Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
Don't Cry For Me Unkle Munky...
...the truth is, you are a wank splash!
Unkle Munky says - Shut it Emma!
Clive from Solihull asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my poetic girlfriend says that she has not got the time to help me paint our bedroom ceiling. I wouldn't mind Munky, but all she ever does is mope about the place with a troubled expression about her face and a notebook in her hand. What can I do? I am at my wits end and no mistake.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Clive, it is often said that the experienced poet can 'paint pictures using mere words'. With this in mind I would recommend that you drop your paintbrush and step away from the paint can. If she is as good as she presumes then surely writing a new ceiling will pose no problem?
Barry from Rochester asks - Dear Unkle Munky, did you receive my email marked, 'Urgent'?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Barry, I did indeed receive you email marked 'Urgent'. I would have replied far earlier, had it not been for a stray eyelash floating about the tepid surface of my Nescafe Gold Blend coffee. With regards to the mail of which you speak I can confirm that both myself and Ms. Bumton (my legal advisor) are in full agreement, using your girlfriend's vibrator as an egg whisk is completely inspired. I am sure that her animosity towards you will fade once she has experienced the light fluffy consistency of your tasty sponge cake. I hope this helps.
Gavin from Chelmsford asks - Dear Unkle Munky, in three weeks time I am hoping to jump fifteen double decker buses on my new Suzuki motorbike. Do you have any advice with regards to said jump?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Gavin, it is because of people like you that munkys like me have to wait around at bus stops for busses that never fcuking arrive! With this in mind, I have just one piece of advice for you - Crash!
Jason from Grantham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently discovered a free 'Art Attack' CD Rom in my Kellogg's Cornflakes. Three days after installing said software onto my pc a recently wrinkled Uncle of mine suffered a catastrophic art attack and no mistake. Can I make a claim?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Jason, it seems more likely to me that your recently wrinkled Uncle experienced a catastrophic 'Heart attack' and not, as you mistakenly assume, an 'Art attack'. I would recommend that you purchase 'Special K' from hereon-in as said cereal is seldom packaged with novelty gifts.
Jason replies - No Munky, you misunderstand. He really did suffer from an 'Art attack'. We can't stop him painting and no mistake. To be quite frank, we're thinking of taking him to Wits End.
Unkle Munky says - Oh fer fcuks sake!
Don from Ludlow asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it normal for a woman's tuppence to smell of candy floss?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Don, in order to answer your question I must first establish the true definition of a 'Tuppence'. I shall reply when the relative information has been gleaned from my legal advisor, Ms. Emma Bumton.
Ms. Bumton adds- Dear Wank Splash, Don from Ludlow is referring to a ladies landing strip.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Bumton, what the fcuk is a 'ladies landing strip? And don't call me Wank Splash!
Ms. Bumton replies - Dear Unkle Munky, you know very well what a 'landing strip' is. I know what you are doing. You just like hearing me say words like 'cunt' and 'twat'.
Memo For Ms. Bumton. Dear Ms. Bumton, it is our duty as agony agents to act in a responsible manner with regards to any questions that may arise. Plain speaking is to be encouraged at all times. Tragic misunderstandings can result from the childish terms previously displayed in the above correspondence. I would suggest that you practice saying words like 'cunt' and 'cock' out aloud. This will help you to deal with any future request with honesty and openness. Now, if you don't mind, I must go and syphon the python.
Ms. Bumton replies - You neglected to answer Don's question Spunk Stain!
Unkle Munky says - Oh balls! I will reply shortly. And don't call me Spunk Stain either!
Sandra from Cornwall asks - Dear Unkle Munky, how can you claim that this is a family orientated 'agony' column when you have a bloody big picture of pink vibrator splashed across the page!?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Sandra, I don’t know what you are talking about? The ‘bloody big picture’ to which you refer is quite obviously a pink egg whisk! Perhaps you should consider a trip to the opticians young lady!
- A memo from Ms. Emma Bumton (Unkle Munky's legal advisor)
Dear Unkle Munky, when are we putting the Xmas decorations up in the office!? The festivities will be over before you get up off your useless hairy arse! You did promise on Saturday that you would give me a hand. I also need to finish early one day this week as I still have my Xmas shopping to do.
PS. Why is there a woodworking lathe by the water dispenser?
Unkle Munky says - Relax my little spicy strumpet. I shall be with you shortly. As you already know, I use my woodworking skills to help me relax and ponder the many problems that pour into us at this time of the year. Earlier this morning I fashioned a wonderful pair of stepladders from the banisters that lead from the first floor fire exit. Said ladders are certainly sturdy enough to hold your delicate frame and, with me at the bottom to make sure that everything is safe, we shall have your poxy decorations up in no time. With regards to your request for an early finish, I am afraid that you may have to wait a day or two longer. I have computer files that require backing-up and, as you are well aware, I cannot use the PC for more than twenty minutes without placing my testicles under serious threat of permanent sterilisation. Get the kettle on, I shall be with you shortly. Do we have any Hobnobs?
PS. Please use caution if exiting the building by the first floor fire exit.
Mandy from Derwent asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have an urgent problem that requires immediate advice. I think I might be pregnant, and the father can only be my brother’s bisexual partner. I am beside myself with worry and no mistake. What can I do?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Mandy, did you not read my last post? I have Xmas decorations that require my full attention! Jeesuz!
