Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
Imagine There's No Munky...
...if only we could!
Unkle Munky says - Shut it Emma!
Janet from Glasgow asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I was just wondering if your legal advisor, Ms. Bumton, was ok? She sounded a little despondent in her previous correspondence.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Janet, your concerns regarding Ms. Bumton, though commendable, are thoroughly unwarranted. She was 'Pulling her face' on Saturday as she wanted to leave Munky HQ early to do her Xmas shopping. I was unable to allow said privilege as I had porn that needed laminating. I am unable to use the laminating machine (due to sterilisation fears) so she had to work until 8pm. Her claims that the aforementioned task was not related to agony were, of course, complete scrotum. Losing your porn to the uncontrollable discharge of a rampant penis is extremely agonising! I hope this helps.
Ms. Bumton adds - So can I go early tonight Munky!
Unkle Munky says - Sadly not, Ms. Bumton. I have videos that need transferring to my laptop and, as you are well aware, I am unable to use the laptop due to sterilisation fears.
Josh from Kirby asks - Dear Unkle Munky, how do microwaves work?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Josh, I am unable to answer your question in a satisfactory manner as my legal advisor, Ms. Bumton, does all the microwaving around here. To be quite frank, I won't go near the thing for fear of sterilisation. I hope this helps.
Ms. Bumton (Unkle Munky's legal advisor) adds - I wish someone would sterilise you! I'm still getting emails from the 'Child Support Agency' with regards to the Coco-pops munky. You won't get away with shirking your responsibilities for much long longer Wank Splash!
FOR THE ATTENTION OF Ms. Bumton - Dear Ms. Bumton, I would appreciate it if you would NOT broadcast my personal affairs over the pages of 'Unkle Munky'. That Coco-pops munky is just trying to make a fast buck. It's often the way with child 'stars'. Once they hit thirteen it's all over and some of them can't take it. Now, if you don't mind, I have porn to burn.
Ms. Bumton adds - So you're burning your porn? Well this is a pleasant surprise and, if I may add, a positive step towards becoming fully evolved.
Unkle Munky adds - I'm only burning it to DVD you nutter! Incinerating pornography is a crime in my neck of the jungle!
Ms. Bumton adds - I give up!
Warren from Stevenage asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that our names are written across our foreheads using a big black marker pen when we are baptised or, as I suspect, is my mate pulling my plonker again?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Warren, I can confirm that your friend is not pulling your plonker and that baptisms are generally executed in the way previously described. Your continuing reticence to believe the word of those closest to you strikes me as both sad and regrettable.
Serviced by a Munky...
Jodie from Hammersmith asks - Dear Unkle Munky, how often should an electric blanket be serviced and how much will said service cost?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Jodie, it is important that electric blankets are serviced at least once a year. You might be interested to note that I myself offer such a service and will be happy to test the aforementioned blanket by sleeping under it for just five pounds and five pence per night. I hope this helps.
Peter from Leighton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, do you believe in the 'Big bang' theory?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Peter, I do indeed believe in the 'Big bang' theory. Without a good bang procreation would not stand a chance.
Angela from Liverpool asks - Dear Unkle Munky, are the rumours regarding the imminent termination of your somewhat amateurish agony column true? I have heard that Britain's leading agony aunt, Ms. Claire Rayner has been petitioning for your removal since day one and that she is very close to realising her dream. I have also heard that you, and you alone, are responsible for the seemingly inevitable collapse of the Ukawiki domain?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Angela, I find the tone of your email rather distasteful and cannot help but wonder if you are one of those sad individuals who thrives upon the misfortune of others (like a Cliff Richard fan). The rumours regarding the imminent closure of Munky HQ are indeed true. Ms. Rayner has, from the very beginning, done her level best to ruin my reputation as Britain's first agony primate and, with a little help from those who frequent the agony circuit, has sadly succeeded in bringing the current incarnation of 'Unkle Munky' to an almost inevitable end. Luckily for me however, I do have an ace up my sleeve in the form of my legal advisor, Ms. Bumton. She has worked tirelessly for the past week or so and will be making a formal announcement in due course with regards to both our futures. I would like to take this opportunity to thank Ms. Bumton for all of her hard work. And now, if you don't mind, I have testicles to Xerox.
Ms. Emma Bumton adds - Dear Unkle Munky, my work here is nearly done... Can I please finish early tonight? I have so much Xmas shopping to do!
Unkle Munky replies - Dear Emma, there is plenty of time for Xmas shopping. I don't start mine until Xmas eve. You must learn to relax more. Anyway, I have mountains of documents that require shredding and something tells me that you are the girl for the job. I'll treat you to a munky massage before you go home, I can't say fairer than that.
PS. How come that Rayner bitch gets to go down!?
John from Dewsbury asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that chewing-gum can take up to nine years to digest if accidentally swallowed?
