Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
When a man loves a Munky...
...you call the police!
- A memo from Unkle Munky to Ms. Emma Bumton (legal advisor)
Ref. Your terrible attitude.
Dear Ms. Bumton, I would appreciate you keeping your flippant and untimely remarks to yourself. My work here is difficult enough without you continually adding your insolent comments to my ever expanding column. To be quite frank, I expected more from an ex Bucks Fizz member.
Ms. Bumton replies - How many fcukin’ times Munky! I was not in Bucks Fizz, I was in the bastard Spice Girls!
PS. It is now December the 22nd and you still haven’t allowed me any time off to do my Xmas shopping! Will I be able to finish early today or what ape features!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Emma, your language really is terrible of late. I am afraid that compulsory overtime is on the cards for you tonight young lady. I did explain when you enrolled at Munky HQ that Xmas is always our busiest time of the year. Suicides, family disputes and male related Xmas-present wrapping difficulties all add to the workload of a professional agony primate at this special time of the year. I also have a sex munky that requires inflating and it would appear, judging by your buxom jugs, that you are just the girl for the job! Now, if you don’t mind, I have a turkey to stuff!
- Pictured - Ms. Emma Bumton in happier days.
Jamie from Cheshire asks - Dear Unkle Munky, earlier this week I accidentally killed my girlfriend for slagging off the 1980’s pop sensation, Bucks Fizz. The resulting stench of her rotting carcass is now playing havoc with my appetite’ and no mistake. Even the potent aroma of your excellent, and may I say reasonably priced, ‘Musky Munky’ cologne no longer seems to veil the rancid odour of her deathly condition. With this in mind I am planning on burying her soon beneath the patio. What kind of surface would you recommend I go for Unkle Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Jamie, I have consulted my Blue Peter Xmas ‘87 annual and can quite confidently recommend a gravel surface. Adding a touch of ‘country chic’ to your home has never been easier or more economical.
Jamie replies - Oh fer god’s sake Munky! I’m not bothered about the aesthetics of my property! I simply want to know how best to hide a corpse! Forget about it. I’ll ask Britain’s leading agony aunt, Claire Rayner instead. You are shit at this agony stuff!
Unkle Munky says - You can, by all means, ask that Rayner bitch. After all, I am sure she’s buried enough stiffs in her time! Now, if you don’t mind, I have a rhododendron to prune.
Munky Cures Sea Sickness...
Eve from Scotland asks - Dear Unkle Munky, do you know of any cures for sea sickness?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Eve, perhaps moving away from the sea for a while will assist in aiding your current malaise. Living by the coast may seem like a dream come true to many but, as with most things, familiarity often leads to eventual contempt. I would, on this occasion, recommend a short break to a sprawling inner city hell hole… Stoke on Trent perhaps?
- A memo from Ms. Emma Bumton (Unkle Munky’s legal advisor)
Ref. Missing toilet seat.
Dear Unkle Munky, your response to the previous post was as useless as that fcuking wooden Tampax dispenser that you made for the ladies loo. And while I am on the subject of the Munky HQ loos, where the fuck is the toilet seat?
Unkle Munky replies - Dear Ms. Bumton, where do you think the wood came from for the tampax dispenser? I have explained on numerous occasions that I use my woodworking skills to help me relax whilst pondering the many problems that pour into ‘Munky HQ’. Fashioning your sanitary towel dispenser helped me to focus my mind on a rather delicate correspondence regarding a faulty adjustable cock-ring and an accidental Viagra overdose. You have little idea of the dilemmas I am expected to cope with on a daily basis! The problems you see published here are but the tip of a very big iceberg! Now, if you don’t mind, I have a sex line to investigate.
Colin from Skegness asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it possible for liquid crystal displays to freeze up in the cold weather? My watch has been reading 12:23 all day!?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Colin, try pressing the 'mode' or 'function' button. It would appear to me that you are looking at the date! Fer fcuks sake...
Advetisement.
Toby from Farnham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I always get a little depressed around this time of the year and was wondering if you could offer me any advice with regards to getting through the yuletide festivities without falling deeper and deeper into this black malaise?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Toby, this is quite a common problem, especially around this time of the year. Be it loneliness or general despondency, Xmas always seems to magnify the flaws in our dead end lives. It is imperative that you look to the future, as well as the past. In just a matter of weeks we will doubtless be facing the icy chill of a dishevelled January. Decorations and twinkling fairy lights will be a thing of the past and children everywhere will return to their old unruly ways. Love will be replaced with loathing and the nine to five drudgery of everyday life will once again return like a persistent flu virus into our rain sodden existences. I hope this helps.
- A memo from Ms. Emma Bumton (legal advisor)
Ref. Agony Licence?
Dear Spunk Stain, your reply to that last post was, to be quite frank, contemptible. I am beginning to question your credentials and would very much appreciate seeing your 'Agony Certificate' at some stage in the near future!
Unkle Munky replies - Dear Ms. Bumton, my credentials, as you can see, are neatly trimmed and lightly perfumed with the new ‘House of Munky’ fragrance (Musky Munky - available at all good petrol stations). No one has ever questioned said credentials before and I cannot help but wonder if perhaps you are hankering for a little fiddle? There is no need to beat about the bush (you just leave that to me). As for my ‘Agony certificate’, I seem to have mislaid it whilst fashioning a wooden spoon from the unused sanitary towel dispenser that I lovingly crafted for you. Why on earth you neglected to inform me that you favoured tampons is, to be quite frank, beyond me!? And please Emma, do not call me Spunk Stain!