- A memo from Ms. Emma Bumton (Unkle Munky’s legal advisor)
Ref. Skirt sniffing incident.
Dear Unkle Munky, earlier today, as you held that deathtrap of a ladder (idiotically constructed from the first-floor emergency fire exit stair banister) I got the distinct impression that you were trying to sniff up my skirt!? I realise that, being a socially inept hairy cretin, you probably do not get much (if any) love action, but I refuse to be your casual feminine fix. Please do not attempt to look up, or indeed, sniff up my skirt again!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Bumton, what a terrible slur on my good name. What will my reader think? Mud sticks and no mistake. If you must know, I was merely attempting to establish if your ‘tuppence’ smelt of candy floss or not. Please be aware, Ms. Bumton, that the welfare of my clientele will always take precedence over common office courtesies. Thanks to my skillfully executed plan of action I can now inform Don from Ludlow that not all women’s ‘landing strips’ smell of the aforementioned candy product. He should consider himself lucky. The whiff of tuna fish emanating from your pink panties is anything but alluring. I hope this helps in some way to allay your fears with regards to my ’seemingly’ perverted actions. You might be interested to note that, after a few beers, I become quite prone to the odd Tuna sandwich.
Ms. Bumton replies - You're a fuckin' disgrace Munky!
- A statement from Ms. Emma Bumton (Unkle Munky's legal advisor)
Ref. Fred West Tuna advert.
Munky! I have never endorsed the aforementioned Tuna product and will be taking legal steps to have said commercial removed! And anyway, it's 'John' West you tit!
Unkle Munky replies - Dear Ms. Bumton, I know very well which 'West' it is. I have 'acquired' a bumper batch at a knock down price. Just shut your pretty little gob and there will be a Xmas bonus in it for you. And now, if you don't mind, I have testicles to buff.
Warren from Stevenage asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that women's poo is pink or, as I suspect, is my mate pulling my recently decorated plonker again?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Warren, why must you insist on questioning the intellectual statements of your highly educated friend? I would suggest that you consider making a New years resolution with regards to the destructive cynicism that you seem hell-bent on regularly displaying. Women's poo is indeed pink in colour. And not only that, it also smells of roses. Now, if you don't mind, I too have a plonker to decorate!
- A memo from Unkle Munky to Ms. Bumton (legal advisor)
Ref. Tinsel anomaly.
Dear Ms. Bumton, in order to get into the festive mood I have decided to take a cue from Warren of Stevenage and decorate my plonker. With this in mind, where the fcuk is the tinsel? There were boxes overflowing with the stuff here yesterday! All I can find now is a can of snow spray?
Ms. Bumton replies - Dear Unkle Munky, I donated the remaining tinsel to Claire Rayner's 'Chin up' appeal. I didn't think you would mind as you hardly seem bothered about the yuletide festivities. May I suggest that you spray your revolting cock with the remaining snow spray? At least that way I won't have to look at the ugly fcuking thing!
Unkle Munky replies - You have not heard the last of this Ms. Bumton! Claire Rayner's appeal on behalf of the manically depressed is merely a smokescreen designed to conceal the fact that she is a heartless bitch! 'Chin up' appeal? What a load of scrotum! I can only assume that she struggles terribly to keep her three chins up! Thanks a lot Emma. I was looking forward to embellishing my dowdy plonker. Do we have any baubles left over?
Ms. Bumton replies - Dear Unkle Munky, I donated the remaining baubles to Ronald MacDonald's 'Cholesterol for Christmas' appeal.
A Bonnie Phobia...
Diane from Brighton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am writing on behalf of my recently embellished boyfriend who seems to have developed an innate fear of Bonnie Langford. He is too embarrassed to seek medical help and I am worried that his unusual phobia might spoil our yuletide celebrations. Shall I just get myself a new lover or what?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Diane, dumping your recently embellished boyfriend because he has an innate fear of Bonnie Langford is not in keeping with the spirit of the season. I can happily reveal that scientists hope to have a carrott based cure on the market within the next twelve months. In the meantime I would recommend that you keep a close eye on Ms. Langford's itinerary and steer clear of theatres, supermarket openings and ginger related reunions. I hope this helps.
Sophia from Epsom asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that your legal advisor, Ms. Bumton, use to be in a successful pop group?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Sophia, I can confirm that Ms. Bumton was once a member of the popular pop combo who went by the name of Bucks Fizz. They had numerous hits during the eighties after winning the coveted ‘Eurovision Song Contest’.
Sophia replies - How awful it must be for her to have sunken to this guttural level.
Unkle Munky replies - You cheeky bitch!
- A memo from Ms. Emma Bumton (Unkle Munky’s legal advisor)
Ref. Talking bollocks again.
Dear Unkle Munky, you really are the most ignorant primate that I have ever had the misfortune to meet. The popular group that I belonged to went by the name of, ‘The Spice Girls’. We coined the celebrated phrase ‘Girl Power’ and went on to have numerous hits. I would not expect you to know any of this as most of your ‘vinyl’ is acquired from jumble sales and is about as contemporary as Vera Lynn’s arse!