Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
The Munky Sleeps Tonight
Ms. Emma Bumton (Unkle Munky's legal advisor) says - Dear Unkle Munky, I must take issue with this weeks cover shot. Your inept digital picture manipulating 'skills' leave a lot to be desired and, to be quite frank, I can't see anyone being at all impressed. Who the fcuk is Daniel Kublbock anyway? The popular version of this song was performed by eighties pop cretins 'Tight Fit'. This is the worst start to any week for your column and I am seriously beginning to question my position here. I do have a new CD to promote you know!?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Emma, I think you will find that my digital art manipulation is far more advanced than it once was. I don't have a clue as to who Daniel Kubbyknob is and, to be quite frank, I couldn't give a turnip. Have you ever tried googling, 'Tight fit'? Believe me Ms. Bumton, such sordid images would not be appropriate for a family orientated site such as this. I would recommend that you pop out at lunch time and buy yourself a nice pair of new shoes. I might, if you reconsider your position here, allow you to do some dancing this afternoon by way of a pre Xmas party treat. I am far to good to you and no mistake!
Oh, fer fcuk's sake Munky! They aren't Tight Fit!
Brian from Redditch asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently purchased a 'ready meal' from my local superstore. Upon getting said meal home I was rather perturbed to discover that it was anything but 'ready'! Can I make a claim?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Brian, I too have had similar problems with regards to products purporting to be 'ready'. I spent a total of two hours and fifteen minutes on Sunday chipping away at a freezing cold Chicken Tikka Masala. Had my hunger not been so rampant I would have surely returned said meal in an instant! Sadly, I am unable to forward your complaint to my legal advisor right now as she is doing a spot of dancing. I shall, however, speak to the relative parties myself and email you privately with their response.
Steve from Bolton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, are you sure that there isn't an easier way to check that the light in my fridge is going out when I close the door?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Steve, I have years of experience with regards to interior fridge lighting and would appreciate a little more respect with regards to my advance council on said matter. Just shut the bloody door!
Emma from Munky HQ says - Buy my great new CD, 'Life in Mono' online now from itunes or HMV. The perfect stocking filler for all of your little Munkies.
FOR THE ATTENTION OF MS. BUMTON - Dear Ms. Bumton, just what the fcuk do you think you're playing at!? This is an agony column. A place where troubled souls congregate like Asbo wannabes outside an off-licence. A place where advice is given freely by a worldly wise Munky who has a grade 4 CSE in woodwork! This is NOT, and I repeat, NOT a place for some ex-Spice Girl to peddle her latest CD. I took you under my wing when your career went tits-up and this is how you repay me? I feel both hurt and cheated. With this in mind I would suggest that you stop dancing for a while and get on with some serious dictation!
Emma Bumton (Unkle Munky's legal advisor) adds - Oh stop whingeing Munky! I've told you before that my career will always take precedence over working 9 to 5 for some smelly primate who refuses to wear pants! My new CD (Life in Mono) is sure to be a hit and this, by default, will help boost your exposure (tho judging by your dishevelled member and scrotum, anymore exposure would seem to be the last thing that you need).
Unkle Munky replies - If you must insist on abusing my good nature, Ms. Bumton, then you could at least do so without your top on!
P.S. If I'm being honest, I think your CD cover proves that you yourself are the perfect stocking filler. With this in mind I would advise that you leave early tonight. Your womanly ways have provoked a reaction about my person that could see me wedged beneath this desk for some time to cum.
Munky Le Femme
Harry from Glasgow asks - Dear Unkle Munky, what can I buy my recently extended girlfriend for Xmas! It is only three weeks away and I am beginning to panic and no mistake. Please help, I am in Dire Straits.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Harry, to be quite frank, being in Dire Straits isn't considered all that cool these days and it certainly doesn't curry any favour with me! Having said that, I am here to help and after doing a spot of woodwork (for concentration purposes) I have come up with the perfect gift. I got a grade 4 CSE in woodwork ya know? Please see advert...
Maria from Devon asks - Dear Unkle Munky, are you aware that you recently made a complimentary remark concerning your legal advisor, Ms. Bumton and her stockinged legs? I am beginning to suspect that you may harbour feelings of a romantic nature beneath that harsh and rather obscene exterior. Can office relationships really work Unkle Munky or are they doomed from the start?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Maria, my relationship with Ms. Bumton is purely professional and I would appreciate it if you would keep your mindless gossip and tittle tattle to yourself! Ms. Bumton is quite obviously a pretty young lady but, to be quite frank, bedding a women with no hairs on her legs, or indeed upper torso, strikes me as faintly repulsive. Now, if you don't mind, I have a wooden towel rack to construct!
Linda from Sailsbury asks - Dear Unkle Munky, one of my bosses at work keeps pinching my bum! Can I have him for sexual harassment?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Linda, if you play your cards right I would imagine that you could have him for a portion of chips!