Unkle Munky says - Dear John, as I am unable to gain a satisfactory answer to your question I have recently taken the liberty of swallowing my own chewing-gum. I will, for the next decade or so, keep a close eye on my bowel evacuations and contact you just as soon as I get a whiff of something minty. This is the kind of agony that Claire Rayner would turn her nose up at! I, on the other hand am only too happy to be of assistance and sincerely hope that the British Board of Agony are taking my public commitments into account.
Nicholas from Lapland asks - Dear Unkle Munky, what is the best way to deter carol singers.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Nicholas, I find that a bucket of water usually does the trick. No permanent damage is done and they tend to get the message by about the third soaking. I hope this helps.
Ms. Bumton (Unkle Munky's legal advisor) adds - Dear Unkle Munky, you cannot go around advising people to throw cold water over innocent little carol singers! You have much to learn with regards to the spirit of Xmas. Offering such ill-conceived counsel can only add further to the charges currently being held against you by that Claire Rayner tart.
Unkle Munky replies - Dear Ms. Bumton, once again I am indebted to you for providing guidance in such matters. Since receiving your memo I have replaced said buckets of water with buckets of Cola. After all, I do not want to be perceived as being one of those Humming buds.
Ms. Bumton replies - You mean Humbugs!
Unkle Munky says - Whatever Em, whatever. Fuckin' Xmas. It's a bunch of ball-ache if you ask me. Now, if you don't mind, I have a scrotum to trim.
The gift that keeps absorbing...
Karl from Paisley asks - Dear Unkle Munky, on Saturday night I will be painting the town red with my recently renewed friends. With this in mind, I was wondering what colour undercoat I might use?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Karl, whilst pondered your question I have fashioned a rather attractive wooden toothbrush holder, and for this I thank you. Now, to your problem - I would suggest that you consider using a basic white undercoat mixed with a small amount of the aforementioned red paint.
- Please note - Preparing the surface of any town prior to painting will not only ensure a more satisfying overall result but also serve to prolong the life of the final coat.
Ms. Emma Bumton (Unkle Munky's legal advisor) asks - Dear Unkle Munky, why is there a bastard woodworking bench by my desk? There's fcukin' sawdust everywhere!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Emma, I use woodwork as a form of relaxation. Fashioning a simple towel rack or a soap dish gives my mind the time it needs to ponder upon the many problems that flow into Unkle Munky HQ. Incidentally, there is a lovely gift for you in the ladies toilet block.
Ms. Bumton replies - What the fuck is that monstrosity hanging off the wall in the ladies Munky!?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Emma, I swear your language is getting worse! It's a wooden Tampax dispenser? You're in a funny mood today and no mistake. Now, if you don't mind, I have porn to rate!
Leona from Ayslbury asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it normal for men to sniff their girlfriend's knickers? I find the concept quite disturbing and cannot help but harbour suspicions with regards to my new boyfriend.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Leona, though I do agree with you entirely, I would advise caution before confronting your man about this particular issue. It is imperative that you first prove his guilt and, with this in mind, I would suggest that you send your knickers to me. I have an unopened, 'My first chemistry set' from Xmas 1988 and would be more than happy to forensically examine your suspect panties. There will be no charge for this as I can tell by your choice of font (Tearful Gothic) that you are very upset. I hope this helps.
Ms. Bumton (Unkle Munky’s legal advisor) adds - Pervert!
- Memo from Ms. Bumton (Munky's legal advisor)
Dear Wank Splash, do I have your permission to hang a festive array of decorations from the ceiling above my desk? I realise that we might be moving into new offices if the ‘Rayner Vs. Munky’ trial goes tits up, but we should at least make the most of our bleak surroundings. Positivity, after all, is far more productive than negativity.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Bumton, I would appreciate a little more respect with regards to how you address me on a public forum. Please remember that my name is Munky and not Wank Splash. Now, with regards to your request - I can see no harm in adding a few yuletide embellishments to your surroundings. I shall be over to you within the next hour. I must insist that you leave the aforementioned task to my good self as I am liable for your wellbeing in the work place and cannot afford any more legal costs. Please clear me a space on your desk as I will need to utilise it as a makeshift ladder.
Ms. Bumton replies - Oh forget about it Munky. I cannot take the sight of you standing on my desk again with your scruffy little penis in my face. I am still having nightmares about the light-bulb incident. Why you persistently refuse to wear pants is, to be quite frank, beyond me. I either put the decorations up by myself or not at all!
Unkle Munky says - I keep telling you Emma, I am a munky. Pants just don’t cut it in the wild and I refuse to be hideously domesticated by mere humans. What would my ancestors think!? If you must climb upon your desk then, as a precautionary measure, I must insist that you allow me to hold onto your ankles. This is my last offer.
Ms. Bumton replies - Okay Wank Splash, you're on.