Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
When Munky Sings...
Louise from Leicester asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have been happily married to my current husband for almost ten years. Unexpectedly, just last night, I discovered a secret from his past that has thrown my life into complete turmoil. It would appear, judging by his record collection, that in the early 1980's he purchased not just one, but two Bucks Fizz records. I can almost forgive him for owning the eurovision winner, 'Making your mind up,' but I am finding it extremely difficult to condone a subsequent Bucks Fizz finding that goes/went by the name of, 'My camera never lies.' Shall I divorce him Unkle Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Louise, these are indeed very trying times for both you and and your disgraced husband. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain and anguish that you must be feeling right now. Bucks Fizz actually went on to have numerous hits after their eurovision winner, each as cheesy as the former and as instantly forgettable as... I forget now. With this in mind, we should be grateful that your husband didn't dabble with 'The Fizz' to any greater extent than those described in your harrowing mail. Perhaps a little understanding and forgiveness on your part will help the two of you through this trying episode. Given time, this tragic event might even serve to strengthen your relationship. I would recommend that you destroy said singles and start afresh. Perhaps you could move to foreign climes and maybe even take up yodelling? Good luck.
Ron from Bridgemere asks - Dear Unkle Munky, why am I constantly being instructed to lean my washing machine to an angle of forty degree by various soap-powder manufacturers? It's not doing my back any good at all and, to be quite frank, I don't think it's doing the washing machine much of a service either!?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ron, I have little experience with washing machines as, being a munky, I tend to swing about in the nude (much to the disgust of my legal advisor, Ms. Bumton, who says I might be breaching some kind of gross indecency law). With this in mind, I will need to communicate with a woman before offering you a suitable response. The only lady in my life right now is indeed the aforementioned Ms. Bumton. Sadly, today being Sunday, she is at home and for some strange unfathomable reason is not answering her telephone. I suspect she's either vacuuming, cooking or peeling turnips. I will get back to you on Monday with her reply.
*Emma Bumton finally replies - Dear Ron, I do apologise for my late response. As you can imagine, working with a munky is enough to distact anyone, let alone a cute blonde with a penchant for shoes and dancing. It would appear that the forty degrees to which you refer is merely a temperature guide and not, as you mistakenly assumed, an angle at which to position the aforementioned washing machine.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Barry, did you not learn anything from my recent reply to your current wife? She is beside herself with worry since discovering, not just one, but two Bucks Fizz singles in your battered old record collection! This fixation with Cheryl Baker, for the sake of your marriage, must end at once! With this in mind I can confidently predict that the lovely Ms. Tweedy would yet again win, hands down, in said fantasy fight!
- Ms. Bumton (legal advisor) adds - You are such a hypocrite Munky. If anyone has a fixation around here it's you! The recent court order that forbids you to go anywhere within a 50 Mile radius of Ms. Tweedy is proof of that!
House of Munky introduce...
Zoe from Stains asks - Dear Unkle Munky, with Christmas fast approaching I was wondering what I might buy for my highly sophisticated new boyfriend?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Zoe, you certainly came to the right Munky. Without doubt, the one item that is at the top of every man's Christmas list this year is the new fragrance from House of Munky. I would recommend that you order early to avoid disappointment.
Emma Bumton (Munky's legal advisor) adds - Jeezus! What does it smell of? Bananas or bullshit!?
- For the attention of Ms. Bumton. I would appreciate less sarcasm and far more work if you don't mind! Where, for instance, is that photocopy of your arse that I requested nearly two hours ago!?
Pete from Dartsmouth asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my recently veneered girlfriend claims that she can have multiple orgasms with her new electric toothbrush? What on earth are Aquafresh playing at Unkle Munky!? Adding fluoride is one thing, but Viagra?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Pete, I always wondered what was in the blue stripe. Of course, I'm only joking. Ms. Bumton, my legal secretary, has contacted Aquafresh on your behalf and informs me that your girlfriend's multiple orgasms are more likely due to the high velocity oscillations that are intrinsic to any reputable electric toothbrush. Emma also informs me that no man can possibly compete and that you would be best advised to allow her 'cleansing rituals' to continue unimpeded. Personally, I blame girl power!
Kevin from Tottenham asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I've just done a poo in the shape of a question mark! I cannot decide whether to flush or not, as it is surely a most unusual and deeply fascinating toilet anomaly. What shall I do?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Kevin, I must insist, on this occasion, that you forward said faeces to that Esther Rantzen woman. Apparently, she once got extremely excited by a penis shaped carrot and I would therefore imagine that a novelty shaped turd would be right up her alley.
- Emma Bumton (legal advisor) adds - Dear Unkle Munky, you cannot go around advising people to post their faeces to Ms. Rantzen! She is a national treasure and once even made a dog say, 'sausages'. I would suggest that you intercept said shit with a view to returning it immediately to its freak of an owner!
Unkle Munky says - Thank you Ms. Bumton for explaining the legalities of the shit situation. I have rather come to appreciate your advice and feel that our working relationship is growing stronger by the day. Occasionally, the emotional charge of my reader's dilemmas does have a tendency to overshadow the legitimacy of my innocent counsel. As a munky, I know just how difficult it can be to court the acceptance of those calling themselves human. I can't imagine how the aforementioned 'sausage' dog managed to integrate himself into modern day society. You are right, she is indeed a national treasure and anyone who helps the cause of a talking dog is to be treated with both respect and honour. Am I right in thinking that she's the woman with the big teeth and irritating voice?
