a change from the pervert playing with himself!
Unkle Munky says - Shut it Bumton!
Skirting Around the Issue...
Paul from Buxton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I cannot help but feel the my wife’s skirts are far too short! What on earth can I do?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Paul, perhaps you should seriously consider purchasing your own skirts from now on?
Ms. Bumton (Unkle Munky's legal advisor) adds - Fcuking hopeless!
Ref. Fire Procedure.
Dear Ms. Bumton, I have been informed by the local council that, later this week, we are to be visited by one of those meddling fire officers. With this in mind, could you please scribble down some kind of ‘Emergency Fire Procedure’ and stick it somewhere prominent… Perhaps your chest would suffice?
Ms. Bumton replies - Yes! Brilliant! Oh I love firemen. I shall attend to it just as soon as I return from the cornershop with lip-gloss and perfume.
Unkle Munky adds - There are vats of unsold ‘Munky Le Femme’ in the basement. I am willing to sell you a bottle at a knockdown price if you let me see your tits?
Ms. Bumton says - I’m not wearing that shit! I shall be back promptly.
Harry from Coalville asks - Dear Unkle Munky, when I grow up I want to be an airline pilot. At five years of age, am I too young to be contemplating a career in aviation?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Harry, you are never too young to start learning. As a novice agony unkle I would often advise my sullen looking peers to opt for the suicide route. My success rate was second to none. I have yet to regret my decision to meddle in other people’s anguish and would therefore, without a doubt, recommend that you follow your heart. Sadly, I know little of aeroplanes but would assume that running around the playground with your arms outstretched would be a great place to start. Good luck!
Shaving in Space...
Trevor from Oxford asks - Dear Unkle Munky, how can I stop my bathroom mirror from steaming up when I am trying to shave. I went to work this morning looking like a walking advertisement for Dixcel toilet tissue and no mistake! To be quite frank, I am at my wits end.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Trevor, I am happy to inform you that the scientist down at NASA HQ are taking this problem very seriously. I, myself (that’s me, munky) have written to them on numerous occasions with regards to said problem. I can today, for the first time, reveal that the next Space shuttle mission will be equipped with the relative apparatus required to perform an ‘in-flight’ shaving experiment. Both NASA and myself are very excited about the prospect of shaving in space. We hope, together with our sponsor (Handy Jim ‘No job too small’) to publish our results within the year.
Trevor replies - But what the fcuk does shaving in space have to do with my steaming mirror query?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Trevor, our ’shaving in space’ experiment bears no relevance whatsoever to your steaming mirror predicament. Both NASA and myself just needed another excuse to go into space. We love it and no mistake!
Lorraine from Lambeth asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently noticed (via the gift of sight) that my recently reinvented boyfriend wears his watch upon his right wrist as opposed to the more commonly utilised left. My late uncle Bill also wore his watch in such a fashion and, with this in mind, I was wondering if the same terrible fate could befall my lovely man? My uncle Bill, incidentally, died whilst filming an underwater aerobic exercise for Breakfast Television.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Lorraine, I have, on your behalf, contacted the relative authorities and can, without a shadow of doubt, inform you that your recently reinvented boyfriend has nothing to worry about. However, should he find himself filming an underwater aerobics exercise for Breakfast Television I would seriously suggest that he wear the aforementioned timepiece on the customary left wrist. Alternatively, to avoid any chance of said occurrence ever presenting itself, you may wish to discuss amputation. And now, if you do not mind, I have a necklace to fashion from reclaimed staples.
Ref. Fire Procedure.
Dear Ms. Bumton, how is that detailed ‘Emergency Evacuation Procedure’ coming along?
Ms. Bumton (Unkle Munky’s legal advisor) replies - Oh there’s plenty of time for that crap Munky boy! Making myself presentable for the hunky fire officer must surely take precedence? With this in mind I will be taking an extended lunch break and should be back at around 3pm. Do you think I should go for hair extensions or am I pretty enough without them?
Unkle Munky says - Oh fer fcuks sake! Your sexual obsession with firemen is little short of a disgrace Ms. Bumton! I expect the ‘Emergency Evacuation Procedure’ to be on my desk by Friday morning at the latest!
P.S. I must insist that you refrain from acquiring said hair extensions as I believe there is a real possibility that their presence could severely hinder my healthy appreciation of your shapely arse. And now, if you do not mind, I have nuisance phone calls to make!
More Factually Inaccurate Facts...
For Cindy, from Bolton, who wanted to know more about Annie Lennox...