Ms. Bumton replies - Dear Arse Wipe, my period issues have fuck all to do with you and I would appreciate you not plastering my personal business over the questionable pages of your oh so agonising column! And now, if you don't mind, I have peroxide to apply!
Chateau Le Munky.
Maria from Reditch asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am having relatives and friends over on Xmas day and was wondering if you could recommend a decent champagne for our yuletide festivities.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Maria, you certainly came to the right Munky. I have cases full of 'Chateau le Munky' in the basement here at Munky HQ. An unfortunate printing error on the labels has ruined my drive to sell them this year and, with this in mind, I am able to offer said champagne to you at a knock down price. Please email me privately if you are interested.
Ms. Emma Bumton (Unkle Munky's legal advisor) adds - Is that the stuff labelled 'Shat oh le Munky' that I keep tripping over when I go for a crafty fag in the basement Spunk Bubble? It seems like pretty astute labelling if you ask me.
Unkle Munky says - Well no one did ask you Emma! Please get on with your work and stop trying to besmirch my good name. Which, incidentally, is 'Unkle Munky' and NOT 'Spunk Bubble'!
Lee from Barrow asks - Dear Unkle Munky, did you receive my mail marked 'Urgent'?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Lee, I did indeed receive your mail marked 'Urgent'. I would have answered far earlier had I not tragically lost a digestive biscuit to the murky depths of my frothy coffee. As to your problem - Eating your lunch in full view of your girlfriend's goldfish is perfectly acceptable behaviour. I suspect, on this occasion, that your partner is being a little oversensitive with regards to her pet's feelings. I am sure that, given time, she will come to understand that eating fish and chips in front of the little fella won't really cause him any psychological harm. Reminding her that goldfish only possess three second memories might also help to alleviate her wayward anxieties.
- A memo from Ms. Emma Bumton (legal advisor)
Ref. Xmas fuckin’ shopping?
Oi - Munky Bollocks! It is now Xmas eve and I’ve still not been given any time to do my Xmas bastard shopping! I have laminated all of your porno magazines, burned you filthy downloads to dvd and semi-settled your legal wrangles with that triple-chin bitch, Ms. Claire Rayner! On top of this, I have no loo seat in the ladies, the first floor fire escape has been compromised by your fuckin’ insistence to fashion a rickety pair of stepladders from the banister-rails and last, but by certainly no means least, I have had my menstrual details splattered all over your wank column! I demand that you allow me to leave early today Munky features! And now, if you don’t mind, I must attend to my tinsel.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Bumton, is it your period again? You sound a little tense? Perhaps I’m just being oversensitive, it is a cross that I must bear - You could say that I am a little like Jesus in that respect? As to your request for an early finish? Providing that you (A) vacuum the sawdust that my recent woodworking venture caused and (B) wait for the agony to subside, then yes the possibility of an early finish could indeed be on the cards. I cannot put an exact time on this, however, as agony is seldom accountable to anything but itself. As you are aware, I am unable to use the Hoover for fear of sterilisation and therefore I must leave the Pre-Yuletide clean-up in your capable hands. Please feel free to crack open a bottle of ‘Shat Oh Le Munky’ whilst you work, it may help to relieve your period pains. And now, if you don’t mind, I have Xmas puddings to incinerate!
Unfaithful @ Xmas...
Stuart from Derby asks - Dear Unkle Munky, last night, at a Xmas party, I recklessly shagged my partners best mate. It was not until the deed had been done that we both realised, with horror, that my girlfriend’s glass eye had been watching us from the windowsill. My knowledge of said prosthetic is limited and I was wondering if she may have witnessed our terrible wrongdoing?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Stuart, I seriously hope that this incident has served to drive home the gravity of your terrible action. Having consulted my ‘1997 Glass Eye compendium’ I can, luckily for you, confirm that your unscrupulous act would not have been witnessed by your current partner. This in no way excuses you, however, for holding your Cyclops girlfriend in such low esteem.
- A memo from Ms. Emma Bumton (legal advisor)
Ref. Unwarranted Cyclops analogy.
Dear Unkle Munky, you unwarranted reference to a Cyclops in the previous posting was both unjust and hurtful. I would recommend that you say ten, ‘Hail Kylies’ and let me leave sooner rather than later to get my bastard Xmas shopping done!
PS. Why is there a fcukin’ great big smelly cauliflower hanging above my desk?
Unkle Munky replies - Dear Ms. Bumton, once again I am indebted to you for your continued counsel regarding my occasional bad choice of word/s. With regards to said cauliflower - I am afraid that, at this late stage in the festive preparations, I was unable to obtain even the smallest sprig of mistletoe and therefore opted for the next best thing. I shall be over to snog you shortly. Ya know, if you were a little more hirsute I would find you quite attractive? Please do not worry about your shopping, my little Xmas cracker. It is only 3pm, there is plenty of time.
Ms. Bumtom intercoms - …You are aware that the Sunday trading laws are still in force Munky? Xmas eve or no Xmas eve, most of the shops will be closed by 5pm!
Unkle Munky says - Oh Shit! Why didn’t any fcuker tell me? This is most irregular and no mistake! Right, forget this agony bollocks, I have socks to purchase. Come on Em, what are you waiting for!?
“…and don’t forget the cauliflower!”