Emma Bumton replies - Jeezus, I give up!
Louise from Leyton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my idiot boyfriend recently finished customising his 'Ford Scrotum'. He has made numerous alterations, one of which includes the raising of the rear wheels by some twenty odd inches! I now fight gravity on a regular basis just to stay in the 'leather effect' pvc bucket seat. I always arrive at destinations with a diagonal red stripe across my chest from seatbelt burns and my arse is so tense you could use it as a bottle opener. What can I do Munky?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Louise, the customising of cars in such a fashion is usually a sign of sexual inadequacy. Relaying this information to your customised boyfriend might convince him that owning a 'Ford Scrotum' is the vehicular equivalent of dropping a bollock, the irony being that he himself has yet to do so. You might be interested to note that I am currently on the lookout for a new bottle opener and your novel approach would go down a storm at the forthcoming office party. Email me privately if this appeals.
Emma Bumton (legal advisor) adds - Dear Unkle Munky, once again I must direct your attention to a legal deviation with regards to the previous post. Enticing a young lady to email you privately with a view to using her arse as a novelty bottle opener is not deemed suitable behaviour amongst the species know as 'human'. I would recommend that you email Louise and withdraw the aforementioned request.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Emma, once again I am indebted to you and shall follow your instructions to the letter. You might be interested to note that I have arranged to have your 'Ford Clit' jacked up by approx. twenty inches and look forward to using your clenched arse in the manner I previously eluded to in Louise's mail.
Ms. Bumton replies - Just leave my clit alone Munky!
Emma Bumton Endorses...
Emma Bumton (Unkle Munky's legal advisor) asks - Dear Unkle Munky, the light bulb above my desk has gone, could you replace it for me?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Emma, consider it done my little pop princess.
- For the Attention of Unkle Munky - Dear Unkle Munky, though I do appreciate you changing the lightbulb above my desk recently, I would appreciate it if, in future, you would wear some fcuking pants!
Unkle Munky replies - Dear Ms. Bumton, standing on your desk is the most convenient way to reach the aforementioned lightbulb and if you choose to look up whilst I am in this precarious position then there is very little that I can do about it! I am a Munky for god's sake! We don't do pants! It would seem to me that I may have inadvertently aroused feelings within you of a sexual nature, feelings that may have both scared and intrigued you. Add this to the fact that I am currently wearing 'Musky Munky' then it's hardly surprising that you are confused. Your insistence that I wear pants is a classic symptom of sensual denial. I would suggest that you either, A. Surrender to these feelings or, B. Stop hassling me.
FOR THE ATTENTION OF UNKLE MUNKY! Where the fcuk did you get that picture Munky!? No girl in their right mind would endorse the new 'fragrance' from House of Munky! It's hardly subtle! In fact, I wish you wouldn't wear it in the office. It's killing my throat!
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Bumton, I think you will find that the soreness of your throat is not entirely down to Musky Munky aftershave (-; The label quite clearly states that my new manly fragrance 'might' cause 'memory loss'. Your oversight regarding the small print cannot be blamed on me and, to be quite frank, as my legal advisor I expected better. You were more than willing to pose for the advertising campaign last night and it is far too late to stop the presses now! Cheer up, at least my wide-angled lens has made your arse look smaller!
- Now if you don't mind, Ms. Bumton, could we please leave these petty office squabbles to one side and get to grips with some serious agonising issues!
Constance from Derby asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I recently purchased a camouflage outfit for my recently recruited boyfriend and now I can't find him anywhere! What can I do?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Constance, some would say that any man who is willing to wear such an outfit on the street deserves to disappear! What were you thinking of? Luckily for you, the first snows of winter will soon reveal the whereabouts of your awol lover. Until this time, however, I would recommend that you think long and hard about the distresses that your mindless actions may have caused.
Prudence from Stoke asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my artistic boyfriend says that he wants to paint me in the nude. What are your thoughts about this?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Prudence, if your boyfriend prefers to paint in the nude then that is his prerogative. To be quite frank, I am struggling to understand your concerns? Surely you have seen him naked before now?
Prudence replies - He wants me to pose in the nude you tit! Oh forget about it, I'll go to Britain's leading agony aunt Ms. Clare Rayner!
Keith from Scunthorpe says - Dear Unkle Munky, I thought you might be interested to see a picture of the stunner I pulled recently after splashing on a liberal amount of your reasonably priced, yet highly effective 'Musky Munky' cologne. Isn't she beautiful?
Unkle Munky says - Jeezus that shits good!
- Emma Bumton (Unkle Munky's legal advisor) adds - Dear Unkle Munky, I received an email this morning from the advertising standards syndicate (ass for short) in which the validity of your claims regarding 'Musky Munky' have been called into question. I would recommend that you cease all future promotions until said allegations have been settled in a court of law.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ms. Bumton, I have no intention of pulling 'Musky Munky' from the shelves. Depriving ugly bastards like Keith the chance of bedding some sweet totty is tantermount to cruelty. Christmas is the busiest time of year for, 'House of Munky' and I intend to make the most of it! You'll be telling me next that it's volatile chemical make-up is breaching some kind of health and safety law? Facial paralysis, memory loss and minor hallucinogenic side effects are to be expected when dabbling in something as potent as 'Musky Munky'. How's your throat?