Emma Bumton (Unkle Munky's legal advisor) adds - Dear Unkle Munky, your blasé attitude with regards to the previous sexual harassment query was nothing short of despicable! I shall email Linda privately in an attempt to undo the damage that you have done! How on earth you came to acquire an 'Agony Licence' is, to be quite frank, totally beyond me!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Bumton, your reply has been noted and I have since revised my advice to Linda. I am sure that her boss is worthy of far more than a measly portion of chips and have recommended that perhaps she should throw in a can of coke cola too. I hope this helps.
Ms. Bumton replies - Fcukin' useless!
Danny from Davenport asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have noticed recently that my car no longer makes that ticking noise when I indicate to go left or right. What can I do?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Danny, simply imitating the ticking noise yourself will save you both time and money. You might want to consider taking on passengers to do the noises for you. I hope this helps.
Birds Eye Potato Waffles...
Malcolm from Finchley asks - Dear Unkle Munky, did you receive my mail flagged 'Urgent'?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Malcolm, I did indeed receive your email flagged 'Urgent'. I would have replied earlier but Ms. Bumton was teaching me how to Salsa. I am currently in communication with Birds Eye and hope to speak to 'The Captain' before the week is over. Their claims regarding the versatility of their potato waffle range do, at best, seem to be a little exaggerated. I just wonder how many unreported incidents of failed waffle related accidents there have been. I hope the leg gets better soon and that you have managed to purchase a sturdy car jack for any future wheel removals.
Damien from Harrow asks - Dear Unkle Munky, we have a new secretary working in our office this week and I have fallen for her in a big way. Having discovered that she is attracted to men who possess a rebellious streak, I have taken to leaving my cufflinks at home. To be quite frank Unkle Munky, it hardly seems to have made a difference? She ignores me with a competence that is as unsettling as it is depressing. Please help.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Damien, I have spoken to my legal advisor, Ms. Bumton (who is a woman) about your situation and she is of the opinion that your rebellious streak is in dire need of some serious tweaking. For once, I agree with the sexy little strumpet and would suggest that you undo the top button of your shirt and ruffle up your hair a little.
Ms. Bumton adds - Absolutely fcukin' hopeless...
Warren from Stevenage asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that Fairy Liquid is actually derived from the placentas of fallen angels or, as I suspect, is my mate pulling my plonker again?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Warren, it really is time that you started trusting the word of your educated friend. Placenta is indeed the main ingredient used to produce the aforementioned detergent.
Ms. Bumton adds - What the fcuk would you know about washing-up liquids Munky!? You never go near the bastard sink!
Kelly from Margate asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my boyfriend keeps parking his bicycle in my hallway and, to be quite frank, I am growing rather tired of it. What can I do?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Kelly, no man has a right to force a lady into having sex against her will. You must discuss this situation with him in an open and honest manner. Some men posses very high sex drives, but there is no excuse for this kind of behaviour.
Kelly replies - What the fcuk are you on about Munky? He really is parking his bicycle in my hallway! I'd thump him in the bollocks if he tried shagging me without permission.
Unkle Munky says - Oh, I do apologise Ms. Kelly. I wrongly assumed that you were using a euphemism. I can see now, however, that your rather coarse tongue would not entertain the use of such a tactic. Simply throwing his bike out onto the street should end your fcukin problem!
The Potency of Musky Munky...
Paul from Coventry asks - Dear Unkle Munky, sex with my recently moisturised girlfriend has become rather cumbersome since I started wearing 'Musky Munky' from 'House of Munky'! Can I get a refund?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Paul, I fail to see the problem here? In fact the lovely picture of your recently moisturised girlfriend merely puts me in mind of a fantastic club that I occasionally frequent. A place where all of my munky dreams cum true and no mistake. I refuse to take any responsibility for the potency of my new fragrance. Your reticence towards women in gas masks would suggest to me that you are not ready for a serious sexual relationship. I can hardly be held accountable for your somewhat tepid sense of adventure!
Ms. Bumton (Unkle Munky's legal advisor) adds - I told you it was shit!
Unkle Munky replies - Just shut it Emma and answer the bloody phone!
Mel from Durham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I've had a song by pop pixie, Kylie Minogue, stuck in my head all day. The final lines to her popular hit, however, seem to elude me. As a Kylie fan, I wondered if you could perhaps enlighten me before I go totally mad?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Mel, admittedly, I have struggled to recall said lines, but feel confident with the following rendition -
I should be so lucky,
lucky, lucky, lucky
I should be so lucky....
...We are the champions, my friends...
This would seem like a good time to post another Kylie pic? I'll get Ms. Bumton onto it.
Ms. Emma Bumton (Unkle Munky's legal advisor) adds - Any excuse Munky! You're obssesed. I've chosen a kylie pic that might appeal to your lady readers (assuming, that is, that you have any).
Unkle Munky says - Just leave it Emma and get my porn laminated.
PS. Your choice of Kylie picture is sexist in the extreme. It's a disgrace. I shall do it myself next time!
Ms. Bumton replies - Well you're use to doing things for yourself aren't ya!? Wanker!