Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit."
Like a Munky.
Dave from Droitwich asks - Dear Unkle Munky, when I grow up I would like to join the Navy. Do you have any advice that might help me to fulfil my nautical goal?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Dave, becoming a proficient player of the game 'Battle ships' should help you to achieve your maritime ambition. Good luck.
Simon from Aberdeen asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I was just wondering if you received my mail? It was marked with the word, 'Urgent' and may have smelt slightly of cheese.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Simon, I did indeed receive your somewhat pungent mail! My legal advisor, Ms. Bumton, was insistent that said odour was emanating from my privates. It took a rather embarrassing and, some would say, obscene office-meeting to convince her otherwise. Due to this unfortunate incident I have yet to reply formerly but can state here and now that the patent on your inflatable hardhat idea will no doubt pend for quite some time.
- As a result of our meeting, Ms. Bumton has promised to post a welcoming apology. I am hopeful that our past differences are now behind us.
Safron from Manchester asks - Dear Unkle Munky, who do you think would win a fight between Katie Holmes & Katie Melua?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Safron, I can confirm that a fight between these two lovely ladies did actually occur to me in a dream recently. It was a very closely fought contest and, although Ms. Melua eventually won on points, she did receive some major wardrobe damage.
- Picture - Having slaughtered Holmes, Ms. Melua daydreams about her next big fight.
Claire Rayner from Butts Inn says - Dear Unkle Munky, how come all of these fantasy fights take place between nubile young ladies? Surely some of your female readers would occasionally like to indulge their fantasies regarding male related fights? I suspect that 'Safron from Manchester' is merely you in a wig! You are nothing but a disgrace and continue to give agony a very bad name indeed.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Triple Chin, I will have you know that Safron from Manchester is a genuine 'Unkle Munky' reader and has helped to support my column from day one. I refuse to talk about my wig collection and would appreciate you directing any further correspondence regarding your complaints to someone who actually gives a shit. I would also like to make it clear, Rayner, that your recent headhunting attempts with regards to my legal advisor, Ms. Bumton, have not gone unnoticed. Emma is more than happy at Munky HQ and any negotiations to win her hand in agony will be met with instant rejection on both our parts. We may have experienced a turbulent start to our working relationship, but things are slowly improving for Emma and myself. Her recent remark regarding my cheesy scrotum was nothing but an act of playful camaraderie. And now, if you don't mind, I would like to add a picture of Ms. Katie Holmes. Phooarrrr.
Emma Bumton adds - An act of playful camaraderie? Your balls do stink of cheese! Why do you think I've moved my desk over to the fuckin' window!?
Guy from Barnsley asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I have recently taken up smoking as a hobby and, although enjoying myself immensely, have yet to blow my first successful smoke ring. Any tips?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Guy, it is always good to keep your brain active and pursuing a hobby is most commendable. Blowing 'smoke rings' is notoriously difficult and is generally only achieved by the more experienced smoker. You might be interested to note, however. that similar results can be achieved by simply popping a Polo Mint into your gob before lighting-up. You might want to impress your friends even further by blowing 'smoke triangles' (same technique - only with Toblerone). I hope this helps and that your new hobby brings you years of enjoyment and satisfaction. Good luck.
Craig from Uxbridge asks - Dear Unkle Munky, at what age should a male model expect offers of work to dry up? At twenty seven, I am considered to be rather a late starter. To be quite frank, Unkle Munky, I am finding it a bigger struggle than originally anticipated and am beginning to wonder if perhaps I was a little premature in giving up my day job at the local fish and chip shop.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Craig, I don't mean to be rude, but your picture hardly screams sex appeal? To be quite frank Craig, you look as if you were born to serve greasy portions. You must put aside these fantasies and concentrate instead on securing a job more befitting of your attributes.
Pictured - This is me exuding masculinity like only a male model can.
Craig replies - Dear Munky, I do apologise. I accidentally posted a picture of my brother, Steve. Here's a snap of myself at a recent photo shoot.
Emma Bumton says - Fcuk me! That's more like it. I'd definitely give him one!
Unkle Munky says - Just get on with that filing task I gave you Ms. Bumton and leave the agonising to me!
Dear Craig, Judging by Ms. Bumton's rather vocal reaction, I would conclude that you do stand quite a good chance of securing work as a model. Sadly, I have it on great authority that female models earn far more money than their male counterparts. With this in mind, I would suggest that you seriously consider having a sex change. Your pants are also too small to be taken seriously.
Graham from Bolton asks - Dear Unkle Munky, in the 1980's my Uncle, Ian Stanley, played keyboards for a band called Tears for Fears. I recently shared this information with my mate Alan who subsequently belittled my claim by announcing that his Uncle Fred had been influential in the early Abba recordings and that he was in fact, the fifth secret member. Is he talking bollocks Unkle Munky? And if not, does this mean that he has won yet again?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Graham, I so want you to beat Alan one day and, to be quite frank, I really thought you had a chance this time. Both myself and Ms. Bumton have searched the archives tirelessly on your behalf for the fifth member of Abba and, sadly for you, have discovered this rare (previously unseen) demo that confirms Alan's claim. Though Tears for Fears were an influential and highly regarded act, it would seem both foolish and questionable to hold their influence in the same heady regard as that enjoyed by Abba. What I'm trying to say is... Alan has beaten you hands down and no mistake! Can you hear the drums Fernando....
Neil Armstrong scratches his helmet...
Simone from Chelsea asks - Dear Unkle Munky, what are your thoughts on space exploration with regards to the vast amounts of cash that are spent every single year on said activity?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Simone, I have yet to understand why the Americans felt the need to spend so much money on getting a flag onto the moon back in the late sixties. Failing to build a half decent sandcastle upon which to the place said ensign strikes me as complacent in the extreme. In answer to your question, I feel that any money spent in such a frivolous manner is indeed a terrible waste. The insistence of Nasa to continually jettison both themselves and their earthly belongings into outer space will doubtless remain a mystery for many years to come.
- Pictured - Neil Armstrong scratches his helmet as Nasa instruct him to play the drum kit to his right.
Emma Bumton (legal advisor) adds - Dear Unkle Munky, that's not a drum kit you arse! It's the Apollo 16! Jeezus!
Larry from Guilford asks - Dear Unkle Munky, all of the trees in my garden have started to lose their foliage. What can I do?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Larry, this strange anomaly has also occurred within the grounds of Munky HQ. I can only assume that there is some kind of disease going around and would suggest that, like my good self, you chop all of the affected trees down. This will at least stop the mysterious ailment from spreading any further.
Emma Bumton (legal advisor) adds - It's fcukin' autumn you thick munky bastard. Those poor trees...
- For the attention of Ms. Bumton.
Autumn or not, this disease cannot go unchallenged. I would appreciate a little less mouth and a lot more work from you young lady! People who write to my column want to speak to the organ grinder and not the munky... ok, that was a bad example.
Clare from Guilford asks - Dear Unkle Munky, look what some idiot has done to my car! There are fallen trees all over Guilford and the residents are up in arms and no mistake. What the fcuk is going on?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Clare, How terrible. I have no idea what could have happened. Really I don't.
The chicken's off...
Maxine from Bury asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it normal for men to taste of chicken?
Unkle Munky says - Dear Maxine, any restaurant that has 'man' on the menu is to be avoided at all costs! I would recommend that you report said establishment to the local authorities and avoid their questionable fare until safe to do otherwise.
Emma Bumton (legal advisor) adds - Dear Unkle Munky, she is referring to oral sex you tit!
Ian from Gosport asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I accidentally cut a gash in my hand earlier today whilst attempting to peel a turnip. My girlfriend, who happens to be a trainee nurse, has suggested that Vodka should help to ward off any infection and says that she will examine the aforementioned gash when she has completed her eighteen hour shift. Thing is Munky, I'm now too pissed to care.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Ian, you are meant to pour said Vodka onto the aforementioned wound and not drink the bloody stuff! I would suggest that you sober up and get yourself off to A&E without delay.
Kirsty from Kingston asks - Dear Unkle Munky, in order to test a new smoke alarm, I recently started a small fire in my hallway. Surely there must be an easier and safer way to diagnose said piece of equipment? This will by my third flat in as many months and, to be quite frank, I think the council are beginning to grow suspicious of my innocent precautionary procedures.
Unkle Munky says - Dear Kirsty, this might be a good time to take up smoking. I test the alarms here at Munky HQ on a daily basis in this way and, though less than popular with Ms. Bumton, it has proved an invaluable exercise with regards to safety.
Emma Bumton (legal advisor) adds - That's bollocks Munky! You just use it as an excuse to smoke indoors. Everyone knows that smoke alarms are incorporated with a 'test' button!
- For the attention of Ms. Bumton - I would appreciate a little less backchat and a lot more envelope licking if you don't mind! And for your information, the 'so called' test button cannot be depressed unless I stand on a chair. This in itself would contravene all kinds of health and safety rules.
Emma Bumton (legal advisor) replies - In that case I'll lend you my pink platform heels!